Remember the words you told me, love me 'til the day I die
Surrender my everything 'cause you made me believe you're mine
Yeah, you used to call me baby, now you calling me by name
I was walking down the street and my heart was beating a mile a minute as it has been for the last two weeks since I arrived in this city. Coming here was not part of my plan but due to some projects I was kind of sent here and must stay for about a month, thankfully the time is almost done and I have done the most of things I had to do here so far.
I remained nervous the whole time the same anyways... “What if he appears up in any street? What if we bump into each other? How would he look at me? What would he say to me?” The idea itself sounded terrifying. I was not scared of him because I see him as a scary person now, I was scared because I am conscious of my actions and wrongdoings by now and I can't help but feel tremendously guilty over my behaviors, and even when I will always justify myself I understand he won't because we are just so different.
I remained nervous the whole time the same anyways... “What if he appears up in any street? What if we bump into each other? How would he look at me? What would he say to me?” The idea itself sounded terrifying. I was not scared of him because I see him as a scary person now, I was scared because I am conscious of my actions and wrongdoings by now and I can't help but feel tremendously guilty over my behaviors, and even when I will always justify myself I understand he won't because we are just so different.
I walked fast and looking everywhere, I couldn't check my phone even when I have the phone in my hand almost the whole day, I just couldn't risk it. It felt like if I was in a war zone and any misstep could cost my life. Before agreeing on coming I talked with my psychologist about whether coming or not, I told her how close we were going to be and I told her about my worries, she told me I was getting better regarding him and if I really wanted to get re-involved with him; I said I can't allow myself such luxury again. I am still a hopeless romantic but love seems to be too expensive emotionally and I seem to be too poor, last investment let me in an emotional bankrupt and love scares me now more than what I admit the most of the time.
I prayed every day before leaving the house not to meet him on the streets for any reason. I was more stable before coming but now I have fallen in this fearful state and I am very jumpy; just the other night I got a message and almost got a heart attack, which reminded me of back in the days when we just broke up, my phone used to represent a source of fear and excitement at the same time, but now it was fear only, if he ever texts me it will only be to scold me for having seen me in the surroundings, despite me trying to go out the least possible around the zone. I am just grateful my work has to be done in a near city and not exactly here. I don't even know if he's still here, he may have graduated and left this city. But there is still this possibility about he being around that scares me, even thinking of meeting his sister by mistake scares me out... I am so scared and worried that I feel like crying, I am extremely annoyed because I am hiding like a criminal and I keep on paying for something I feel I have paid enough for. In any case, less than two weeks to go and I will be free.
I was on my way to the subway station and someone opened the door of the mini store next to where I am staying. I stayed paralyzed, breathing frenetically and just waiting for my end to come. It is funny now that I think about it, it seemed like I was declared "guilty" in a trial and I got a death sentence and I was just waiting for him to execute me only.
He looked at me and I wanted to tell him that I was not following him because I am sure that was his first thought but words... words, again, refused to go out. I wondered if that was a curse in reality and I was condemned not to be able to think clearly and articulate a word when it comes to him.
He looked at me and I wanted to tell him that I was not following him because I am sure that was his first thought but words... words, again, refused to go out. I wondered if that was a curse in reality and I was condemned not to be able to think clearly and articulate a word when it comes to him.
He was taller than I thought, way taller than I imagined for sure. Tears started to fall from my eyes. His face, his hair, his eyes, his nose... it was my first time seeing him and as nervous as I was my heart couldn't help but get a bit excited and happy to have had the chance to meet him. I breathed in the air consciously, thinking about he was breathing the same air at that very moment and my eyes were fixed on him, a part of me wanted to get closer and touch him... just to make myself sure about this was happening for real, I started asking myself if he was going to say something, I wanted him to say something. Usually, in my dreams the languages people speak don't match the languages they speak in reality and I can tell I am dreaming when I see that.
I calmed down slowly and he blinked, I guess he was as confused as I was... He shook his head a little bit while apparently trying to get back in his senses and walked away. “Don't walk away” by Michael Jackson sounded in the background of my head at that very moment.
I calmed down slowly and he blinked, I guess he was as confused as I was... He shook his head a little bit while apparently trying to get back in his senses and walked away. “Don't walk away” by Michael Jackson sounded in the background of my head at that very moment.
Don't walk away
See? I just can't find the right thing to say
I tried but all my pain gets in the way
Tell me what I have to do so you'll stay
Should I get down on my knees and pray?
I didn't do nor say anything but I thought once again how a simple message from him could have changed everything and fixed so many things, even now... but I couldn't talk to him anymore without it representing a suicide attempt for me, he made clear enough how he feels about having me close or even around. I never blocked nor rejected him in any way possible, I had no idea about how to lock the door of my house for him but it wasn't necessary anyway, he never even looked back and it was pointless to even imagine he would now, I don't know if it was simply out of pride as my brother claims or out of pain as I believe.
Therefore I just saw him walking away with my eyes full of tears, I saw him walk away with my broken soul, I saw him walk away while asking myself many questions that I will never get the guts to ask.
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