The wound

[Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boUl0jPZMdg ]

My tiny crystal rose fell down and I started crying he looked at me with eyes wide open wondering what was going on.

I just looked at him and point out the pieces on the floor and he understood.

- Aw, your little rose. He said and as I looked into his eyes for a second I started crying even harder and he looked really confused.

- We can get you a new one. He said trying to console me and I just started crying inconsolably, it seems to make little sense to cry on different levels but you can always understand by comparing this to a) Not letting a kid sleep when he is very sleepy b) Taking away a toy from a kid c) Taking him away from his mom. Now you can notice the different intensities, right? Well, just wanted to give a clear image of it.

I thought about touching the broken pieces because there is this whole idea about cutting is a way of self-harming that serves to make you feel in control and I have always been a firm believer in damaging oneself instead of letting others harm you but... don’t you harm yourself, to an extent, because the other had given you some kind of pain? Most of the time people don’t mean to, it just happens. 

It is a bit pointless to get mad or anything, for the sake of what? Putting blames on who? Moses’ reaction makes more sense to me:

He said, "My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, so forgive me," and He forgave him. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful. (Q28:16)

To the risk of sounding a bit radical at this point, I must say that any kind of a pain in my life, I had allowed it, I had let it in and I had been the owner builder of my mishap, isn’t it way too irresponsible to put blames on others? But I also believe in finding peace in God and in His Mercy. Because I know that on my way down, He will always be my Savior and there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Now going back to my crystal heart getting broken, he said that we can get me a new one was truly distressing for me, but in his defense, I would say that his intentions were good and we are no one to judge his approach to the problem because it was the only solution he could find at the very moment.

I started to sob trying to control my tears while looking at his sweet soul thinking of the hard time he was probably having looking at me crying and not knowing what to do, and I cleaned my tears. There was no need for him to go through this struggle with me.

- Yes, you are right. I answered and managed to smile, getting the feeling of a horrible knot in my heart, yes, I said in my heart and not in my throat, because I felt my heart squish, not my throat that was already struggling with thirst due to the fasting. He smiled back. Wasn’t he, even now, such a sweetheart? I grabbed my pieces together and thought that I just had to keep my composure for a little longer, and I could, certainly, do it for him.

- Do you want us to go for a new one now? He asked kindly.

- No, it’s fine, I will get a new one any other day. I am feeling a bit tired now though, I think I will go home now. I replied with the calmest voice possible, but even I was conscious of my reedy voice and wonder how could I cover that up? I panicked for a second, but he didn’t say anything and I breathed again.

- I am sorry you lost it. I didn’t mean to move that abruptly. He said heartbroken and I couldn't, my heart couldn’t. Another tear rolled my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I should have been more careful, and hold into it more firmly. It was my fault, you were just moving around. Don’t worry. I said and wished to be at home because I was already too tired. Yes, I am the kind of person that at the mark of feeling 20% out of her 100% already feels completely drained. I smiled again and he smiled back with those sad puppy eyes and I couldn’t do anything but feel terribly guilty over my own pain, there was no way out, whether you feel sad because of the broken pieces or you feel sad because of pain you may be causing the other, despite the intentionality. I prayed in my heart that he feels better soon, and I know for a fact that he prayed for me to feel better soon as well. 

I got home and thanked him. I waved goodbye to him from the car door and he asked if we would see each other again? I said “of course” and I meant it, I meant it. I just didn’t know how soon would that be, I just didn’t know how to heal faster enough to be able to make him smile. Right now all I could do on his behalf and my own was to start healing my own wound. 

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante