The open secret

“Why haven’t you told us much about him?” Said my pencil, looking at the paper and the pen next to it.

“All you guys do is taking things out of control,” I replied.

“What do you mean? Are you saying that we bother you? Excuse me, young lady, we are always the ones helping you out.” Said my pen, indignant.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” I said, apologetic.
“What did you mean then, my child?” Said my calm and warm paper.

“If I start writing about it... I believe it will overflow, I won’t be available to contain it. It will be too real, which implies it being too intense as that’s the only way things can be when it comes to the person I am” I answered, ashamed now.

“But you talk to him, and it doesn’t seem to be a secret. In any case, you are not the best at “hiding it.”” My pen insisted and I laughed at her lack of delicacy. I knew she was just curious about the details of my feelings, like an old gossiper; it didn’t really bother me though, I was used to her ways.

“Maybe. But writing about it won’t do things any easier for me.” I replied.
“Easy how? What do you mean?” She asked, not able to control her curiosity.

“No wonder why she doesn’t tell us about him.” My pencil replied and I laughed even harder, weren’t they the whole show? I just had to add the music and bring some clowns and ballon, the sitcom was on. But my pen couldn’t care less about such comment apparently because she didn’t even look back at him and stared at me intensely waiting for an answer.

“Oh good Lord! Seriously? I just said I didn’t want to talk about it.” I continue, noticing that I was already doing it and she wouldn’t let this go anymore.

“Well, you’re already doing it, honey. Also, you sure want to talk about him, don’t you? Come on, we are your friends, we know you. Let it out, girl.” She encouraged me.

“What do you want to know?” I asked, hoping that I will cut it short like this.

“How is him?” She asked, smiling and getting all excited.
“Physically or..?” I couldn’t finish my question because she replied first.

“In all ways possible. Describe him.” She said sitting down right in front of me.

“He is... the flowers, the steadiness and the thunder and the lightning bolt of a slightly rainy day,” I answered embarrassed while thinking whether I was saying enough to explain his vastness or not. Of course, it didn’t matter whatever I would say, nothing would seem enough to me.

“Why a slightly rainy day?” My pencil asked and my pen nodded.

“Because I don’t believe we are sunny days.” I tried to explain.

“You both could always make a rainbow happen then!” My pen said, excited and I smiled.

“That’s enough of meddling in her private life.” My paper said.

“As if she had a private life.” My pen answered and I found it hilarious, I agreed with her, I just couldn’t process how she was able to be so rude.

“I guess she will tell us about him whenever she is ready. After all, she did at the beginning.” My paper said and I opened my eyes widely because I thought they didn’t remember and that was why they were asking. My pen jumped on him.

“How dare you to remind her! How are you expecting us to get more information like this!?” My pen said, worried.

“Have I fallen in a trap of my own writing tools?” I said, with a dramatic tone, pretending to be affected.

“We didn’t mean to do anything bad...” My pencil replied and I got moved because of his innocence.

“I know. I am not saying talking about him is anything bad. He is precious in every way possible.” I confessed to them.

“Are you just afraid to lose him too then? Is that what you mean?” My pen asked and I got a bit surprised. My paper, my pencil, my eraser, my books and everything in my room looked at her in distress. “What!?” She said, annoyed.

“I think it is time for me to go to bed,” I said, smiling and left the room. 
Maybe if I don’t say much, maybe if I save my words, maybe if I keep my open secret, maybe if I hide my feelings, maybe if I town down my heart, maybe... just maybe, he won’t be taken away from me.

Ace of Wands

“Oh, you people won’t believe this! I found this magic wand with a portal in it! Just trying to figure out:

a) How to enter.

b) Where will it take me.

c) If I really want to go.

Who else wants to go for an adventure?”

Corenne said to the camera and Dorothea just looked at her confused. 

“What are you doing, Cori?” Dorothea asked while walking towards her.

“I am recording a short video for my new account. I am planning on recording this whole journey so that people who’re interested and just beginning will see how it works.” Corenne replied smiling.

“Because you are not just a beginner yourself, right? You are an expert in the field.” Dorothea said irritated.

“No, but I know the difference between a magic wand with a portal and one without it, which is more than most of the people out there know.” Corenne answered in a defensive tone.

“Right.” Dorothea affirmed with skepticism. “Do you ever stop to think how weird is everything you do?” 

“All the time.” Corenne answered a bit sad now.

“Doesn’t that stop you at all?” Dorothea asked, curious.

“Do you know? After all these years together I like to think of you as my best friend, but in moments like this is when I wonder if the levels of toxicity of our friendship are balanced enough for this to be healthy.” Corenne answered sadly and Dorothea noticed she crossed the line.

“I am just scared and in a bit of a bad mood, don’t mind me. I didn’t mean to be rude, everything is just so weird. I can’t believe we’re doing this, but best friends stick together in good and bad times! Also, being best friends isn’t a guarantee for us both to agree in everything.” Dorothea said, trying to soften the mood of the conversation. Corenne sighed and smiled while starting to shake her shoulders and arms.

“Relax and sing with me:

“Hello, hello.

Let me tell you what it's like to be a zero, zero

Let me show you what it's like to always feel, feel

Like I'm empty and there's nothing really real, real

I'm looking for a way out.””

They both started laughing. 

“I will take that as you doing things out of boredom only,” Dorothea said while playing with her rings.

“But I am always bored, Thea.” Corenne replied, moving her head slightly to the left.

“Yes, this is why you are always doing weird stuff,” Dorothea said and moved her head slightly to the right and both laughed.

“Weird is fun,” Corenne said.

“It is,” Dorothea confirmed and left the rock where they were sitting down to lay down on the grass around the big tree. Corenne stood up too and grabbed one of her sticks again.

“I have a wand, I warn you, I am unstoppable! The Astros decided for me, a long time ago. I ought to follow my destiny. Oh, goodness me, it’s already happening!” Corenne said and her magic wand seemed to start shining and moving around by its own free will.

“Oh, stop it. You know I won’t fall for that.” Dorothea said looking at her in a motherly manner.

“Anyway, enough leisure time. We have to go on with our mission now. Come on.” Corenne said, offering her hand for Dorothea to stand up. Dorothea held her hand and stood up. Corenne walked towards a small tree next to them and took some crystals out of it.

“Why... do you... wait, what? What is... why?” Dorothea said confused and shocked.

“Don’t ask, we have no time for minor things right now, there’s something bigger waiting for us! Let’s go! But first, just let me check that I got all the needed tools.” Corenne said while putting her hands in her pockets as if looking for a small coin.

“Tools? Something bigger waiting for you, you mean... I am not going any further.” Dorothea said cleaning the dirt from her skirt and started walking to the opposite side of Corenne.

“What about that speech about friends sticking together? Huh?” Corenne reminded her. Dorothea looked at her regretting her words already.

“Seriously Corenne!” Dorothea said coming back to Corenne.

“Do not worry. These spirits’ crystals will guide us through the dark night. Like if the moon itself came down to illuminate our path of self-discovery.” Corenne said breathing in dramatically and Dorothea just looked at her wondering what was going on.

Corenne searched for something inside her jacket and took out a bunch of acorns.

“What is that now? Where are all those coming from? Do you also have a magic source or what!? First, the crystals coming from the tree, now acorns coming out of your pockets.” Dorothea said, opening her eyes widely.

“Well, it’s not exactly magic, but I do store a bunch of things that I thought might be useful at any point in my life, and now is the moment for these. I read these intensify the peace around the site. It is called “silent bells of peace.” They also help us to don’t awaken or call the attention of unwanted spirits, so it’s some kind of protection as well.” Corenne said.

“You. Make. No. Sense. Are you conscious of that?” Dorothea said, starting to get mad.

“Well, at least I am trying to make it happen instead of complaining the whole time while doing absolutely nothing,” Corenne said with an attitude now.

“But like... you know those are simple acorns...” Dorothea insisted, wondering if Corenne was, actually, considering what she was doing and saying.

“Oh, right! That was the name of these in the “humans’ land.”” Corenne said, nodding.

“Okay, I am starting to get worried about your mental stability, seriously? How did we get here? I mean, just yesterday you were telling me how scary all this seems and now here we are with all this stuff! Are we going to fly next?” Dorothea yelled annoyed and worried.

“You never know what’s next in this path of uncertainty.” Corenne replied calmly.

“Okay then, let me speak your language. Where did you get this non-human information from? How do we know it is trustworthy?” Dorothea trying to make sense out of things.

“I can’t tell you all my sources, sweetheart.” Corenne replied playfully. Dorothea wondered if Corenne was talking about something real for once, or if this was another made-up story; in any case, she gave up and decided to believe in her.

“By the way, why didn’t you bring Brook here? Aren’t cats like mystic beings and so? Especially black cats, no?” Dorothea said.

“Insanity! Profanity! I couldn’t bring my precious baby to such an unsafe expedition!” Corenne screamed while pointing her out with her index finger.

“But you could bring me and yourself, an interesting order of priorities,” Dorothea replied, blinking nervously.

“Not the same,” Corenne replied giggling and sat down on the floor crossing legs and arms, and closing her eyes.

“What now?” Dorothea inquired, frowning.

“Silence, creature. I am meditating and doing a fast scan of all that I need tonight to go to the enchanted forest.” Corenne said, opening one eye to see Dorothea’s expression Dorothea put her arms in the air while opening her mouth, and her eyes were astounded.

“We are not going there.” Dorothea said moving her head, refusing.

“Yes, we are. You didn’t think I was going to do this at home with my noisy family, or in your home with your nosey family? Duh!” 

“Hey! Fair enough, though,” Dorothea said, sighed, and laughed. “Now what?” Dorothea asked and sat down on a rock nearby.

“We have to wait for the night to come, I don’t believe the sunlight will be beneficial for our plans,” Corenne answered, convinced, and sat down next to her.

“Beneficial? Our?” Dorothea said with a sarcastic tone.

“You’re still here, right? So yes, our plans.” Corenne confirmed and smiled brightly.

“Why am I here?” Dorothea asked seriously while, what seemed to be, looking at the space.

“Now, that’s a good question finally. Why are you here?” Corenne replied, crossed her legs, and directed her right hand to her chin while looking directly at Dorothea. Dorothea laughed.

“I am here because you are my best friend and I wouldn’t let you go all alone, especially considering how dangerous it can be. And because I know better what a scary cat you are.”

“Hey! I am the bravest one here.” Corenne answered while putting her arms in her waist suddenly.

Dorothea sighed deeply and sat down.

“Whatever. I accept my defeat and beg for the woods’ creatures to take me.” Dorothea said, throwing her arms to the wind dramatically. Corenne jumped on her and knocked her down with a hug. 

“Don’t let the fae take you, Thea!” Corenne said, nearly crying and Dorothea started laughing.

“Ouch! Silly-bee.” Dorothea hugged her back.

“Maybe we should go home… I didn’t come ready for losses today.” Corenne said Dorothea pushed her a little bit in order to sit down and Corenne moved.

“What else did you bring in your bottomless pockets for this abracadabra?” Dorothea asked.

“This.” She said, bringing out a tiny pine nut.

“What’s the magic function of this one?” Dorothea asked, taking it in her hands.

“This one is nothing but decoration only... isn’t it pretty? I found it on my way home the other day.” Corenne answered, getting a bit shy.

“What?” Dorothea asked.

“I thought that we would need a cute item here, like a good luck charm, but cute which makes it double good,” Corenne said, ashamed.

“I will end up dead,” Dorothea replied, apparently, losing her faith; but when she saw the despair in Corenne’s face she retracted herself. “I am just kidding, we will be fine. What do we do now?” Dorothea asked.

“We should wait until it gets dark, the sun should be gone in about fifteen minutes.” Corenne answered her.

“Did you bring any food?” 

“No…” Corenne told her apologetically.

“Luckily I have some snacks with me.” Dorothea told Corenne, they both smiled and Dorothea held Corenne’s hand. “What happened to you, warrior-witch? Where did all your excitement go? I guess you ran out of battery, after eating some chips you will be back on track.” Dorothea said, smiling from ear to ear now. Dorothea started taking out all her belongings to find the chips.

“What is that?” Corenne asked when she saw an orange card among the things Dorothea was taking out of her bag.

“Do you remember Sophia just started a new course? Well, I know it was about making cards or something like that, you know, her crafty things, but it is actually a reading cards class.” Dorothea replied surprised.

“Your sister!? Are we talking about the same Sophia!?” Corenne answered even more surprised than Dorothea.

“Yes! Don’t be so dramatic, she believes it is some kind of celestial matter, connecting with angels or so.” Dorothea answered with a funny face and shrugging.

“Oh, is that how it is?” Corenne said playfully.

“It doesn’t seem much like that to me, but she is convinced about it. Anyway, every day she gives me my card of the day, and gives it to me for me to “reflect on the celestial message” and for the angels to know my location and don’t get obstructed signals, she says I will have the angels’ protection like that.” Dorothea told her.

“How could you be worried about me taking you on a magical journey when your big sister got you soldiers following you all day long. Like, is there any space for privacy in your life anymore?” Corenne said, making fun of Dorothea and she just smiled.

“Whatever” Dorothea said, opened the chips bag, grabbed some and handed the bag to Corenne then.

“What card did you get today though?” Corenne asked.

“Ace of Wands.” Dorothea replied and held the card in front of Corenne’s face.

“And what does it mean when you get that one?” Corenne asked.

“Not sure… she just told me it has to do with new beginnings, energy and creation… But now that I think about it her words start making sense. Oh, wow! Yes! This reading was referring to us in this adventure!” Dorothea and both got the shivers.

“I am loving your sister today,” Corenne said and both laughed.

“Sophia is also into names lately, she said her name means “Wisdom” and I should be mindful of everything she says because she may be holding a special knowledge she, herself, is not aware of just yet. Sometimes I think she should stop getting so many plants, maybe spending her days talking to flowers is affecting her, but then she told me about my name and… I don’t know anymore.” Dorothea said.

“What does it mean?” Corenne asked, getting curious.

“It means “Gift of God,” can you imagine that?” Dorothea replied.

“I can. What about mine?” Corenne asked.

“How could I know?” Dorothea said and Corenne made a pout. “Actually I asked her about yours as well, she said it means “maiden,” and that’s probably why you are a “maiden in danger” and I am here saving you from yourself,” Dorothea said playfully and both laughed.

“It is starting to get dark, I guess we should start going to the heart of the forest,” Dorothea said standing up.

“We don’t have to go that far. I want to have access to the reflection of the moon, and the lake is very close.” Corenne said.

“Let’s go then,” Dorothea said and Corenne took the lead. 

They were paving her way into the woods and lighting up their steps with a small lantern Corenne had. They walked while holding hands, Corenne’s right hand on the back and Dorothea extending her left hand. 

The night was fresh, in fact, the sounds of the forest made the scene appear a bit fairy-tale-like, with the light of the moon over their hands and the uncountable trees all around them. Corenne and Dorothea were best friends for a while now and were used to sharing everything. When Dorothea decided she wanted to join the book club, Corenne did too; when Corenne said she wanted to start reading about esoterism, Dorothea joined her; one thing took to the other and that’s how they began this journey. Corenne said it was a self-discovery journey and as impacted as Dorothea appeared, Dorothea was aware, and Dorothea wanted to discover herself as well, maybe all Dorothea wasn’t aware of was the right timing, and how can anyone know what the right time for anything is? It was like love, you never really know when to expect it or plan it to happen at a certain time, it just happens, and before you even noticed, you are in love. When it comes to understanding themselves, our girls were just starting.

Corenne stopped dead before arriving at the lake, she turned around and started running without uttering a word. Dorothea got scared but didn’t ask anything and just ran with her, whatever Corenne saw in the lake wasn’t good. They ran the whole way back to the lane and Corenne didn’t stop until they arrived at the main street, with all those lights and cars’ noises. They were very agitated when they arrived and tried to recover themselves. 

“Oh my God! What happened? What did you see?” Dorothea asked, extremely scared.

“There... there was…” Corenne said and stopped to take some air in.

“What? There was what?” Dorothea insisted.

“A guy!” Corenne, finally, said, and Dorothea let herself fall to the floor.

“We came all the way running because you saw another human being!? Run when you see a scary-looking being floating, not when you see a guy!” She screamed annoyed.

“I think it was from our school actually...” Corenne continued.

“Who cares!? Guys don’t bite, Corenne!”

“I do...” She replied, exhausted, and tried to smile.

“Wait, was that..?” Dorothea replied, serious now.

“No, no. But still.” Corenne said, cleaning her glasses.

“I should kill you myself,” Dorothea said, putting her hands up to the level of Corenne’s neck and shaking them in the air as if pretending she was strangling her. “But, what was he doing there anyway? Isn’t it too late to be hiking right now?” Dorothea said, looking at Corenne suspiciously and smiling.

“Do you think he was there for the same reason as us? He was right next to the lake where the full moon reflects itself.” Corenne said and shrugged.

“We should have befriended him, or tried to! Not run away from him! By now we could be a group and we could have a proper master instead of being just two beginners about to die by their own hand, well, by the other’s hand in your case.”  Dorothea said, a bit annoyed.

“Was he cute though?” Dorothea asked, Corenne shrugged again, and Dorothea laughed. 

Their initiation wasn’t possible that night, the planets weren’t aligned to make that happen just yet; but, luckily for them, the moon would remain up there and the nights will continue coming.

They started walking back home, it was getting late and they didn’t have more choice other than to wait for their next ace of wands.

The Research of The Divine

“Jack wouldn’t have understood even if I were to explain him with apples and grapes all this,” I thought while running. “Nobody would.” 

“Great. Two roads. Where the heck am I supposed to go now?” I doubted, but I didn’t really have time for that, not if I wanted to survive. I picked the right path, did I really pick? I can’t tell anymore what are the things I choose on my own and what are those that had been given to me, those that had been chosen for me; and I can’t tell anymore whether the choosers are from divine origin, socially elected, or coming from the innermost of myself. Maybe, it is a composition of all that. Whatever, I am so done. 

“Wait!” I listened to his rough voice a few steps away from me. How come I wasn’t tired? I couldn’t look back. Not anymore.

“I just want to tell you something!” Frank screamed and I couldn’t have cared less about whatever he had to tell me. Didn’t he speak his mind enough? His time was over.

“You need one more ingredient!” He said and I couldn’t listen anymore because he, clearly, stopped following to take a breath, literally take a breathe and I ran as fast and as far as possible.

“I hate to be in a bad mood,” I said when I got to the cascade. It was nearly impossible to enjoy this expedition if I was troubled like this.

“Why don’t you calm down then?” I listened to a small voice saying and I got a bit startled. I thought I was alone, and that wasn’t Frank’s voice for sure. It was more like a child’s voice.

“Who is it? Where are you?” I asked looking around.

“Come closer to the shore.” The voice said and I was wondering if whether I was trapped in some kind of horror plot and this was my only chance to go away and save my life, or if this was the “missing ingredient” Frank mentioned. I wanted to find that one myself, that was among the thousand reasons I went away running and embark myself on this mission without anyone’s support. I guessed it was fifty-fifty then, I should do as the voice said.

I don’t believe I was or will ever be ready for what I saw in the water that afternoon. It was some kind of winged being, seemed like a delicate fish or whatever it was, extremely shiny, almost blocking the view by the intensity, as if the sun left the sky and came into the water, surprisingly enough you had to look at the water to see it as if some kind of magic was containing the rays. I didn’t know what was going on.

(to be continued...)

Nora was crying

Friday, 7:30am. 

I come in and Nora is not her usual self. She isn’t smiling as brightly as usual, and she seems much calmer. A calm child is nice, but Nora simply isn’t like that, and when I think of her a big smile comes to my face as I can see hers in my mind. Nora is joy. 

This week she has been on “Transition”, and she should be going to Toddlers. For a long while I tried to put aside the fact that she would have to move soon, the idea itself would bring tears to my eyes and to know that she won’t be in our classroom anymore made me really sad, but I preferred to avoid thinking about it. 

Interestingly enough, as egotistic as I am, I didn’t think of how it will be for her... Somehow I thought she will be happy to get new friends, I guess. But I am not sure about that thought being the right one anymore. 

This week she woke up crying and I had to hold her and soothe her for a long while, which isn’t the common considering she always recovers fastly. She would also start crying whenever she will see the director and looks at me and the co-teacher with despair in her eyes. Nora is no more than seventeen months and you can only imagine how unbearable it is to see that. 

On Wednesday I went to pick her up at the Toddlers room, I could hear her crying out loud and as much as I forced myself to hold it in, I couldn’t anymore. I went to the hallway and hugged her, reminding her everything is alright and the Toddlers’ classroom teacher said I could take her back as she already spent half-day there and she ought to come back to Infants classroom. I held her up and took her back, it felt like a piece of my soul being put back together. My baby. 

Yesterday she went to the Toddlers room crying and I know she is not being mistreated there, mind you that the classroom is right next to ours, and I can listen and see them from time to time; but I understand she must be confused and scared. She may be thinking she had done something wrong for us to do that, she keeps on looking back as if asking to be rescued, as if wondering why nobody is “saving her” and my heart cries out telling her how much I love her, I wish she knew... I wish she understood all this is for her own sake, and as good and as smart as she is now, she has to go to the next level and shine brighter.

At the end of the day, when leaving the school, I found her nearly crying again in the playground, she was just there pouting while the other kids were playing. I looked at her and she seemed to calm down a bit, I told her to play around and gave her a kiss, then I walked to the door and when I looked back she was crying and then again with those beautiful almond eyes of hers asking for help. I told her “I am leaving. Bye, Nora, bye” and waved my hands to her which is my usual way to greet her goodbye for the day, and she held on her tears, tried a smile at me and put her hands up to her lips and then out to me... there she was, throwing me kisses and saying “bye” while I was feeling I was letting her down one more time.

Friday, 8:45am. 

Nora seems distant, she is not running around as usual or laughing for the sake of laughing in the morning, she seems nervous, and from time to time, she checks the door apparently scared. I suffer with her, I know what’s happening.

I hug her and kiss her as usual, I get her close to me and say in her little ear “I love you, Nora” as usual, wishing for her heart to listen to mine; that was my own “love enchantment”, in absence of a peace spell. I smile to her and do my best to appear cheerful, trying to get her some ease and she seems to feel more trustful as the hours pass by. 

Friday, 10:30am. 

The director comes in saying she can take Nora to the Toddlers classroom now, and she will stay there for the whole day today. Nora cries and is taken away one more time. 

I want to explain her so much what is going on, I wish she can tell me what she feels and what to do. I feel helpless, and I think she feels hopeless; if her teachers aren’t taking her back, she may be thinking what can she do then? I wish for her to understand that we weren’t given any option regarding this decision and that’s how the center work. I don’t know if extending the Transition to two weeks would be of help, but certainly one hasn’t been enough, at least not for us her teachers, nor for her.

Friday, 3:30pm. 

It is my time to leave and I rush to go to Toddlers to say goodbye to Nora, I just want her to know I am right next door and I keep her in my mind, I want her to feel that she is not alone, I wish her to understand she will be fine, she is too little to have to deal with all that.

I ask for permission to the teacher to come in to say hi, she tells me they are about to take a nap but grants her permission the same, I thank her and enter. Nora is in the mat in front of the right corner of the room already, she is lying down but with open eyes, she seems so absent and far. I kiss her and tell her “goodnight, Nora”, she won’t even truly look at me, she barely moved her eyes and I feel so guilty. Have I shattered her soul? The school system has shattered mine. 

I leave the classroom quickly, apologize to the teachers and thank them. They must be thinking about my separation anxiety and hers, as I think about it as well. I can’t help but feel the pain that comes with having to let her grow up by herself. But please don’t get me wrong, I am proud of her achievements and I know she will overcome all this at the end, but here and now, it hurts.

Sunday, 9:23pm. 

I am thinking about tomorrow I will be going to work and Nora won’t be in our classroom anymore, she might be crying once more... but as wishful as it can be, I hope to walk towards the Infants classroom, and while passing by the Toddlers one, see her laughing one more time, I expect to see her smiling. After all, as I said earlier, Nora is joy. And sunlight. And love.

 

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

Please don’t take my sunshine away...”

Mr. Scarab‘s Light Sources

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

“I am ready to tell everybody’s stories! I exclaimed and he looked at me confused.‪

From then on I started walking and asking all around me for their piece of history, and I was amazed for the abundance.‬

“I am here to listen to your story,” I said to Mr. Scarab.

“My story is for whoever that wants to listen,” He replied and I drew a kind smile on his face in my mind.‬

“Sit down then, my child. We have a long way to revisit.” He said.

Oh, what a fine being he was! I miss him so very much.‬ How many good stories was I missing due to my fears and prejudices? Oh! How much I wished to go back in time and seek refugee in father’s arms. When did I stop listening? When did I stop telling? Why am I so scared? When did everything begin?

Now that I think of Mr. Scarab, I am grateful, one more time for sharing his wisdom with me, I still wonder whether I was or not a worthy recipient? He said he would share it with anyone willing to listen, but there was this mysterious aura around him that made me doubt.

He told me about mountains and people, about faraway places and places as close as my backyard, he told me about the mother of his child and his own mother, about his family and his enemies, he told me what he likes and how he encountered himself. I wonder how many people live a life as fulfilling as him... What a great master he was!

“Look there, my child.” He said looking at the sunset. 

“Every day the sun greets us, every day with a new message, a special one for each one of us, and what do we do? We are too busy with everything and nothing, what a pity! But the sun couldn’t care less about it, it is our loss, ours only.” He said with a resignation tone and sighed. 

“What about the moon? Is she meant to be dismissed for being a female?” I asked and got surprised for the impact my question did in myself, I blushed and felt apologetic immediately. Mr. Scarab let out a guffaw. 

“Sweet child, you missed the whole point if you weren’t able to see that the moon is our guide and comforter, in the gloomy nights and what seems to be the end of us, the moon is there, every night, giving us another thread of hope. Doesn’t she make us dream? But how distracted we are with useless things to thank her and let her bath us with her beauty!”

And I thought I got it, for a long time I was able to connect inside and outside.

How did I get here again then? There was something missing for sure... Whether I missed something or never had it. Am I walking through the tightrope of my life one more time? Will I ever walk with my feet firmly on the ground? Or, at least, learn to fly? Where was Mr. Scarab now, I haven’t seen him in a while, will he ever come back? I should go and talk to the moon now, maybe she will have some answers.

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

The risk

‪“Why are you saving them this time?” My shadow asked and it startled me, as you must know my shadow doesn’t talk to me on a daily basis.‬

‪“Well, I am doing my research,” I answered. Why would I have to give an account of my actions?‬

‪“People isn’t supposed to be an object of study,” she clarified and I couldn’t help but giggle, “Oh, what a dreamer,” I thought, and what a dreamer indeed, to think that a person can be discovered through a bunch of letters, but... aren’t we all a bunch of letters? There I go again, confusing books with people, or not?‬

“I would say that that is for me to decide, thank you,” I replied.

“What about that person?” She insisted.

“What do you mean?” I asked confused now. What was she referring to?

“Don’t people have a choice to decide their own definition in your eyes?” She replied with another question.

“That’s subjective. I see people in a way, they see themselves through a different lens, and it applies the same method the other way around.” I said a bit annoyed. Where was this conversation leading anyway? It seemed a bit pointless to me.

“Isn’t that a bit unfair though? Not to allow the other person to have a word on what you make out of their words?” She said and I could’ve sworn she was looking at me in the eyes if it wasn’t because a shadow has no eyes.

“Has that option be given to me then?” I asked hurt now. Everybody builds a person out of their own impression, and I didn’t see them having a judgemental shadow blaming them for it. 

“You seem to believe I am being unfair, without taking into consideration your own unfairness; and you seem to think I am talking out of place here, but aren’t you always thinking out of place? You say to hate double-standards but you are fast to take them yourself as if they were alright when it comes to you. All I am saying is to give people a chance to know you, and give yourself a chance to let them know you; to risk it won’t kill you, even if you consider sorrow a small death, isn’t that better than not living at all? You want the world, but you would refuse to open your eyes the minute the world comes in front of you. Then what is it that you want?” My shadow said throwing light in my darkness and I wondered if the word “shadow” was nothing but a way to hide them.

“If you are talking about... I am doing my best to handle things on that matter while hefting the different options regarding life choices I am being faced with at the same time.” I replied.

“Why do you have to be so tight for everything?” She asked and I thought she was good at taking risks.

“Because it is safe,” I replied sure of my answer for once.

“Might as well die.” She said sharply.

“Might as well,” I confirmed. The cold silence followed after that got me crying all night long. How much I hated to be a source of my own unhappiness, while thinking there may be, even in a world like this, space for some gladness.

Side note: This is me writing about whatever I write, while the world succumbs to the coronavirus.