Never

They were playing happily and our talk was getting heavier and heavier, they looked at us sort of worried and I looked at them feeling so guilty, how to explain to them what was going on? 

- It is better if we stop here. He said and I nodded, there was nothing else to say, we had talked way too much about this previously and I was frankly tired, everything was so pointless. But... what a painful view to see those two! How to explain to them what was going on? What will I say to her now? A tear fell down my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I will go now then. I said and stood up, he just nodded. What else could he do, right? I didn’t even look back to look at him anymore.

- Let’s go, Lucy. I said and before she even attempts to hug him goodbye, I grabbed her hand and pushed her towards me. 

- Say “bye.” I said and I felt like the cruelest being alive.

- Bye... She said in a whisper and the little boy just waved his hand and we started walking away. I couldn’t stop myself from crying now. 

- Why are you crying? She was able to ask even if a bit afraid, she sounded, mainly, worried. 

- We can’t go back here. I told her and she stopped dead. And I stopped with her, asking God to help me regain my strength because we were still too close for me to break down.

- Let’s go. I told her without looking at her because I was not going to be able to bear with her expression.

- Never? She said in a whisper and I felt my heart squeezing so badly... I wondered if she knew the strength of that “never” right there, in any case it echoed deeply inside of me and I still can listen to it...

- Never. I replied in a whisper too, like if I was hiding this information from myself because of how unbearable it was. Let’s go now. I insisted while pushing her hand and she just started walking. I could listen to her sobbing now and, for sure, she could listen to me, I wondered if that was why she didn’t throw a tantrum or she was way too weak to deal with all the situation. 

I wondered if this was the only solution, I wondered if we couldn’t stay a bit longer... She, playing with the little boy, and me talking to the young man. And a flash of images crossed my mind, I imagined us doing many activities together, I imagined us going to the cinema, going to the forest, cooking together, visiting each other’s families, and I had to stop myself from going further, even in my thoughts, because if a dead-ending was painful right now, a dead-ending was going to be killing in the future. Why was I re-thinking all this? Why was I reconsidering all the things that I already talked about with him? It was, certainly, a masochistic act. And a little laugh find its way out of me but she couldn’t listen to it to ask, she was way too into crying. She was already broken and I felt like a piece of trash because I failed to protect her one more time. Because my bad decisions harmed her one more time because I wasn’t able to stop everything on time because it was already too late to come out uninjured from that war. I stopped walking and held her in my arms, I tried to let her head rest gently in my shoulder and I prayed to God for her to stop crying but as soon I held her in my arms her crying increased, I turned my face towards her and she was looking right in front of her. I turned my whole body around and I saw them... The little boy was crying too, but he was just looking at us leaving, calmly, he was just stood there and the young man looking at us calmly too. They seemed immobile and I couldn’t help it, the image was terrifying, it was so heart-breaking that I turned around again, pressed her face against my shoulder so that she wouldn’t be able to look back and started running. 

I hated myself for this. I hated myself and my weakness. I hated myself and my feelings. I hated myself and my thoughts. I hated myself and the illogic idea of allowing me to meet new people before. I hated myself and my stupidity. I hated myself and my bad decisions. I hated myself and the fact that I was already missing him. I hated that I picked this moment of the year to let myself go through this hell. I hated the idea of having hurt them. I hated to even think I gave any kind of pain to his heart. I hated myself for not having been careful enough for his sake and my sake. I hated the image that was repeating over and over in my head. I hated myself so profoundly that I could feel myself killing myself from inside. I wished it wasn’t a feeling only, but a reality; sadly I didn’t see my body be eaten away, just my heavy breathing that would let me know more firmly how much I was struggling.

I wondered one more time if there was any other way out... if it was possible to come back and fix things in a gentler manner, if I could clean his and her tears, if I could buy us more time without having to compromise anything, if I could allow us a lifetime without letting the guilt consume me for it and there was nothing there. The nothingness one more, dancing around my mind in her black dress, hypnotizing me and surrounding me. 

I don’t know how nor when but suddenly I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, I couldn’t feel the air coming to my lungs anymore, I couldn’t hear her crying anymore and a cold inert body lied in my arms. I felt myself falling and I saw everything turning foggy and as I was falling I just wondered if I was going to be able to stand up one more time. I wished for this life to grant me peace, I wished for God to forgive me.

"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves,
and if You do not forgive us
and have mercy upon us,
we will surely be among the losers."

[Translation of the Holy Quran 7:23]