Selfishness’s Pain

I entered the house after doing the groceries for the week and I found her sat down in the living room with some scissors in her hand, I dropped the bags, she looked up, I skipped a beat. She had told me so many times about her past depression, her suicidal ideas, her self-harming thoughts and here I was, arriving home with our food while she was holding some scissors, way too close to her face, way too close.

- “What are you doing?” I asked trying to act calmly, breathing in.

- “I am getting my ends trimmed.” She replied and I finally noticed the small trash can in front of her, I breathed out and collapsed in the chair next to the door.

- “What?” She asked, apparently, unaware. “Does it look bad? It’s my first time doing it but I just thought it’s just so simple, why do I have 20 dollars for this? I can do it myself... Or not? I think I am doing a good job so far actually, my hair looks as healthy as it should to me now. I like my hair, I like to take care of it, but I just don’t want to pay for something as simple as this anymore.” She replied looking at me and I closed the door.

- “Nobody will notice anyway.” I replied.

- “Very nice of you.” She answered clearly annoyed, I wanted to take it back but it would have been pointless now, even if I were to say that it was a mere joke as it was. “I also bought this, I am going to dye my hair.” She said showing me some Instant Hair Wax boxes, I could only think of how bored she was to be doing such ridiculous things, but I restrained myself from commenting.

- “Green? Who are you? The joker female?” And she smiled and nodded. Of course, it was always easy to figure out her thoughts, they were always related to some book, some movie, some friend, or whatever else she had been doing lately. She had been obsessing over The Joker ever since she watched the movie and went to that event in her school where they were discussing the psychological aspect of the movie. I wondered how she can be so basic with this and so complicated with another matter, many times she didn’t make any sense to me. I wonder if she ever does any sense to herself.

- “I also got pink! Initially, I thought of dyeing the ends of my hair only, so that I won’t damage the rest, but then I found these exist. There are temporary, therefore I can take them away with water, which means they are natural. Isn’t that great? I got the pink one because I love pink and because of Harley Quinn but then I noticed I’d also need white and blue if I were to simulate her style.” She said making a pout. It seems to me she is never in her clear mind when she does anything, but then I find myself enjoying her brainchild, they were somehow refreshing.

- “Have you been sad recently?” I had to ask because as curious as I was about how her hair would look like after this sort of experiment, I was still concerned. She was this kind of person that does the weirdest things when she is feeling the lowest, but always with a smile on her face and laughing, making you believe she is so fine when she is not.

- “Do I look down?” Of course, she wouldn’t answer straight such question, and I know she was hating me for bringing that up, especially considering her countless efforts to hide it.

- “I know you better than that.” I said and her eyes lighted up. I still find it funny to see how much it moves her to the fact that I know her.

- “I had been dreaming about him lately...” She said without looking at me in the eyes, playing with her hair.

- “Well, thinking so much of him would only lead you to that.” I replied.

- “Some friends of mine have been telling me that he had gotten a girlfriend by now... and that it is silly of me to think otherwise.” She told me with teary eyes.

- “He has the right to, no?” I answered in, what I wished was, a nice tone.

- “Yes, but... he is mine.” She answered as usual and I smiled. I am sure she is the only person in the universe believing he is still hers.

- “What to do now?” I asked. I just wanted to know what will she come up with now.

- “December is around the corner.” She said and opened widely her eyes, I opened them back and move my head like saying “I had no idea of what you are talking about,” and she continued, “It will be six years since I first met him...” She said now while playing nervously with her hands and I knew something bad was coming. “I think, maybe, I could pay him a visit. I had been seeing some flights, I mean... I tried emailing him last month but he didn’t reply, therefore I may go to his house, just to check he’s doing well... Maybe I could say hi.” I was open-mouthed at this point.

- “Of course, because meeting him at his house is the most casual thing ever, especially considering you guys just live about 8.000 km apart currently. And because his family will be inviting you over to spend Christmas with them, right? Oh, do me a favor, why don’t you go to his father’s office and bring him some desserts? Wait, even better, call him in advance so that you get an appointment in his workplace, but that may ruin your idea of finding each other in a casual manner; though if you show up with some real case regarding your non-inheritance in that country or about your will, maybe he can be of help, no? Well, maybe you can go to the school his mother works in and say that you appeared there just to talk to the secretary, right? That’s so common, people showing at a school to meet with the secretary who had never seen you before.” Of course, by now she was already drowning in a sea of tears, I was already feeling terribly guilty, but I was still wishing for her to understand the reality as it is, and for her to understand that meeting him isn’t an option anymore, not since he had told her so many time she doesn’t want to see her. His rejection in person may kill her and I didn’t know how conscious of it she was.

- “I was just thinking! I never said I would do it! I know that is not casual! I know he doesn’t want to see me! I know he is not mine anymore! I know it is all pointless! I just wanted to see his face, at least, once in my life! Is that asking too much!?” She said in tears.

- “It is when people can’t afford it. Emotionally talking you and he can’t afford that, it is way above your budget. Why would you do that to you both? Even if you meet him, things will go nowhere because he doesn’t want to go on with you. And what if he has some company already? What if you find him with some girl that claims to be with him now? What will you do? How could you recover? But okay, let’s say things go well, in the most remote idea of things going that way; and let’s say you guys meet and he doesn’t call the police because he is absolutely done with you and he doesn’t press charges against you, let’s say you guys meet and he overcomes his anger, let’s say you guys go to that place where you ate those pizzas with your brother and eat them with him now, let’s say you guys talk and laugh, let’s say you even get to take a picture of him while he’s looking away or something, let’s say everything goes magically as I know you want them to go. What then? Is this Cinderella? Do you expect you both to go back to your normal lives after this? Are you supposed to leave the city the next day and pretend nothing happened, is he supposed to think this won’t happen again? What then? Don’t you see how messed-up and selfish this is? Don’t you see how hurtful this can be for him and how self-damaging it can be as well? Don’t you get a hold of how heartless you seemed?” I asked and I saw her shrink in front of my eyes. My heart broke. I received her in my arms while wondering when will this stop while wondering if she would ever be able to just let him go, and wondering if maybe... just maybe... the universe will ever play on her favor and give his touch of grace, changing everything in their favor so that they will ever have that happy-ending she never got.