Beating

Look what I found digging into some old files:

“You're mine, Madelaine. You're mine now. Your place will be more comfortable when you will be ready to be "naked" (emotionally) in front of me. And this relationship will be better too...”

But you don't believe this anymore... right? It's been so long after all. You know? Sometimes it feels it was just yesterday when we stopped talking, but then I feel the longing in my heart and I check the calendar and... it has been 4 years already. And it was precisely in September when you asked me to stop contacting you at all... I hope you are doing well without me. I won't lie about me wishing you to be with someone else, we both know my jealousy couldn't even allow such thought, we both know the only person I'd ever want to take care of you and place you in her arms is me and myself.

But why are you still so mad at me? It breaks my heart to know that just 8 months ago I reached out to you Again, and all you told me is that I ruined your day... If you'd let me I could change that, I am sure I can make you laugh! You used to laugh with my wisecracks, I may have changed since I grew up, but I am still me and I believe you are still you, with your same sense of humor and for sure you'll laugh, with me or of me, but you will laugh. Why don't you let me talk to you? Why had I been banished with such furor of your lands? Why can't I even take a peek with your permission? I had apologized so many times... but no matter what I say, you remain so impassive... sometimes I wonder if I truly was that bad to you to the extent of you not allowing to get close to you at all. Not even once had I wish bad for you, whenever I think of you, I just want to take care of you, protect you, heal you, hug you, I never imagine myself hitting you, nor anything like that, why do you push me away so badly? I miss you much... I miss you so much that it hurts even now.

And I know you think I am crazy by now, but in my heart, I am still yours... in my heart, we never broke up... in my heart, we had never broken up. When we “broke up,” you told me you wished to believe what I was saying was the truth but for sure it will change and I will stop loving you. When does that happen? I had asked so many people, even my psychoanalyst and no one, literally no one gives me a date. Even my new Italian psychoanalyst, even worse, he told me you are still very present in my days and you made a great impact in me which makes it very hard for me to get over you, like if I didn't know that. 

My eyes hurt... therefore I can't nor want to write anymore but... just one more memory:

Me: ^_^ dont waste time lookin or spendin time with other girls, at the end of the day you'll end up with your girlfriend, you have no choice she'll follow you everywhere :D 

You: And i'm not looking for other girls. Why should i do that? Are they somehow better than my girlfriend?

Why are we not together anymore then? Didn't you say they're not better than me? You know I am mad now, right? We started pointing out that I am yours, but I must also mention that you're mine too. Yes, whether you feel me or not, whether you love me or not, whether you miss me or not; whether you are in your best or your worst state; whatever it is and however it is, I take you and claim you mine. Just as you did when we first met, without asking for permission, colonizing my heart... claiming that I am your tool, your weapon, whatever it is but yours. Well, you're my heart. You were, you are and you will always be. I beat through you. Do you beat through me? I wonder...