Never

They were playing happily and our talk was getting heavier and heavier, they looked at us sort of worried and I looked at them feeling so guilty, how to explain to them what was going on? 

- It is better if we stop here. He said and I nodded, there was nothing else to say, we had talked way too much about this previously and I was frankly tired, everything was so pointless. But... what a painful view to see those two! How to explain to them what was going on? What will I say to her now? A tear fell down my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I will go now then. I said and stood up, he just nodded. What else could he do, right? I didn’t even look back to look at him anymore.

- Let’s go, Lucy. I said and before she even attempts to hug him goodbye, I grabbed her hand and pushed her towards me. 

- Say “bye.” I said and I felt like the cruelest being alive.

- Bye... She said in a whisper and the little boy just waved his hand and we started walking away. I couldn’t stop myself from crying now. 

- Why are you crying? She was able to ask even if a bit afraid, she sounded, mainly, worried. 

- We can’t go back here. I told her and she stopped dead. And I stopped with her, asking God to help me regain my strength because we were still too close for me to break down.

- Let’s go. I told her without looking at her because I was not going to be able to bear with her expression.

- Never? She said in a whisper and I felt my heart squeezing so badly... I wondered if she knew the strength of that “never” right there, in any case it echoed deeply inside of me and I still can listen to it...

- Never. I replied in a whisper too, like if I was hiding this information from myself because of how unbearable it was. Let’s go now. I insisted while pushing her hand and she just started walking. I could listen to her sobbing now and, for sure, she could listen to me, I wondered if that was why she didn’t throw a tantrum or she was way too weak to deal with all the situation. 

I wondered if this was the only solution, I wondered if we couldn’t stay a bit longer... She, playing with the little boy, and me talking to the young man. And a flash of images crossed my mind, I imagined us doing many activities together, I imagined us going to the cinema, going to the forest, cooking together, visiting each other’s families, and I had to stop myself from going further, even in my thoughts, because if a dead-ending was painful right now, a dead-ending was going to be killing in the future. Why was I re-thinking all this? Why was I reconsidering all the things that I already talked about with him? It was, certainly, a masochistic act. And a little laugh find its way out of me but she couldn’t listen to it to ask, she was way too into crying. She was already broken and I felt like a piece of trash because I failed to protect her one more time. Because my bad decisions harmed her one more time because I wasn’t able to stop everything on time because it was already too late to come out uninjured from that war. I stopped walking and held her in my arms, I tried to let her head rest gently in my shoulder and I prayed to God for her to stop crying but as soon I held her in my arms her crying increased, I turned my face towards her and she was looking right in front of her. I turned my whole body around and I saw them... The little boy was crying too, but he was just looking at us leaving, calmly, he was just stood there and the young man looking at us calmly too. They seemed immobile and I couldn’t help it, the image was terrifying, it was so heart-breaking that I turned around again, pressed her face against my shoulder so that she wouldn’t be able to look back and started running. 

I hated myself for this. I hated myself and my weakness. I hated myself and my feelings. I hated myself and my thoughts. I hated myself and the illogic idea of allowing me to meet new people before. I hated myself and my stupidity. I hated myself and my bad decisions. I hated myself and the fact that I was already missing him. I hated that I picked this moment of the year to let myself go through this hell. I hated the idea of having hurt them. I hated to even think I gave any kind of pain to his heart. I hated myself for not having been careful enough for his sake and my sake. I hated the image that was repeating over and over in my head. I hated myself so profoundly that I could feel myself killing myself from inside. I wished it wasn’t a feeling only, but a reality; sadly I didn’t see my body be eaten away, just my heavy breathing that would let me know more firmly how much I was struggling.

I wondered one more time if there was any other way out... if it was possible to come back and fix things in a gentler manner, if I could clean his and her tears, if I could buy us more time without having to compromise anything, if I could allow us a lifetime without letting the guilt consume me for it and there was nothing there. The nothingness one more, dancing around my mind in her black dress, hypnotizing me and surrounding me. 

I don’t know how nor when but suddenly I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, I couldn’t feel the air coming to my lungs anymore, I couldn’t hear her crying anymore and a cold inert body lied in my arms. I felt myself falling and I saw everything turning foggy and as I was falling I just wondered if I was going to be able to stand up one more time. I wished for this life to grant me peace, I wished for God to forgive me.

"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves,
and if You do not forgive us
and have mercy upon us,
we will surely be among the losers."

[Translation of the Holy Quran 7:23]  

Punto Muerto

Cuando llegué... estaba cubierta en sangre. La miré en el piso. Quieta... Pálida, tan pálida como nunca. Y me pregunté ¿Qué debía hacer? ¿Cómo podía ayudarla? Luego empecé a llorar... porque entendí que ya no había nada más que yo pudiese hacer por ella. Estabamos en un punto muerto, y por irónico que parezca, ella había muerto con ese punto.

The wound

[Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boUl0jPZMdg ]

My tiny crystal rose fell down and I started crying he looked at me with eyes wide open wondering what was going on.

I just looked at him and point out the pieces on the floor and he understood.

- Aw, your little rose. He said and as I looked into his eyes for a second I started crying even harder and he looked really confused.

- We can get you a new one. He said trying to console me and I just started crying inconsolably, it seems to make little sense to cry on different levels but you can always understand by comparing this to a) Not letting a kid sleep when he is very sleepy b) Taking away a toy from a kid c) Taking him away from his mom. Now you can notice the different intensities, right? Well, just wanted to give a clear image of it.

I thought about touching the broken pieces because there is this whole idea about cutting is a way of self-harming that serves to make you feel in control and I have always been a firm believer in damaging oneself instead of letting others harm you but... don’t you harm yourself, to an extent, because the other had given you some kind of pain? Most of the time people don’t mean to, it just happens. 

It is a bit pointless to get mad or anything, for the sake of what? Putting blames on who? Moses’ reaction makes more sense to me:

He said, "My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, so forgive me," and He forgave him. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful. (Q28:16)

To the risk of sounding a bit radical at this point, I must say that any kind of a pain in my life, I had allowed it, I had let it in and I had been the owner builder of my mishap, isn’t it way too irresponsible to put blames on others? But I also believe in finding peace in God and in His Mercy. Because I know that on my way down, He will always be my Savior and there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Now going back to my crystal heart getting broken, he said that we can get me a new one was truly distressing for me, but in his defense, I would say that his intentions were good and we are no one to judge his approach to the problem because it was the only solution he could find at the very moment.

I started to sob trying to control my tears while looking at his sweet soul thinking of the hard time he was probably having looking at me crying and not knowing what to do, and I cleaned my tears. There was no need for him to go through this struggle with me.

- Yes, you are right. I answered and managed to smile, getting the feeling of a horrible knot in my heart, yes, I said in my heart and not in my throat, because I felt my heart squish, not my throat that was already struggling with thirst due to the fasting. He smiled back. Wasn’t he, even now, such a sweetheart? I grabbed my pieces together and thought that I just had to keep my composure for a little longer, and I could, certainly, do it for him.

- Do you want us to go for a new one now? He asked kindly.

- No, it’s fine, I will get a new one any other day. I am feeling a bit tired now though, I think I will go home now. I replied with the calmest voice possible, but even I was conscious of my reedy voice and wonder how could I cover that up? I panicked for a second, but he didn’t say anything and I breathed again.

- I am sorry you lost it. I didn’t mean to move that abruptly. He said heartbroken and I couldn't, my heart couldn’t. Another tear rolled my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I should have been more careful, and hold into it more firmly. It was my fault, you were just moving around. Don’t worry. I said and wished to be at home because I was already too tired. Yes, I am the kind of person that at the mark of feeling 20% out of her 100% already feels completely drained. I smiled again and he smiled back with those sad puppy eyes and I couldn’t do anything but feel terribly guilty over my own pain, there was no way out, whether you feel sad because of the broken pieces or you feel sad because of pain you may be causing the other, despite the intentionality. I prayed in my heart that he feels better soon, and I know for a fact that he prayed for me to feel better soon as well. 

I got home and thanked him. I waved goodbye to him from the car door and he asked if we would see each other again? I said “of course” and I meant it, I meant it. I just didn’t know how soon would that be, I just didn’t know how to heal faster enough to be able to make him smile. Right now all I could do on his behalf and my own was to start healing my own wound. 

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

One step at a time

Oddly she started laughing and I looked at her becoming really infuriated and asked: 

- What is so funny? 

And she replied playfully: 

- By now you have made a thousand of stories in your head, right? I have cheated on you a hundred times and I have left you a hundred more. No? 

And I couldn't believe her level of cruelty and asked her surprised, mad and hurt: 

- Do you think this is funny, Clarissa? 

- I just think you're cute, Aldo. She said and reached out to me while passing her tender fingers through my neck. 

- I love you now, only you. She insisted and even if I refused to believe her, the captivating of her eyes kept me calm. I forced myself to look somewhere else while still wondering if she was actually thinking of someone else. 

- If you’re so worried, we might as well get married. She said lightly and I looked at her immediately. Was she being serious right now? Was she going to quit to her so-called freedom for me? Was she going to be mine? 

- I am yours already. She said and I opened my eyes widely in surprise. Marrying you would only make it official. 

And when she said so I couldn’t explain the fireworks in my heart. I held her hand and got close to her ear just to say: 

- I am deeply in love with you, Clarissa. 

And she blushed... wasn’t she adorable each time she turns red? She was adorable at all times.

The laws of love

I went to the backyard of my house, where I planted the new flowers she wanted me to.

“That’s the problem with love.” She said looking at the flowers and I was looking at her. “It happens unexpectedly.” She continued. “You don’t see it coming... the moment you notice, you are already in love.”

“Do you regret falling in love with me?” I asked light-heartedly. After two months by her side, I could tell a few things about her, like the fact that she doesn’t like to be out of control but, sadly for her, her feelings keep on showing her the opposite.

“I haven’t said anything.” She answered and when she turned around to see me she was full of anger, but when her eyes met mine they softened immediately and I am sure she hated it as much as I loved it. “I believe you infer way too much about me.” She tried to save herself without hurting me, but I believe it was a waste of time, especially now. Didn’t I know well, by now, the way her eyes light up whenever we meet? 

I wondered if he had anything to do with all this excessive precaution but according to what she had told me it seems to have come even before him. Somehow, the idea of not being him but herself regarding this matter made me happy. I had had enough listening so much about him at the beginning.

“Why did you plant these?” She asked looking at the yellow and pink flowers. She was clearly annoyed even if she was trying hard not to show it, she would have preferred me not doing anything because this kind of acts could shake her heart, even if she would always act all high and unreachable.

“Because you told me you like them,” I said openly and she blushed. Oh! How much I love her feeling embarrassed cause that showed me she felt touched. Oh, how much I love seeing her feeling me because I was sure it was love; even, if I have also learned that showing love means weakness for her and she can’t really tolerate it.

She just kept on walking around my little garden saying nothing. I wondered when will come the time where she will just tell me what she is thinking and how she is feeling without me having to give her a hand.

“I guess you are happy,” I said smiling.

“What makes you think so?” She asked. Of course, she wouldn’t just agree, she would throw a question over my statement and I will answer because I know better she can’t put it out there.

“You seemed happy,” I replied and she looked at me and stuck out her tongue to me and I smiled. I wondered what was that mix of embarrassment and fear with playfulness and carelessness. It made little sense to me, but she made little sense to me at times, so it was just expectable.

I wanted to hug her and I have this feeling about she wanted to, but we were not allowed to and I was to respect her wish. Believe it or not, I thought it was a matter of patient, but who knows? In this little space where she can be herself and play around, I wonder if she would ever feel comfortable enough to let me reach her out without further hindrance. She looked at me and smiled so brightly that I thought that moment was around the corner.