A piece of me

I am moody, selfish, self-centered, manipulative, possessive, jealous and bossy, I can drive you nuts and then put, shamelessly, the blame on you, I am careless and I can be extremely insensitive, I can put myself in danger and make you feel that I am putting you in danger as well, prompt to existential crisis every once in a while, let’s say that three or four times per year is accurate. I can be very sharp and even when I try to control you, the moment you’ll try to control me, things will be over. I trust no one for real, it may seem like you got me, but as a matter of a fact, nobody ever gets me before I get them, I must feel over 100% sure about the other person treasuring me and loving me, for even think about opening up, I talk a lot but I suck at real emotional communication most of the time, emotional breakdown can happen every time you may try to talk about my feelings, because my feelings are my business, but your feelings can be both. I go from hot to cold, and from cold to hot often enough to never truly figure me out. I am annoying and a real attention seeker if I want you enough. I lack common sense many times and logic and I aren’t really the best friends. I can be sickly childish and I adore kids. I am way too religious for many, way too “liberal” for others, sadly for them: little I care. On the other hand, I am extremely devoted, caring, loving and dedicated, I have problems balancing and remembering that if I want you to be okay, I must remember to be okay first. I am way too cheesy and romantic, I can end up going overboard, not on purpose, but because I feel it that way. I get easily hurt or not at all depending on my relationship with you. I am hard to deal with, hard to deal with, hard to deal with and I never say the opposite, even if many times people think it’s not like this, later on, they notice they were wrong, but by then all the blame would fall on me because I just let it be and my warnings signs wouldn’t count for them and their accusations against me. I am a crying baby, but I would never cry in front of you and you can hurt me deeply but instead of acting all down, I may act all high the most of the time, making you feel or think that I am unaffected therefore you meant nothing in my life, even if the nine of ten times is not true. I get bored easily, way too easy, I am not a routine fan and, certainly, not a routine follower. I like peace, but I have my own concept of peace; I like security but security doesn’t necessarily mean boredom or lack of excitement in life, at least not for me. I am cool with changes, I hate abandonment which is the only kind of change I am not good with. Once you are in for real, I lock doors, it takes a while and some real agreements until I will be okay with you going out from time to time, people don’t just “leave me”, I wish it was that simple for their sake and mine, but it doesn’t work that way, especially not after promising not to. I am very responsible and reliable, my emotional instability has no relation with my work or studies or functioning in general, I don’t have the luxury to stop functioning whenever I am not okay, therefore I have learned to go on despite the inner struggle, but this is something many people don’t get. Financial stability isn’t the goal, at least not for me, surprisingly enough I have always been able to work in different stuff regarding education, there is always need of people willing to do the mental work and I am in the list, so I have never felt scared about not finding a job, I am always scared about having a job that I don’t like though. My emotional well-being matters to me, more than most of things in life, and because it was so hard for me to get it, I don’t allow it to be disrupted, it certain studies or work is going to do the opposite of making me half happy, might as well quit because life already does that without you even looking for it. My priorities are very clear, God goes first, God goes first, God goes first, then family and then friends, this divine order can never be altered in my life, it may be altered in your idea of me, but not in myself. I change my mind in a matter of seconds, but I always have the same base ground, I know this can confuse people and it can be disturbing and I am always willing to explain my reasons, but certainly not to be limited to stick to one thought, I am the way I am and I can live alone because of how hard it is to deal with me, but I am not willing to live a life of not being myself for the sake of others. And I stop things half way if I find it necessary, like right now that I grew tired of writing about myself and would prefer to keep on singing “Never Go Back” by Dennis Lloys instead of continue talking about my one and thousand qualities..

Note: I am in a bad mood right now. Also, I am sick and I haven’t slept enough.