Autumn Sonata

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

I like to believe that I am a new me, a better version of myself, I like to believe that all the pain I have faced had only made me stronger and allowed me to feel proud of the person I am today. I have achieved so much and I couldn’t be more thankful with God for that. I am not in the place I wish to be today, nor with the person I wish to be, nor in the situation I wish to be, but sometimes we just wish what is less convenient for us, and who does stop himself to think about convenience when feelings are involved? Certainly, it takes a lot of discipline and determination to stay away from whatever it is you want the most but maybe isn’t the most recommendable for you.

I would have liked the process to be less painful, not to have gone through all the sorrow, the sleepless nights, the emptiness in the heart, the coldness of the days, the absence... the damned absence that hurts so badly, but I believe all those things I hate so much helped me to grow up the most and keep on helping me because they still hurt me. I believe humans have different seasons too... and I believe I was and still am stuck in autumn, I still miss him like if it was just yesterday that he left my life, but I keep on going because I just can’t stop. Do I miss other seasons? I guess I do, I believe he was spring in a person used to just winter and summer, I believe autumn is what he left behind because it is some kind of a middle point, but it allows me to keep on going. 

I find interesting how the most basic things in my life are the ones I am proud the most about having conquered. As hard as it is has been to live far away from my family, I believe I had finally been exposed to the real world and haven’t had any other alternatives left other than to face it, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do it without this physical distance, because having them to cover my back all the time, having someone else to do things for me, having all secured and not having to worry for anything doesn’t allow you to grow up, what need do you have anyways? For the sake of what would you need to do it? How do you even do it? I guess I never “had to”, having my parents and brothers doing it all for me always allowed me to be so carefree at all times and today I can notice it. Sometimes I feel like an orphan, sometimes I feel unprotected, sometimes I feel alone, and as horrible as all these feelings can be, I believe they are part of life and part of “adulting,” have I succeeded in it? Probably not completely, but I am trying... I had been learning and now I can take care of myself. Things as simple as cooking for me, washing my own clothes, pick my own foods and clothes make me think I can handle life and I can do it on my own. Did I know this four years ago? Probably my optimistic self thought it was possible but was never fully conscious of all the effort it takes, therefore today I am proud for having gotten it, against all odds.

Am I a woman? This is a ridiculous question considering I was born with feminine sexual organs, but I am not referring to my sex, or am I? Am I a female even? I believe a part of me would never completely make peace with the fact that I was born a girl and not a boy, just because I still find the idea of being a boy so cool, but I also believe I had embraced my femininity and that’s a milestone, because I can recognize my own body and appreciate it, because I like my curves and I appreciate my skin, because I love my hair and I like wearing pink and black, I guess I like to be a girl and I accept to be a woman, maybe a few years ago I still wanted to be a baby; and even today, there are days where I don’t want to be an adult anymore, and I have this bunch of stuffy animals and I am still deeply fond of the idea of being a kitty, but at least now, I am a big kitty, if that makes any sense.

I am as obsessed with religion as I had always been and I love it, I love all the knowledge I had gathered with the years and I love my passion for pleasing my Creator, I am eternally thankful for this motor, because in this senseless world I found a reason in my Lord, because in all the insanity of the humanity, I still have hope in a happy ending thanks to God, because in all this darkness and all this insecurity, I am still under His Protection and I am all covered. Whether other people care or not for their relationship with their Creator, whether other people believe it is anything of their business my relationship with my Creator, that doesn’t matter. Because I am content with my own path and I keep praying to God to continue that same path for the rest of my life. With joy and with sorrow I must say that whether the people I want holding my hand is doing it or not, that’s another matter, because I am still giving it all up for my biggest reason to be, and my reason is God.

Am I smarter? I think I am less naive and I am more aware, aware of myself and of the rest, I am more connected to this world whether I like it or not because I am part of it... and because the rest of my beloved ones are as well; because I want to build a future for myself, because I want to go on in the best way possible and in order to do that I can’t continue disconnecting myself like a little baby girl that hides in her room when there is an outside noise. People will hurt me on the way, but I will always try to protect myself and be kind and respectful enough not to harm others, even if at times I won’t be able to control it. I apologize in advanced for anyone that may get hurt on the way. 

I am amazed at my levels of narcissism though, how I am able to talk non-stop about myself and I could definitely continue as there are so many things I need to tell me about myself, I am just a bit too tired and tomorrow I have to wake up early as everyday... therefore I will just go to sleep now and that will be all for tonight.