To his feet

    There he was, so tired... and I understood it but I just thought words wouldn’t be of much help at the moment. I wondered whether he would see as weird what I was about to do or not... still I felt the urge to do it.

    I sat down to his feet, with my face facing his knees, while looking at him, who was looking to his right, and I held his hands and kissed them. 

    Everything seemed, somehow, dreamy but a bit awkward to me, why was I sitting down to his feet? I could had sit down next to him and hug him as I did so many times before; instead here I was, sitting down to his feet as I imagined myself so many times and kissing his porcelain’s hands. Whether I was offering loyalty to my lord, promising eternal love to my beloved, or begging forgiveness to my master, I had no idea at this point, it just felt right. With him, it felt right.

    He looked at me, and for a second I wondered what to expect, surprisingly enough he just kissed my hands back and I felt understood and respected. I couldn’t understand well what was going on, but what he did made me feel understood, if that makes any sense... it makes sense to me in any case.

    Then I wondered if I should remain there, just looking at his eyes, while he was looking into mine. His eyes... how beautiful I always found the depth of his eyes, and the embracing sadness in them; sometimes, some sparkles of joy would appear in them too and that was enough. 

    After all, this life wasn’t mean to be perfect nor always happy, therefore as long as I was able to see some sparkles at times, I thought I was doing decent enough as his wife. Decent enough? Certainly I thought I was doing decent enough, but that didn’t mean I was actually doing it, that was for him to decide. I could only tell whether he was doing good enough as a husband or not, and for me he was the best husband in the world. I am not going to say everything was perfect between us, but everything was going on, and after two years of marriage he was still bearing with me, now that was remarkable for me. 

     

     On the other hand it didn’t matter how many good dishes I’d try to prepare for him, nor how clean the house would remain, it didn’t matter how pretty I’d always try to look for him nor how many articles I’d read about topics I am not truly interested in just to be able to have a conversation that’s sufficiently intellectually-stimulating for him; it seemed I always had to do more, no matter how many times he’d praise me.

      Who could put up with all my moods as wonderfully as he always did? Who could handle my silence with such patience? Who could understand my ways  as good as him? The time we spent apart allowed me to meet many people that was willing to do so much for me, people that was good and understanding, but no matter how much other tried, I never felt as good as I did with him. I never felt like lying to anyone’s feet but his, I never felt like serving any other man than him, I never felt like loving and devoting myself to any other man than him. I still wonder if he felt something similar with me or with other women.

      I started sobbing, suddenly a burst of emotions occured without warning and the coldness of the air shake me out, I felt scared and alone but it last nothing because in no time he was hugging me and calming me down. I smelled him and the warmth of his body was so comforting... I wanted to stay like that forever, with the safety of his love. I wanted him to give me that forever, I do, even now.

Selfishness’s Pain

I entered the house after doing the groceries for the week and I found her sat down in the living room with some scissors in her hand, I dropped the bags, she looked up, I skipped a beat. She had told me so many times about her past depression, her suicidal ideas, her self-harming thoughts and here I was, arriving home with our food while she was holding some scissors, way too close to her face, way too close.

- “What are you doing?” I asked trying to act calmly, breathing in.

- “I am getting my ends trimmed.” She replied and I finally noticed the small trash can in front of her, I breathed out and collapsed in the chair next to the door.

- “What?” She asked, apparently, unaware. “Does it look bad? It’s my first time doing it but I just thought it’s just so simple, why do I have 20 dollars for this? I can do it myself... Or not? I think I am doing a good job so far actually, my hair looks as healthy as it should to me now. I like my hair, I like to take care of it, but I just don’t want to pay for something as simple as this anymore.” She replied looking at me and I closed the door.

- “Nobody will notice anyway.” I replied.

- “Very nice of you.” She answered clearly annoyed, I wanted to take it back but it would have been pointless now, even if I were to say that it was a mere joke as it was. “I also bought this, I am going to dye my hair.” She said showing me some Instant Hair Wax boxes, I could only think of how bored she was to be doing such ridiculous things, but I restrained myself from commenting.

- “Green? Who are you? The joker female?” And she smiled and nodded. Of course, it was always easy to figure out her thoughts, they were always related to some book, some movie, some friend, or whatever else she had been doing lately. She had been obsessing over The Joker ever since she watched the movie and went to that event in her school where they were discussing the psychological aspect of the movie. I wondered how she can be so basic with this and so complicated with another matter, many times she didn’t make any sense to me. I wonder if she ever does any sense to herself.

- “I also got pink! Initially, I thought of dyeing the ends of my hair only, so that I won’t damage the rest, but then I found these exist. There are temporary, therefore I can take them away with water, which means they are natural. Isn’t that great? I got the pink one because I love pink and because of Harley Quinn but then I noticed I’d also need white and blue if I were to simulate her style.” She said making a pout. It seems to me she is never in her clear mind when she does anything, but then I find myself enjoying her brainchild, they were somehow refreshing.

- “Have you been sad recently?” I had to ask because as curious as I was about how her hair would look like after this sort of experiment, I was still concerned. She was this kind of person that does the weirdest things when she is feeling the lowest, but always with a smile on her face and laughing, making you believe she is so fine when she is not.

- “Do I look down?” Of course, she wouldn’t answer straight such question, and I know she was hating me for bringing that up, especially considering her countless efforts to hide it.

- “I know you better than that.” I said and her eyes lighted up. I still find it funny to see how much it moves her to the fact that I know her.

- “I had been dreaming about him lately...” She said without looking at me in the eyes, playing with her hair.

- “Well, thinking so much of him would only lead you to that.” I replied.

- “Some friends of mine have been telling me that he had gotten a girlfriend by now... and that it is silly of me to think otherwise.” She told me with teary eyes.

- “He has the right to, no?” I answered in, what I wished was, a nice tone.

- “Yes, but... he is mine.” She answered as usual and I smiled. I am sure she is the only person in the universe believing he is still hers.

- “What to do now?” I asked. I just wanted to know what will she come up with now.

- “December is around the corner.” She said and opened widely her eyes, I opened them back and move my head like saying “I had no idea of what you are talking about,” and she continued, “It will be six years since I first met him...” She said now while playing nervously with her hands and I knew something bad was coming. “I think, maybe, I could pay him a visit. I had been seeing some flights, I mean... I tried emailing him last month but he didn’t reply, therefore I may go to his house, just to check he’s doing well... Maybe I could say hi.” I was open-mouthed at this point.

- “Of course, because meeting him at his house is the most casual thing ever, especially considering you guys just live about 8.000 km apart currently. And because his family will be inviting you over to spend Christmas with them, right? Oh, do me a favor, why don’t you go to his father’s office and bring him some desserts? Wait, even better, call him in advance so that you get an appointment in his workplace, but that may ruin your idea of finding each other in a casual manner; though if you show up with some real case regarding your non-inheritance in that country or about your will, maybe he can be of help, no? Well, maybe you can go to the school his mother works in and say that you appeared there just to talk to the secretary, right? That’s so common, people showing at a school to meet with the secretary who had never seen you before.” Of course, by now she was already drowning in a sea of tears, I was already feeling terribly guilty, but I was still wishing for her to understand the reality as it is, and for her to understand that meeting him isn’t an option anymore, not since he had told her so many time she doesn’t want to see her. His rejection in person may kill her and I didn’t know how conscious of it she was.

- “I was just thinking! I never said I would do it! I know that is not casual! I know he doesn’t want to see me! I know he is not mine anymore! I know it is all pointless! I just wanted to see his face, at least, once in my life! Is that asking too much!?” She said in tears.

- “It is when people can’t afford it. Emotionally talking you and he can’t afford that, it is way above your budget. Why would you do that to you both? Even if you meet him, things will go nowhere because he doesn’t want to go on with you. And what if he has some company already? What if you find him with some girl that claims to be with him now? What will you do? How could you recover? But okay, let’s say things go well, in the most remote idea of things going that way; and let’s say you guys meet and he doesn’t call the police because he is absolutely done with you and he doesn’t press charges against you, let’s say you guys meet and he overcomes his anger, let’s say you guys go to that place where you ate those pizzas with your brother and eat them with him now, let’s say you guys talk and laugh, let’s say you even get to take a picture of him while he’s looking away or something, let’s say everything goes magically as I know you want them to go. What then? Is this Cinderella? Do you expect you both to go back to your normal lives after this? Are you supposed to leave the city the next day and pretend nothing happened, is he supposed to think this won’t happen again? What then? Don’t you see how messed-up and selfish this is? Don’t you see how hurtful this can be for him and how self-damaging it can be as well? Don’t you get a hold of how heartless you seemed?” I asked and I saw her shrink in front of my eyes. My heart broke. I received her in my arms while wondering when will this stop while wondering if she would ever be able to just let him go, and wondering if maybe... just maybe... the universe will ever play on her favor and give his touch of grace, changing everything in their favor so that they will ever have that happy-ending she never got.

Right - Addictions

Just wanted to say that I was absolutely right back in 2015 when I said he turned into some kind of drug for and I felt I could die without him because I needed him: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2015/08/tu-nombre-y-tu-apellido.html

And I am saying I was right because, some neuropsychoanalysts, wrote this:

“So, attachment is a primary form of addiction. Anyone who has fallen in love knows the truth of this statement. Being in love with someone is almost indistinguishable from being addicted to them. This, surely then, is the major biological endophenotype that is hijacked by substance abuse.” (p. 180)

“Addiction involves (1) a primary appetitive process called SEEKING, plus (2) a primary consummatory process called PLEASURE-LUST, which rewards the SEEKING activity and thereby allows learning to occur, plus (3) a primary social process called attachment, which is mediated by the PANIC-GRIEF system. Once an attachment is established, reunion with the object of attachment is the specific pleasure that the addict seeks.” (p. 182)

“Neuropsychoanalytic Notes on Addiction” by Mark Solms, Eleni Pantelis and Jaak Panksepp

Autumn Sonata

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

I like to believe that I am a new me, a better version of myself, I like to believe that all the pain I have faced had only made me stronger and allowed me to feel proud of the person I am today. I have achieved so much and I couldn’t be more thankful with God for that. I am not in the place I wish to be today, nor with the person I wish to be, nor in the situation I wish to be, but sometimes we just wish what is less convenient for us, and who does stop himself to think about convenience when feelings are involved? Certainly, it takes a lot of discipline and determination to stay away from whatever it is you want the most but maybe isn’t the most recommendable for you.

I would have liked the process to be less painful, not to have gone through all the sorrow, the sleepless nights, the emptiness in the heart, the coldness of the days, the absence... the damned absence that hurts so badly, but I believe all those things I hate so much helped me to grow up the most and keep on helping me because they still hurt me. I believe humans have different seasons too... and I believe I was and still am stuck in autumn, I still miss him like if it was just yesterday that he left my life, but I keep on going because I just can’t stop. Do I miss other seasons? I guess I do, I believe he was spring in a person used to just winter and summer, I believe autumn is what he left behind because it is some kind of a middle point, but it allows me to keep on going. 

I find interesting how the most basic things in my life are the ones I am proud the most about having conquered. As hard as it is has been to live far away from my family, I believe I had finally been exposed to the real world and haven’t had any other alternatives left other than to face it, I don’t know if I would have ever been able to do it without this physical distance, because having them to cover my back all the time, having someone else to do things for me, having all secured and not having to worry for anything doesn’t allow you to grow up, what need do you have anyways? For the sake of what would you need to do it? How do you even do it? I guess I never “had to”, having my parents and brothers doing it all for me always allowed me to be so carefree at all times and today I can notice it. Sometimes I feel like an orphan, sometimes I feel unprotected, sometimes I feel alone, and as horrible as all these feelings can be, I believe they are part of life and part of “adulting,” have I succeeded in it? Probably not completely, but I am trying... I had been learning and now I can take care of myself. Things as simple as cooking for me, washing my own clothes, pick my own foods and clothes make me think I can handle life and I can do it on my own. Did I know this four years ago? Probably my optimistic self thought it was possible but was never fully conscious of all the effort it takes, therefore today I am proud for having gotten it, against all odds.

Am I a woman? This is a ridiculous question considering I was born with feminine sexual organs, but I am not referring to my sex, or am I? Am I a female even? I believe a part of me would never completely make peace with the fact that I was born a girl and not a boy, just because I still find the idea of being a boy so cool, but I also believe I had embraced my femininity and that’s a milestone, because I can recognize my own body and appreciate it, because I like my curves and I appreciate my skin, because I love my hair and I like wearing pink and black, I guess I like to be a girl and I accept to be a woman, maybe a few years ago I still wanted to be a baby; and even today, there are days where I don’t want to be an adult anymore, and I have this bunch of stuffy animals and I am still deeply fond of the idea of being a kitty, but at least now, I am a big kitty, if that makes any sense.

I am as obsessed with religion as I had always been and I love it, I love all the knowledge I had gathered with the years and I love my passion for pleasing my Creator, I am eternally thankful for this motor, because in this senseless world I found a reason in my Lord, because in all the insanity of the humanity, I still have hope in a happy ending thanks to God, because in all this darkness and all this insecurity, I am still under His Protection and I am all covered. Whether other people care or not for their relationship with their Creator, whether other people believe it is anything of their business my relationship with my Creator, that doesn’t matter. Because I am content with my own path and I keep praying to God to continue that same path for the rest of my life. With joy and with sorrow I must say that whether the people I want holding my hand is doing it or not, that’s another matter, because I am still giving it all up for my biggest reason to be, and my reason is God.

Am I smarter? I think I am less naive and I am more aware, aware of myself and of the rest, I am more connected to this world whether I like it or not because I am part of it... and because the rest of my beloved ones are as well; because I want to build a future for myself, because I want to go on in the best way possible and in order to do that I can’t continue disconnecting myself like a little baby girl that hides in her room when there is an outside noise. People will hurt me on the way, but I will always try to protect myself and be kind and respectful enough not to harm others, even if at times I won’t be able to control it. I apologize in advanced for anyone that may get hurt on the way. 

I am amazed at my levels of narcissism though, how I am able to talk non-stop about myself and I could definitely continue as there are so many things I need to tell me about myself, I am just a bit too tired and tomorrow I have to wake up early as everyday... therefore I will just go to sleep now and that will be all for tonight.

Strani Amori- Laura Pausini

Mi dispiace devo andare via
Ma sapevo che era una bugia
Quanto tempo perso dietro a lui
Che promette e poi non cambia mai

Strani amori
Mettono nei guai
Ma, in realtà, siamo noi
E lo aspetti ad un telefono
Litigando che sia libero
Con il cuore nello stomaco
Un gomitolo nell'angolo
Lì da sola, dentro un brivido
Ma perché lui non c'è

E sono
Strani amori che
Fanno crescere e sorridere
Fra le lacrime
Quante pagine lì da scrivere
Sogni e lividi da dividere
Sono amori che spesso a questa età
Si confondono dentro a quest'anima
Che si interroga senza decidere
Se è un amore che fa per noi

E quante notti perse a piangere
Rileggendo quelle lettere
Che non riesci più a buttare via
Dal labirinto della nostalgia
Grandi amori che finiscono
Ma perché restano nel cuore
Strani amori che
Vanno e vengono
Nei pensieri che li nascondono
Storie vere che ci appartengono
Ma si lasciano come noi
Strani amori, fragili
Prigionieri, liberi

Strani amori mettono nei guai
Ma in realtà, siamo noi
Strani amori, fragili
Prigionieri liberi
Strani amori che non sanno vivere
E si perdono dentro noi

Beating

Look what I found digging into some old files:

“You're mine, Madelaine. You're mine now. Your place will be more comfortable when you will be ready to be "naked" (emotionally) in front of me. And this relationship will be better too...”

But you don't believe this anymore... right? It's been so long after all. You know? Sometimes it feels it was just yesterday when we stopped talking, but then I feel the longing in my heart and I check the calendar and... it has been 4 years already. And it was precisely in September when you asked me to stop contacting you at all... I hope you are doing well without me. I won't lie about me wishing you to be with someone else, we both know my jealousy couldn't even allow such thought, we both know the only person I'd ever want to take care of you and place you in her arms is me and myself.

But why are you still so mad at me? It breaks my heart to know that just 8 months ago I reached out to you Again, and all you told me is that I ruined your day... If you'd let me I could change that, I am sure I can make you laugh! You used to laugh with my wisecracks, I may have changed since I grew up, but I am still me and I believe you are still you, with your same sense of humor and for sure you'll laugh, with me or of me, but you will laugh. Why don't you let me talk to you? Why had I been banished with such furor of your lands? Why can't I even take a peek with your permission? I had apologized so many times... but no matter what I say, you remain so impassive... sometimes I wonder if I truly was that bad to you to the extent of you not allowing to get close to you at all. Not even once had I wish bad for you, whenever I think of you, I just want to take care of you, protect you, heal you, hug you, I never imagine myself hitting you, nor anything like that, why do you push me away so badly? I miss you much... I miss you so much that it hurts even now.

And I know you think I am crazy by now, but in my heart, I am still yours... in my heart, we never broke up... in my heart, we had never broken up. When we “broke up,” you told me you wished to believe what I was saying was the truth but for sure it will change and I will stop loving you. When does that happen? I had asked so many people, even my psychoanalyst and no one, literally no one gives me a date. Even my new Italian psychoanalyst, even worse, he told me you are still very present in my days and you made a great impact in me which makes it very hard for me to get over you, like if I didn't know that. 

My eyes hurt... therefore I can't nor want to write anymore but... just one more memory:

Me: ^_^ dont waste time lookin or spendin time with other girls, at the end of the day you'll end up with your girlfriend, you have no choice she'll follow you everywhere :D 

You: And i'm not looking for other girls. Why should i do that? Are they somehow better than my girlfriend?

Why are we not together anymore then? Didn't you say they're not better than me? You know I am mad now, right? We started pointing out that I am yours, but I must also mention that you're mine too. Yes, whether you feel me or not, whether you love me or not, whether you miss me or not; whether you are in your best or your worst state; whatever it is and however it is, I take you and claim you mine. Just as you did when we first met, without asking for permission, colonizing my heart... claiming that I am your tool, your weapon, whatever it is but yours. Well, you're my heart. You were, you are and you will always be. I beat through you. Do you beat through me? I wonder...

This game of us

Let’s play this game, you stay there, under that tree, right in that door; I will stay here, in this seat, right in this school. 

And the distance will be our shield, I will protect you by protecting me and you will protect me by protecting yourself. 

I am sorry it couldn’t be another way, I am sorry we can’t work together, I am sorry it is so hard for us to be without damaging each other... I am sorry for you, I am sorry for me and I am sorry for us. And while I cry this sad fortune, I will pray every day for you wishing you good fortune and I will dream of us every night, those love stories with happy endings that we were not able to reach out. 

[Madelaine Bustamante. September 6, 2019]

Tu arte

     Después de tanto haberte insistido, habías aceptado, habías elegido el lugar, el día y la hora y yo había dicho que sí a todo lo que habías propuesto, aun si hubieras dicho que nos veríamos en el fin del mundo, yo hubiera aceptado, sin duda alguna. 

     El día había llegado y aun no me había recuperado de la noticia, tenía miedo de desmayarme, de perder la conciencia, de desconectarme porque era demasiado avasallador, tenía miedo porque ¡Yo quería sentirlo todo! Quería sentir el miedo, el éxtasis, la tranquilidad, todo, en el orden que me era dado, todo lo que tú me hacías sentir, pero a la vez quería estar cuerda y parecer un ser racional a tu llegada y esos dos puntos “sentirlo todo” y “cordura” no parecían conectar, al menos no me ha parecido el caso en todos estos años. Cerré mis ojos por un segundo y estaba todo oscuro mientras una silueta bailaba dejando luces de colores fosforescentes por donde pasaba, abrí los ojos y me pregunte si la silueta era tuya o mía, y ¿cómo tenía la osadía de aparecerse ahora mismo? Yo no tenía tiempo de resolver tales enigmas en ese preciso momento, apenas tenía tiempo de recoger todos mis sentimientos y contenerlos en una caja para que la casa no pareciera los escombros tras un remolino y te ahuyentase. 

     Había llegado una hora antes, no diez, ni quince, ni treinta minutos antes, sino una hora, una hora entera para divagar... una hora entera para volverme más loca de lo que ya estaba. Por un momento pensé que podía esperarte haciendo la fila, comprando los tickets antes que tú, pero luego pensé que no quería perder tiempo a tu lado, y hacer la fila junto a ti era tiempo juntos; pero, no había ninguna fila. Supuse que habías escogido esa hora por esta precisa razón. Tú llegaste quince minutos antes, y mi corazón sobresaltado, como siempre, no podía calmarse. Yo te veía precioso a la distancia, no podía ni imaginarme qué sería de cerca y te observe por un minuto que habrá parecido una vida entera para mi corazón que no podía más. Le agradecí a Dios que no me hayas visto todavía, eso me había dado tiempo de sacar esa tonta mega sonrisa de mi cara, y me había dejado vestir una sonrisa “menos emocionada”, permitiéndome demostrar una actitud más “pasiva”, aun cuando todos sabemos que soy todo menos pasiva, a menos que ponga esfuerzo en ello; haber logrado mantener mi entereza era un éxito colosal que tenía planeado celebrar más tarde, ahora mismo solo quería saludarte. 

      Mientras caminaba hacía ti y tú mirabas tu teléfono, una chica se acercó a ti y empezó a hablarte, me paré en seco, “¿De esto se trataba todo?”, “¿Habías invitado a alguien más?”, mil preguntas pasaron por mi cabeza en los segundos que ella te habló, y sentí como toda la energía de mi cuerpo me abandonaba y mis piernas flaqueaban, estaba a punto de entrar en pánico y, de repente, ella se fue... Tarde me di cuenta de que podía haber sido una completa desconocida pidiéndote alguna indicación, preguntando la hora, o algo por el estilo; no tenía que ser alguien arruinando mis planes necesariamente. Me apresuré a alcanzarte, antes de que mi imaginación me juegue otra mala pasada. 

     Cuando me viste tu cara no cambió de expresión, parecías tan impertérrito que debo admitir que me dolió, ya que por tonto que parezca me había imaginado que verme te habría conmovido tanto como verte me había conmovido a mí, pero no fue así... Sin embargo, yo no tenía tiempo de acarrear esa decepción conmigo en ese preciso instante, de manera que me sacudí la pena y seguí. Te salude con un beso en cada mejilla, como lo hacen en tu país, y tú parecías algo desconcertado, pero mi regla de no-touch había sido quebrantada a sabiendas de que esta podía ser mi única oportunidad, y hubo una explosión tal dentro de mí que empecé a pedirle fuerzas a Dios, para mantener la tranquilidad. Me miraste como diciendo “¿qué fue eso?” y mostrando indicios de lo que sería una sonrisa en mi cabeza, yo me encogí de hombros, tratando de quitarle importancia a un evento que tenía toda la importancia del mundo para mí. Miré en dirección de la boletería y empezamos a caminar en esa dirección, la chica que nos atendió era hermosa y no pude más que sentir celos y mirar tus ojos para “calcular qué tan inmersos estaban en ella”, pero nada había cambiado... seguías tan impávido como cuando me viste, mi corazón pudo respirar nuevamente.

    Entramos al museo y empezamos a caminar en silencio, estaba tan emocionada y absorbida en mí misma que había pasado por alto cómo podrías haberte estado sintiendo tú, te miraba cada tanto de reojo, y tú mirabas el arte en el museo, y yo pensaba que yo también miraba el arte en el museo aunque no necesariamente el arte propio del museo, sino el que estaba de pasada. A medida que avanzábamos, mi ánimo inicial caía en picada, me empezaba a sentir no querida, aun si no era la primera vez que sentía eso contigo, y en cada paso sentía que cientos de cubetas de agua helada me eran lanzados, empecé a sentir frío a tu lado, mucho frío. 

     Empecé a cuestionarme la salida en sí, si habías aceptado para que te dejase en paz de una buena vez, o si sentías una pizca de curiosidad por cómo saldría todo conmigo, pero tras treinta minutos caminando en absoluto silencio la primera idea tenía más sentido. Empecé a odiarme... por mi insistencia, por mi terquedad, por mi inocencia, por mi anormalidad, por todo lo que me había llevado a ese momento junto a ti donde estaba más que claro que no te interesaba. Y aun cuando luché mucho porque no pase, me había perdido en mis pensamientos como de costumbre y había pasado el límite de seguridad de una de las obras y un guardia se acercó a mí diciendo “Mi scusa, signorina, non puo fare questo” mientras apuntaba a mis pies y yo brincaba sobresaltada de retro, disculpándome repetidas veces y regresándote a ver pero tú seguías en silencio. Tú estuviste a mi lado todo este tiempo, de manera que también habías pasado el borde que no hay que pasar pero el guardia no te había dicho nada, ni siquiera había regresado a verte. 

    “¿Por qué me habían llamado la atención solo a mí?” me pregunté sintiéndome discriminada, y me acerqué a ti enojada, lista para escuchar las explicaciones del por qué de la actitud del guardia de tu boca, pero apenas me pare frente a ti, y dije “A ver, explícame” desapareciste, y yo parpadee varias veces, pensando que así te traería devuelta, pero seguías ausente, revise mi móvil y no habían mensajes, ni llamadas tuyas. Mire en frente de mí y estabas viendo un tren, me acerqué en silencio por temor a volver a perderte y cuando regresaste a verme, seguí observando a ese ser inmutable en el que te habías convertido, mi mano se alzó en pos de alcanzarte, pero yo hice que baje inmediatamente por el miedo de perderte una vez más. Hubo un quiebre entre la ficción y la realidad al parecer, algo se descolocó, o yo me descoloqué algo... sea lo que sea, no iba a permitir que te arrebatara de mí. 

      Seguí caminando a tu lado, mientras observabas cada uno de los objetos en ese lugar, y mientras tu admirabas su arte, yo seguía admirando el tuyo.

What’s next?

Photography was taken by Madelaine Bustamante.

“So, what’s next?” She asked, clearly annoyed.

She kept on wondering what was she waiting for? What was on the table for her? She couldn’t see anything and she wasn’t even sure about wanting anything in the first place. What to do now, she kept wondering... What to do after him? What to do with herself in that empty house? She put everything in silence and spent whole days with the screen on, with the screen telling her about tons of love stories with happy endings... unlike hers. 

[Madelaine Bustamante. August 22, 2019]

My book

Hello everybody! One more time, for those interested, my book is already in amazon.es and here is the link:

https://www.amazon.es/Tajitos-Madelaine-Bustamante/dp/9942307222/ref=sr_1_1?__mk_es_ES=ÅMÅŽÕÑ&crid=J40WGS63T7IL&keywords=tajitos+madelaine+bustamante&qid=1564996215&s=gateway&sprefix=Tajitos+%2Caps%2C223&sr=8-1

Sinopsis:

”Tajitos...” es una recopilación de poemas y cuentos cortos escritos y seleccionados por mí, en un lapso de diez años y espero que quién sea que lea este libro pueda disfrutarlo, identificarse si es posible, pero lo más importante: sentirme y sentirse... porque ¿Qué es de un libro si no es capaz de transmitir sentimientos? Mis libros favoritos siempre han sido esos capaz de conmoverme, y si al menos una de mis líneas logra eso, me daré por satisfecha.

You all can buy the hard copy or the kindle version, please share it with your friends also, thanks a lot!

I will let the translated synopsis here:
“Tajitos...” is a collection of poems and short stories written and selected by me, in a lapse of ten years and I hope whoever reads it is able to enjoy it, identify with it if possible, but most importantly: to feel me and to feel himself because... What is of a book if it’s not able to transmit feelings? My favorite book had always been those capable of move me, and if at least one of my lines gets that, I will be satisfied.

Always with you, just you.

And there you are... in deep silence in this house that has no one but you and me, and you look at me tenderly as you once did, but it is not you, not the current you and I know it. I know the person in front of me is not real.

But I close myself in my memories and in the promise of your arms always being my safe home to return and between tears and sorrow, I let my insanity take over me and I just curl myself up in your imaginary arms and warm myself up from the coldness of the world. 

Because today I am tired and I need you because I still cry alone when I remember you said you won't let me face the world all by myself and here I am doing it, because sometimes I am scared and I wish you are still around betting on me because I sincerely thought that we will support each other and wouldn't let each other down at any time, because sometimes I would like to allow myself to be weak and I can only get that with you; because I miss you...

And I look at you in the eyes, looking for comfort, and you look at me with puppy eyes, because in my heart you will always look at me with puppy eyes, with love overflowing despite your own lack of knowledge/acknowledge of it. And I hug you tighter as you like, while I cry wishing to ever listen to your voice... because this being that I take refuge in is nothing but my personalized version of you, nothing but a memory, nothing but a bunch of feelings saved inside of me, protecting me from the cruel reality that your absence still represents to me.

And one more time, despite your insistence on the opposite, I will claim that I love you and I will fall asleep with thoughts of us together. With our first meeting, with our first hug, with our first kiss, with our marriage, with our kids, with our life together... always, with our life together, in this dark and cold space... inside my heart.

Never

They were playing happily and our talk was getting heavier and heavier, they looked at us sort of worried and I looked at them feeling so guilty, how to explain to them what was going on? 

- It is better if we stop here. He said and I nodded, there was nothing else to say, we had talked way too much about this previously and I was frankly tired, everything was so pointless. But... what a painful view to see those two! How to explain to them what was going on? What will I say to her now? A tear fell down my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I will go now then. I said and stood up, he just nodded. What else could he do, right? I didn’t even look back to look at him anymore.

- Let’s go, Lucy. I said and before she even attempts to hug him goodbye, I grabbed her hand and pushed her towards me. 

- Say “bye.” I said and I felt like the cruelest being alive.

- Bye... She said in a whisper and the little boy just waved his hand and we started walking away. I couldn’t stop myself from crying now. 

- Why are you crying? She was able to ask even if a bit afraid, she sounded, mainly, worried. 

- We can’t go back here. I told her and she stopped dead. And I stopped with her, asking God to help me regain my strength because we were still too close for me to break down.

- Let’s go. I told her without looking at her because I was not going to be able to bear with her expression.

- Never? She said in a whisper and I felt my heart squeezing so badly... I wondered if she knew the strength of that “never” right there, in any case it echoed deeply inside of me and I still can listen to it...

- Never. I replied in a whisper too, like if I was hiding this information from myself because of how unbearable it was. Let’s go now. I insisted while pushing her hand and she just started walking. I could listen to her sobbing now and, for sure, she could listen to me, I wondered if that was why she didn’t throw a tantrum or she was way too weak to deal with all the situation. 

I wondered if this was the only solution, I wondered if we couldn’t stay a bit longer... She, playing with the little boy, and me talking to the young man. And a flash of images crossed my mind, I imagined us doing many activities together, I imagined us going to the cinema, going to the forest, cooking together, visiting each other’s families, and I had to stop myself from going further, even in my thoughts, because if a dead-ending was painful right now, a dead-ending was going to be killing in the future. Why was I re-thinking all this? Why was I reconsidering all the things that I already talked about with him? It was, certainly, a masochistic act. And a little laugh find its way out of me but she couldn’t listen to it to ask, she was way too into crying. She was already broken and I felt like a piece of trash because I failed to protect her one more time. Because my bad decisions harmed her one more time because I wasn’t able to stop everything on time because it was already too late to come out uninjured from that war. I stopped walking and held her in my arms, I tried to let her head rest gently in my shoulder and I prayed to God for her to stop crying but as soon I held her in my arms her crying increased, I turned my face towards her and she was looking right in front of her. I turned my whole body around and I saw them... The little boy was crying too, but he was just looking at us leaving, calmly, he was just stood there and the young man looking at us calmly too. They seemed immobile and I couldn’t help it, the image was terrifying, it was so heart-breaking that I turned around again, pressed her face against my shoulder so that she wouldn’t be able to look back and started running. 

I hated myself for this. I hated myself and my weakness. I hated myself and my feelings. I hated myself and my thoughts. I hated myself and the illogic idea of allowing me to meet new people before. I hated myself and my stupidity. I hated myself and my bad decisions. I hated myself and the fact that I was already missing him. I hated that I picked this moment of the year to let myself go through this hell. I hated the idea of having hurt them. I hated to even think I gave any kind of pain to his heart. I hated myself for not having been careful enough for his sake and my sake. I hated the image that was repeating over and over in my head. I hated myself so profoundly that I could feel myself killing myself from inside. I wished it wasn’t a feeling only, but a reality; sadly I didn’t see my body be eaten away, just my heavy breathing that would let me know more firmly how much I was struggling.

I wondered one more time if there was any other way out... if it was possible to come back and fix things in a gentler manner, if I could clean his and her tears, if I could buy us more time without having to compromise anything, if I could allow us a lifetime without letting the guilt consume me for it and there was nothing there. The nothingness one more, dancing around my mind in her black dress, hypnotizing me and surrounding me. 

I don’t know how nor when but suddenly I couldn’t feel my legs anymore, I couldn’t feel the air coming to my lungs anymore, I couldn’t hear her crying anymore and a cold inert body lied in my arms. I felt myself falling and I saw everything turning foggy and as I was falling I just wondered if I was going to be able to stand up one more time. I wished for this life to grant me peace, I wished for God to forgive me.

"Our Lord, we have wronged ourselves,
and if You do not forgive us
and have mercy upon us,
we will surely be among the losers."

[Translation of the Holy Quran 7:23]  

Punto Muerto

Cuando llegué... estaba cubierta en sangre. La miré en el piso. Quieta... Pálida, tan pálida como nunca. Y me pregunté ¿Qué debía hacer? ¿Cómo podía ayudarla? Luego empecé a llorar... porque entendí que ya no había nada más que yo pudiese hacer por ella. Estabamos en un punto muerto, y por irónico que parezca, ella había muerto con ese punto.

The wound

[Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boUl0jPZMdg ]

My tiny crystal rose fell down and I started crying he looked at me with eyes wide open wondering what was going on.

I just looked at him and point out the pieces on the floor and he understood.

- Aw, your little rose. He said and as I looked into his eyes for a second I started crying even harder and he looked really confused.

- We can get you a new one. He said trying to console me and I just started crying inconsolably, it seems to make little sense to cry on different levels but you can always understand by comparing this to a) Not letting a kid sleep when he is very sleepy b) Taking away a toy from a kid c) Taking him away from his mom. Now you can notice the different intensities, right? Well, just wanted to give a clear image of it.

I thought about touching the broken pieces because there is this whole idea about cutting is a way of self-harming that serves to make you feel in control and I have always been a firm believer in damaging oneself instead of letting others harm you but... don’t you harm yourself, to an extent, because the other had given you some kind of pain? Most of the time people don’t mean to, it just happens. 

It is a bit pointless to get mad or anything, for the sake of what? Putting blames on who? Moses’ reaction makes more sense to me:

He said, "My Lord, indeed I have wronged myself, so forgive me," and He forgave him. Indeed, He is the Forgiving, the Merciful. (Q28:16)

To the risk of sounding a bit radical at this point, I must say that any kind of a pain in my life, I had allowed it, I had let it in and I had been the owner builder of my mishap, isn’t it way too irresponsible to put blames on others? But I also believe in finding peace in God and in His Mercy. Because I know that on my way down, He will always be my Savior and there’s nothing to be afraid of.

Now going back to my crystal heart getting broken, he said that we can get me a new one was truly distressing for me, but in his defense, I would say that his intentions were good and we are no one to judge his approach to the problem because it was the only solution he could find at the very moment.

I started to sob trying to control my tears while looking at his sweet soul thinking of the hard time he was probably having looking at me crying and not knowing what to do, and I cleaned my tears. There was no need for him to go through this struggle with me.

- Yes, you are right. I answered and managed to smile, getting the feeling of a horrible knot in my heart, yes, I said in my heart and not in my throat, because I felt my heart squish, not my throat that was already struggling with thirst due to the fasting. He smiled back. Wasn’t he, even now, such a sweetheart? I grabbed my pieces together and thought that I just had to keep my composure for a little longer, and I could, certainly, do it for him.

- Do you want us to go for a new one now? He asked kindly.

- No, it’s fine, I will get a new one any other day. I am feeling a bit tired now though, I think I will go home now. I replied with the calmest voice possible, but even I was conscious of my reedy voice and wonder how could I cover that up? I panicked for a second, but he didn’t say anything and I breathed again.

- I am sorry you lost it. I didn’t mean to move that abruptly. He said heartbroken and I couldn't, my heart couldn’t. Another tear rolled my cheek and I cleaned it immediately.

- I should have been more careful, and hold into it more firmly. It was my fault, you were just moving around. Don’t worry. I said and wished to be at home because I was already too tired. Yes, I am the kind of person that at the mark of feeling 20% out of her 100% already feels completely drained. I smiled again and he smiled back with those sad puppy eyes and I couldn’t do anything but feel terribly guilty over my own pain, there was no way out, whether you feel sad because of the broken pieces or you feel sad because of pain you may be causing the other, despite the intentionality. I prayed in my heart that he feels better soon, and I know for a fact that he prayed for me to feel better soon as well. 

I got home and thanked him. I waved goodbye to him from the car door and he asked if we would see each other again? I said “of course” and I meant it, I meant it. I just didn’t know how soon would that be, I just didn’t know how to heal faster enough to be able to make him smile. Right now all I could do on his behalf and my own was to start healing my own wound. 

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

One step at a time

Oddly she started laughing and I looked at her becoming really infuriated and asked: 

- What is so funny? 

And she replied playfully: 

- By now you have made a thousand of stories in your head, right? I have cheated on you a hundred times and I have left you a hundred more. No? 

And I couldn't believe her level of cruelty and asked her surprised, mad and hurt: 

- Do you think this is funny, Clarissa? 

- I just think you're cute, Aldo. She said and reached out to me while passing her tender fingers through my neck. 

- I love you now, only you. She insisted and even if I refused to believe her, the captivating of her eyes kept me calm. I forced myself to look somewhere else while still wondering if she was actually thinking of someone else. 

- If you’re so worried, we might as well get married. She said lightly and I looked at her immediately. Was she being serious right now? Was she going to quit to her so-called freedom for me? Was she going to be mine? 

- I am yours already. She said and I opened my eyes widely in surprise. Marrying you would only make it official. 

And when she said so I couldn’t explain the fireworks in my heart. I held her hand and got close to her ear just to say: 

- I am deeply in love with you, Clarissa. 

And she blushed... wasn’t she adorable each time she turns red? She was adorable at all times.

The laws of love

I went to the backyard of my house, where I planted the new flowers she wanted me to.

“That’s the problem with love.” She said looking at the flowers and I was looking at her. “It happens unexpectedly.” She continued. “You don’t see it coming... the moment you notice, you are already in love.”

“Do you regret falling in love with me?” I asked light-heartedly. After two months by her side, I could tell a few things about her, like the fact that she doesn’t like to be out of control but, sadly for her, her feelings keep on showing her the opposite.

“I haven’t said anything.” She answered and when she turned around to see me she was full of anger, but when her eyes met mine they softened immediately and I am sure she hated it as much as I loved it. “I believe you infer way too much about me.” She tried to save herself without hurting me, but I believe it was a waste of time, especially now. Didn’t I know well, by now, the way her eyes light up whenever we meet? 

I wondered if he had anything to do with all this excessive precaution but according to what she had told me it seems to have come even before him. Somehow, the idea of not being him but herself regarding this matter made me happy. I had had enough listening so much about him at the beginning.

“Why did you plant these?” She asked looking at the yellow and pink flowers. She was clearly annoyed even if she was trying hard not to show it, she would have preferred me not doing anything because this kind of acts could shake her heart, even if she would always act all high and unreachable.

“Because you told me you like them,” I said openly and she blushed. Oh! How much I love her feeling embarrassed cause that showed me she felt touched. Oh, how much I love seeing her feeling me because I was sure it was love; even, if I have also learned that showing love means weakness for her and she can’t really tolerate it.

She just kept on walking around my little garden saying nothing. I wondered when will come the time where she will just tell me what she is thinking and how she is feeling without me having to give her a hand.

“I guess you are happy,” I said smiling.

“What makes you think so?” She asked. Of course, she wouldn’t just agree, she would throw a question over my statement and I will answer because I know better she can’t put it out there.

“You seemed happy,” I replied and she looked at me and stuck out her tongue to me and I smiled. I wondered what was that mix of embarrassment and fear with playfulness and carelessness. It made little sense to me, but she made little sense to me at times, so it was just expectable.

I wanted to hug her and I have this feeling about she wanted to, but we were not allowed to and I was to respect her wish. Believe it or not, I thought it was a matter of patient, but who knows? In this little space where she can be herself and play around, I wonder if she would ever feel comfortable enough to let me reach her out without further hindrance. She looked at me and smiled so brightly that I thought that moment was around the corner.

A piece of me

I am moody, selfish, self-centered, manipulative, possessive, jealous and bossy, I can drive you nuts and then put, shamelessly, the blame on you, I am careless and I can be extremely insensitive, I can put myself in danger and make you feel that I am putting you in danger as well, prompt to existential crisis every once in a while, let’s say that three or four times per year is accurate. I can be very sharp and even when I try to control you, the moment you’ll try to control me, things will be over. I trust no one for real, it may seem like you got me, but as a matter of a fact, nobody ever gets me before I get them, I must feel over 100% sure about the other person treasuring me and loving me, for even think about opening up, I talk a lot but I suck at real emotional communication most of the time, emotional breakdown can happen every time you may try to talk about my feelings, because my feelings are my business, but your feelings can be both. I go from hot to cold, and from cold to hot often enough to never truly figure me out. I am annoying and a real attention seeker if I want you enough. I lack common sense many times and logic and I aren’t really the best friends. I can be sickly childish and I adore kids. I am way too religious for many, way too “liberal” for others, sadly for them: little I care. On the other hand, I am extremely devoted, caring, loving and dedicated, I have problems balancing and remembering that if I want you to be okay, I must remember to be okay first. I am way too cheesy and romantic, I can end up going overboard, not on purpose, but because I feel it that way. I get easily hurt or not at all depending on my relationship with you. I am hard to deal with, hard to deal with, hard to deal with and I never say the opposite, even if many times people think it’s not like this, later on, they notice they were wrong, but by then all the blame would fall on me because I just let it be and my warnings signs wouldn’t count for them and their accusations against me. I am a crying baby, but I would never cry in front of you and you can hurt me deeply but instead of acting all down, I may act all high the most of the time, making you feel or think that I am unaffected therefore you meant nothing in my life, even if the nine of ten times is not true. I get bored easily, way too easy, I am not a routine fan and, certainly, not a routine follower. I like peace, but I have my own concept of peace; I like security but security doesn’t necessarily mean boredom or lack of excitement in life, at least not for me. I am cool with changes, I hate abandonment which is the only kind of change I am not good with. Once you are in for real, I lock doors, it takes a while and some real agreements until I will be okay with you going out from time to time, people don’t just “leave me”, I wish it was that simple for their sake and mine, but it doesn’t work that way, especially not after promising not to. I am very responsible and reliable, my emotional instability has no relation with my work or studies or functioning in general, I don’t have the luxury to stop functioning whenever I am not okay, therefore I have learned to go on despite the inner struggle, but this is something many people don’t get. Financial stability isn’t the goal, at least not for me, surprisingly enough I have always been able to work in different stuff regarding education, there is always need of people willing to do the mental work and I am in the list, so I have never felt scared about not finding a job, I am always scared about having a job that I don’t like though. My emotional well-being matters to me, more than most of things in life, and because it was so hard for me to get it, I don’t allow it to be disrupted, it certain studies or work is going to do the opposite of making me half happy, might as well quit because life already does that without you even looking for it. My priorities are very clear, God goes first, God goes first, God goes first, then family and then friends, this divine order can never be altered in my life, it may be altered in your idea of me, but not in myself. I change my mind in a matter of seconds, but I always have the same base ground, I know this can confuse people and it can be disturbing and I am always willing to explain my reasons, but certainly not to be limited to stick to one thought, I am the way I am and I can live alone because of how hard it is to deal with me, but I am not willing to live a life of not being myself for the sake of others. And I stop things half way if I find it necessary, like right now that I grew tired of writing about myself and would prefer to keep on singing “Never Go Back” by Dennis Lloys instead of continue talking about my one and thousand qualities..

Note: I am in a bad mood right now. Also, I am sick and I haven’t slept enough.

El canto de los locos

     Finalmente todo se ha acabado, los recuerdos rehuyen de mí y la razón se hace paso. “¿Ya podemos irnos?” escucho decir a los motivos forzados, y cuando pienso en ti solo diviso una figura borrosa en el ocaso. ¿Sientes tú también el decaimiento de este amor mal forjado?

     Y quién diría, que algún día, todo terminaría en palabras flotantes y sentimientos arrancados, ¿me uní a los locos por largo tiempo o fueron ellos quiénes, por aquel entonces, cambiaron de bando? Vago por los corredores de mi memoria y es tan frío que temo contagiarme de algo, me pregunto qué será de aquellos que me piden asilo, en estas mis paredes frías, las habitaciones yacen vacías y solo se escuchan ecos.

     Veo los pájaros a lo lejos, pero ya no escucho su canto, ni espero acercamientos ¿qué haría un ser libre en esta casa tan llena de seguros? Me pregunto si guardas mis llaves o las dejaste olvidadas en algún lado donde no las alcanzo.

     Empiezo a sentir, fuertemente, tu vacío... un vacío desde que te fuiste y por el que casi caigo en el abismo ¿Has sido capaz de cerrar el tuyo? ¿O mi presencia invisible sigue haciendo estragos? Tantas veces intenté dejar de visitar tus bosques encantados ¿Me he convertido en hada o tú en pantano? ¿Y si saltamos juntos y bebemos agua del manantial envenenado? Siento la marea de las olas y estoy al borde del desmayo. “¿Entiendes?” Me repito una y otra vez pero solo es una defensa ante el rechazo.

TRANSLATION: The song of the crazy ones.

    Finally, everything is over, the memories avoid me and the reason pushed through. “Can we leave already?” I listen to the forced motives said, and when I think about you I only descry a blurred figure in the sunset. Do you also feel the decay of this wrong forged love? 

    And who would say, that one day, everything will finish in floating words and uprooted feelings, did I join the crazy ones for a long time or were they, back then, who changed side? I wander for the hallways of my memory and it is so cold that I am afraid I may get infected with something, I wonder what will be of those who ask me for asylum, in these my cold walls, the rooms lie empty and I can only listen to echoes.

    I see the birds in the distance, but I can’t listen to their song anymore, nor I await rapprochement, what would a free being do in this house full of locks? I wonder if you still save my keys or left them forgot in a place where I can not reach them.

    I start to feel, strongly, your emptiness… an emptiness since you left and for the one, I almost fell into the abyss. Have you been able to close yours? Or is my invisible presence still making havoc? So many times I try to stop visiting your enchanted forests. Have I turned into a fairy or you into a swamp? What if we jump together and drink water from the poisoned spring-water? I feel the tide of the waves and I am on the edge of fainting. “Do you understand?” I repeat myself over and over again but it is only a defense in front of the rejection.

My book!

Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen!
Soooooo! What everybody was waiting for is here finally! :) I hope you all can get a copy! It's spanish but you can still enjoy the drawings ^_^
If you're interested in buying one, please reach me out at madelaine.b93@gmail.com

You can buy it, directly, here: 

https://madelaineb.myshopify.com/products/book-tajitos-by-madelaine-bustamante

UPDATED: Monday, July 22nd 2019

You can buy it here:

https://www.amazon.es/dp/9942307222/ref=sr_1_1?__mk_es_ES=ÅMÅŽÕÑ&keywords=Tajitos+madelaine+bustamante&qid=1563800604&s=gateway&sr=8-1

Be happy

- Are you okay? Gracia asked worried to see Layla's eyes out of orbit.
- Did he see me? Layla replied covering her face with her hand.
- What? Who? Gracia asked looking around keeping in mind it was just the two of them and wondering what was going on. And Layla got it, she blinked and put her hand down.
- Nothing. Layla said looking down. Let's continue with the wedding plans. She insisted.
- Are you sure about what all this? Gracia asked sadly to see the situation Layla put herself into.
- You can never be sure about anything. I may not be sure, but religiously talking, I am doing the right thing and that’s enough. Layla replied cleaning her nose.

What was there left to think about anymore anyway? Didn’t she know better that he didn’t want to listen from her ever again? Wasn‘t she aware of the mess it will be being together again? Didn’t she know a relationship between them was a lost battle in advanced? There was no need to endure any of that again, they both knew well the outcoming.

She had been dreaming about him lately though, like if he was trying to send a coded message through her dreams, but she knew better it was not him but herself, she knew it was her own struggle taking different shapes in her dreams, still it was so disturbing to see him... because it was sad but happy at the same time, how could her heart do not to jump out of her chest anytime he was bring up? Even listening to his name only could make her heart beat faster than ever.

How painful life was, how senseless everything was... how boring, how tedious, how sad, how tiring.

 She wished him good, as usual, she would continue with her life and she wished from the bottom of her heart good for his life, because more than anything in her life, she sincerely wanted him to be happy... she just wants him to be happy.