L'amore che resta

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

There I was, sit down with my legs on the chair, reading another ridiculous love story, highlighting one more time those silly love lines that catch my eyes and heart as usual. A hopeless romantic, sadly.

- Don't you get bored? Samantha asked.

- Of? I asked back without even look at her.

- Love books... She said.

- Not really. It's a lot of the same, but always different in a way. I said wondering if my words made any sense for her.

- That sounds a lot like you. Samantha told me and we both laughed. Yes, that sounded a lot like me indeed. People keep on saying that I am constantly changing and I insist on the fact that I am always the same deep inside though. - About the break-up... What hurt you the most? She asked out of the blue and I closed my book to look at her in the eyes.

- Having hurt him. I said without even need time to think deeper about it. It was something I had thought about way too much already.

- Ufff. She said disappointedly. What bothered you the most of all he said? She asked then.

- I felt truly attacked when he mentioned that idea about kissing another girl... I even cringed at the thought itself. - And even record it in order to send it to me... I can't even tell how mad I got. I said getting mad again over it.

- What about all the affronts about your beliefs... She asked surprised.

- Oh, that... Well, I knew he was just mad and trying to vent out. I knew very well how much he disliked my religion and he was just "repressing" himself the most of the time, as he himself said; he just didn't want us to discuss over this or that so he wouldn't say those stuff straight to my face before, but all the things he said at the end... I knew he believed so in advanced. I tried to talk calmly, even if I was a bit shaken by the thought of him being with someone else.

- Well, he was mad when he said he could kiss someone else and so on... She got on his side unexpectedly all of sudden.

- That doesn't matter, meaning that doesn't excuse him. I would have liked to say something similar to him just for him to get the feeling, but my loyalty couldn't allow me such base act. Still, I believe that's one of the few times I've gotten angry the most at him. I said indignantly.

- He even apologized for that at the end though... She insisted and I couldn't figure out whether she was seriously defending him or just trying to calm me down; in any case, it wasn't working at all.

- At least. I said opening my book again now, I was getting infuriated.

- Don't you think it's a bit sick to be that jealous? She asked again and I start to consider the idea of going to my room and end up this pointless chitchat.

- Of course, I do. I said plainly, I have never denied it.

- Didn't you feel offended at all by the things he said about God and so? Like seriously! I believe he was very disrespectful. How could you tolerate such epithets? She asked but little she knew about me being more understanding towards him disliking many of the things I truly love than over his betrayal ideas.

- During the time I was with him, I did my very best to understand his position. You can't imagine how many videos I watched about people that have his same thoughts, and I can't tell you how many times I listened to the very same comments he did that day; it was nothing new, meaning I was aware. When you are aware, things don't hit you as badly as when you are oblivious. I looked at her annoyed, stuck in the kiss comment.

- Did he say anything that offended you then? She asked and I rolled my eyes at her.

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Many things. I have a serious problem with jealousy and God knows I did my very best not to be jealous of his relatives, especially over his mom and sister because I can acknowledge that is a bit too much; but, I remember among the thousand of stuff he said, he mentioned something like "stay away from my mom", like if he was protecting her mom from the "evil me". That bothered me for real. Despite all the horrible things his mom said about me, I was always as understanding as I could towards her because she is his mom at the end of the day, and my supposed future mother-in-law. But he going so strongly against me, who never said a bad word about his mother, and him taking sides with her about the way she described me at the end... that was very offensive. But at least then, I could pretend to take sides with my mom over how much of a bad catch she used to say he was. I don't really agree on all the bad things my mom used to think about him and our future life together, I just wanted him to feel what I was feeling at that very moment... that's why I also said "Oh! And my mom was right about..." I didn't really mean it though. I said feeling regretful and embarrassed by my own spiteful behaviors.

- How vengeful... She said with a funny look and smiling. I tried to smile back but didn't get it. I am sorry for bringing up this harsh topic... I was reading something about the differences in psychological development in males and females and I don't know when I started thinking about your break-up and stop reading. I got so curious... I had to ask. I sighed.

- That's fine. I answered and smiled sadly but sincerely at her.

- Do you want to share some good memories about him to wash away the bitter flavor of the previous ones? She asked smiling in a funny way, obviously trying to cheer me up.

- No. I said and laugh. That will make it only worse. I said making a pout.

- That will make you miss him and so you mean? She tried understanding.

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Yes. I affirmed but I guess it was way too late since I was already on the boat of memories by now. - I won't mention the lovey-dovey ones because those will make me melancholic and nostalgic, I will tell you a funny one instead... At the very beginning of everything he used to tease me all the time and I used to have a lot of fun, because he does it in such a sort of chivalrous way I think. I remember this particular joke about him calling himself a hero with some hilarious suit, a "leotard"... and he even said that I was jealous of it, that was just... I laughed hard. 

- You both were very weird for real. She said and we laughed together.

- The funniest part now is that I didn't know the meaning of "leotard" first, so I used to imagine him in some weird leopard' suit because I used to believe he meant that; just, later I discovered the meaning and really got it. And she laughed out loud.

- Oh you, poor girl! She said coming to me and hugging me and I hugged her back while smiling, remembering affectionately that playful side of him that I used to enjoy so much...