The first question

“Do you like me?” He asked looking at her in the eyes.

“Well, we’re talking, aren’t we?” She replied.

“No, I want a straightforward answer. Do you like me or not? Forget the protocol and just answer, please.” He said frustrated. She just stared at him and he shook his head.

“I can’t understand how you are able to stay in silence in moments like this. You can’t even tell how unbearable this can be.” And she thought about caressing his hair to calm him down but touching was not allowed in that phase.

“Why are you asking me this today?” She asked.

“You are not answering my question but you ask and I am supposed to answer, right?” He sighed. “Because we have been talking for a while and I get the final purpose of all this, but after all this time I was wondering if other than you seeing me as a “decent man” to start a family, you have grown any kind of feeling towards me… I mean, that’ll be reassuring but I guess I am asking too much.” She looked at him apparently emotionless.

“Would this change after marriage?” He asked.

“What do you think?” She said and smiled.

“I am not a patient of yours, you know? You should work out your answers a bit more.” He insisted more calm, tired and a bit disappointed.

“Well, I do.” She answered.

“You do? It doesn’t seem like that to me.” He tried to tease her.

“I mean I do as an answer to your first question.” She said grabbing her bag.

“My first quest…” He couldn’t finish his sentence because his eyes open widely and his heart skipped a beat while a huge smile showed up over his sweet face when he understood it.

“See you, peace.” She said and left running, denying him the chance to see her reaction. Her heart was all over the place, but she was not going to say it.

Written on September 17, 2018.

Unless...

- Are you ready? He said turning his head around and I looked into his eyes wondering if he was talking to me. I know it may sound ridiculous not to understand he was talking to me when he was looking into my eyes as well. He is not the kind of boy that goes around looking at girls in the eyes and I am not the kind of girl that look at boys in the eyes, unless...

Unless...

    Unless...

- Are you? He said again and extended his hand to me and I looked at his hand. “Is this real?” I kept on asking myself and my unsure hand reached out his and he held it. He held it firmly and I felt so secure and it felt so warm... How did this happen? I felt like crying, I couldn't understand what was going on, but I felt so fortunated. It seemed like a dream come true but still so unrealistic for me. 

I kept looking at our holding hands but I couldn’t tighten it, I was afraid of making things disappear. He was walking in front of me without letting go of my hand and stopped suddenly, I almost fall over him but as I was moving in slow motion, as usual, therefore I stopped at the perfect time. He turned around looking at me.

- Is this okay with you? He asked looking at our hands and looking back at me. I didn't want him to let go of my hand but telling him to keep on holding it was embarrassing. What to do? I nodded with my head and looked to the floor. I felt how my face lighted up.

- Thank you. He said and as I put up my eyes with my face still facing the floor, I got to see his smile for a brief moment. My heartbeat sped up. Did he smile to me right now? I felt like crying again, I couldn't handle it. Was all this really happening? My eyes got teary, I had to blink before the tears appear up. 

- We are married. He said as he was walking without looking at me. We can hold hands, you know? He said and I felt reassured, was he really my husband? Was he holding my hand purposely? Was all this real? I gave myself a chance to break the magic and come back to reality holding his hand tightly and squeezed my eyes shut thinking everything will fade away once I opened them again. 

But when I opened them, his ocean eyes were looking at me once again and he was smiling brightly. I looked at our holding hands and his hand was slightly red because of the pressure of my handshake. I let go immediately but he caught my hand back and I looked to the floor again. I listened to a soft laugh and he started walking again.

- It is almost Isha time, let's go. He said as we were heading to the mosque and I thought “Ah, this is real! He wouldn't be holding my hand unless... I am his wife.” And the smile over my face could have illuminate the whole neighborhood. 

We were married and he was holding my hand with God’s permission. We were married and he was looking at me with God’s blessing. We were married and this joy was God’s decree. Yes, I finally met the one God made especially for me. I couldn’t have been happier and more thankful to my Lord... I couldn't keep myself from crying out of delight anymore as I just thought:

Is the reward for good [anything] but good?

So which of the favors of your Lord would you deny?

[Translation of the Holy Qur'an 55:60-61]

Say you want me back in your life.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqs5EaAaueA

Remember the words you told me, love me 'til the day I die

Surrender my everything 'cause you made me believe you're mine

Yeah, you used to call me baby, now you calling me by name

I was walking down the street and my heart was beating a mile a minute as it has been for the last two weeks since I arrived in this city. Coming here was not part of my plan but due to some projects I was kind of sent here and must stay for about a month, thankfully the time is almost done and I have done the most of things I had to do here so far.
I remained nervous the whole time the same anyways... “What if he appears up in any street? What if we bump into each other? How would he look at me? What would he say to me?” The idea itself sounded terrifying. I was not scared of him because I see him as a scary person now, I was scared because I am conscious of my actions and wrongdoings by now and I can't help but feel tremendously guilty over my behaviors, and even when I will always justify myself I understand he won't because we are just so different.

I walked fast and looking everywhere, I couldn't check my phone even when I have the phone in my hand almost the whole day, I just couldn't risk it. It felt like if I was in a war zone and any misstep could cost my life. Before agreeing on coming I talked with my psychologist about whether coming or not, I told her how close we were going to be and I told her about my worries, she told me I was getting better regarding him and if I really wanted to get re-involved with him; I said I can't allow myself such luxury again. I am still a hopeless romantic but love seems to be too expensive emotionally and I seem to be too poor, last investment let me in an emotional bankrupt and love scares me now more than what I admit the most of the time. 

I prayed every day before leaving the house not to meet him on the streets for any reason. I was more stable before coming but now I have fallen in this fearful state and I am very jumpy; just the other night I got a message and almost got a heart attack, which reminded me of back in the days when we just broke up, my phone used to represent a source of fear and excitement at the same time, but now it was fear only, if he ever texts me it will only be to scold me for having seen me in the surroundings, despite me trying to go out the least possible around the zone. I am just grateful my work has to be done in a near city and not exactly here. I don't even know if he's still here, he may have graduated and left this city. But there is still this possibility about he being around that scares me, even thinking of meeting his sister by mistake scares me out... I am so scared and worried that I feel like crying, I am extremely annoyed because I am hiding like a criminal and I keep on paying for something I feel I have paid enough for. In any case, less than two weeks to go and I will be free.

I was on my way to the subway station and someone opened the door of the mini store next to where I am staying. I stayed paralyzed, breathing frenetically and just waiting for my end to come. It is funny now that I think about it, it seemed like I was declared "guilty" in a trial and I got a death sentence and I was just waiting for him to execute me only.
He looked at me and I wanted to tell him that I was not following him because I am sure that was his first thought but words... words, again, refused to go out. I wondered if that was a curse in reality and I was condemned not to be able to think clearly and articulate a word when it comes to him. 

He was taller than I thought, way taller than I imagined for sure. Tears started to fall from my eyes. His face, his hair, his eyes, his nose... it was my first time seeing him and as nervous as I was my heart couldn't help but get a bit excited and happy to have had the chance to meet him. I breathed in the air consciously, thinking about he was breathing the same air at that very moment and my eyes were fixed on him, a part of me wanted to get closer and touch him... just to make myself sure about this was happening for real, I started asking myself if he was going to say something, I wanted him to say something. Usually, in my dreams the languages people speak don't match the languages they speak in reality and I can tell I am dreaming when I see that.
I calmed down slowly and he blinked, I guess he was as confused as I was... He shook his head a little bit while apparently trying to get back in his senses and walked away. “Don't walk away” by Michael Jackson sounded in the background of my head at that very moment.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mdsb6zByWfY

Don't walk away

See? I just can't find the right thing to say

I tried but all my pain gets in the way

Tell me what I have to do so you'll stay

Should I get down on my knees and pray?

I didn't do nor say anything but I thought once again how a simple message from him could have changed everything and fixed so many things, even now... but I couldn't talk to him anymore without it representing a suicide attempt for me, he made clear enough how he feels about having me  close or even around. I never blocked nor rejected him in any way possible, I had no idea about how to lock the door of my house for him but it wasn't necessary anyway, he never even looked back and it was pointless to even imagine he would now, I don't know if it was simply out of pride as my brother claims or out of pain as I believe. 

Therefore I just saw him walking away with my eyes full of tears, I saw him walk away with my broken soul, I saw him walk away while asking myself many questions that I will never get the guts to ask.

A bit of affection...

Scene from Serie "The End of the F***ing World"

In order to love who you are, you cannot hate the experiences that shaped you.

- Andrea Dykstra

Rent A Room

- You have a nice house. I said touching the furniture and he got closer.

- Please, don't. He said looking at my hand, letting me know I shouldn't be touching it.

- Very clean as well. I said making fun of him, it was all white and impeccable. Who cleans this whole place? I asked curiously.

- Myself. I didn't even know why I asked, of course, a person like him wouldn't just let anyone enter his house for any vain reason such as cleaning when he could do it himself.

- May I sit? I asked for permission scared of ruining in any way possible his immaculate couch. 

- Sure, just a minute, please. He answered and went to the room nearby and came back with a small blanket. I looked at him wondering if he was expecting me to wrap myself in it in order to sit down on his precious couch. He moved forward and put it on the couch and then he invited me to sit down. I, obviously, laughed. 

- So why did you call me? It doesn't seem a very welcoming place for guests. I said smiling playfully while sitting down and I was just surprised by how comfortable it was.

- You were outside for quite a while asking me to let you in insistently. He said and I blushed to remember it was me who did it indeed.

- Oh, right. I said clearing my throat and stood up immediately. I guess I should get going, it was nice to finally get a glance at the place where you live from inside. I said and he smiled a bit and walked me to the door.

- Thank you. I said looking at his eyes and he just smiled, he seemed relieved of my soon departure and I got a bit irritated thinking I wasn't going to ruin anything in his house and why was he being so... ugh. I got one last glance of his house over his shoulder and he just looked at me with a curious face, I guess he was wondering if I haven't gotten enough and why was I so interested in his place. I liked how empty it was, he was a bit obsessive over the cleanness but other than that the place was so good... I was thinking of renting a room regardless of how crazy it sounded. I got to see some kind of cookies on the table and got an idea to get in again.

- Hey, can I get some of those? I said pointing out the food on the table.

- Do you like tarallini? He asked surprised. Sure, go ahead. He said and move away from the door letting the way in free.

- Yes! I love tallini! I lied and ran back in. I grabbed some and before I started eating them I wonder if I could eat there... I put my hand under my mouth so that nothing would fall. They weren't sweet as I thought, but they didn't taste bad in any case.

- You can take some home. He said and I smiled widely.

- Thank you! I felt I was taking something precious from inside with me and I was completely pleased because only a person like me could understand the value of such a thing coming from a guy like him as well. I took some tallinis and left his house running, "I disturbed him enough for today", I thought. I jumped into the car and waved my hand goodbye to him, he just stayed there looking at me and waved his hand as well and I turned on the radio and I started singing as I turned on the car.

'Cause girls like you

Run around with guys like me

'Til sundown, when I come through

I need a girl like you, yeah yeah ♪♫♬

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJOTlE1K90k

For you

- Look what the kitty did! She said excitedly while showing him her drawing.

- Okay. He gave a glance to her drawing and then continued looking at his computer screen.

- You are always so mean! She said and stood idly by.

- What? He asked looking at her wondering if she was expecting a different reaction.

- Never mind! Continue doing whatever you were doing, sorry for the interruption. She said getting into a mood and went to the bedroom.

He started asking himself whether he should really continue working or if she was actually expecting for him to go and comfort her. He, sincerely, didn't know what to do and, as usual, she was not helping, but he was certain about one thing! She was mad.

He found himself without choices, therefore, he continued working, she used to get like that quite often and she used to calm down on her own if he let her be, directly trying to get her in a good mood used to cause the exact opposite effect the most of the time. On the other side... indirectly trying to get in her good side seemed to have worked in the past... He went to the room pretending he needed something from his bag.

- What do you want? She said immediately with a defensive tone and he pretended to look for something in his suitcase, he took out a square-shaped USB and just shook his hand with it in the air to let her see and left the room. She started listening to music loudly and he thought about wearing his noise muting headphones and then he remembered last time she got mad and tried to make noise and he wore those headphones she didn't talk to him for three complete days while ignoring him to the best of her capacity. For the sake of the relationship, headphones weren't a good option at the very moment. He went to the bedroom and closed the door, she ran to it and open it looking at him angrily.

- I need silence. He said calmly, she stuck her tongue out and closed the door. He smiled thinking she was silly weird definitely. He was about to leave and she opened the door again, just a little bit for him to be able to see one of her eyes.

- I am bored. She said and pouted.

- I can see. He answered.

- Come, dance with me. She said smiling.

- I am busy. He answered apologetically.

- But it's Sunday! You shouldn't work on weekends! You have a life! I know the most of the time it seems like not because I work too, but you do! And your life needs attention! She said getting angry again. 

- I am giving my life attention, I ate breakfast and took a shower earlier. 

- I said your life meaning me. She answered embarrassed while looking at the floor and he blushed.

- Let... let me see that drawing of yours once again. He answered with raspy-voice and tried to clear his throat. She smiled openly and jumped over the bed letting the door wide open. She picked her drawing from the table in the corner and ran back to him.

- Here! She saying smiling.

Drawing and Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

- Nice drawing. Good kitty. He said patting her head. She purred and he laughed a bit. So silly weird indeed, he thought.

- Thank you! She said smiling. It is for you. She said proudly and he looked at the drawing wondering what was she expecting for him to do with it and if she will get disappointed if he just put him in his draw. 

- We can hang it here! She said while pointing out a wall in the living room. Of course... she was expecting them to hang out such masterpiece in their living room.

- What about there? He said pointing out a wall in their bedroom, at least in that way guests wouldn't see it and wondered what is that doing there he thought.

- No, because people won't be able to see it there. And he chuckled thinking that was exactly the point. She looked at him a bit confused and mad and he felt how he was getting into dangerous-zone again. 

- This is mine, not for everybody. He said trying to sound serious.

- Oh! I get it! She said and ran to him and hugged him. Because me is yours only! She said in his arms and he blushed again.

- Right. He answered clearing his throat again and feeling relief to know she was pleased now and he could continue working for real now.

The Happy Ending

Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante

— “Can we go to the cinema tonight?” She asked him while checking the movies' list on her laptop. “I really want to watch that movie. They are so cute!". She said smiling.
— “I have a lot of work to do right now”. He replied fixing his look on his computer.
— “Alright”. She answered disappointed.
— “I really have a lot of work”. He insisted nervously.
— “It’s alright, don’t worry”. She said looking at him and went to his side to give him a peck but he pushed her away strongly and she looked at him in shock.
— “What in the world!?” She said angrily.
— “I am sorry...” He said scared of his own behavior. “But you must believe me, I have a lot to do...” He said moving his head uncontrollably.
— “But why would you do such thing!?” She screamed madly “And who said I don’t believe you!?”
— “The voice in my head.” He answered in a whisper to himself and got shocked for such realization.

Ph. by Madelaine Bustamante

— “Are you okay?” She asked starting to get worried to see him in such state, he seemed so absent-minded and it was his first time acting in such way... She was trying to figure out what was going on and pow! It was already too late, in a matter of second he had grabbed the knife and dig it into her breast and she was never going to understand what happened there, he was never going to be able to explain her it was not him doing it, it was the other... the other one in his head. 

“If you don’t feel blessed to have her in your life through the good and the bad,

let her go because she is not your blessing to have”. (Becca Martin)

— “Why does it have to be so bloody?” Martin asked. 

— “Don’t you like it?” I asked sadly.

— “Are you unpleased with our marriage?” He asked worried now.

— “What!? No. I just need to add some tension to the story otherwise, it won’t be interesting enough...” I answered a bit annoyed with his words.

— “So he had to kill her? Why would a husband kill her wife like this? I mean, I get it, he is nuts! But why are you writing such thing, Naomi? What is going on inside you? Can you please talk to me instead of mask things? Stop the symbolism and just talk to me for once in your life!” Martin said anxiously and my head started spinning out... My feelings, my thoughts, it was a chaos again, all misplaced, it was too much. Suddenly I was sitting down on my heels covering my ears and closing my eyes. I knew Martin couldn’t realize when he was being too much for me, I knew my reactions didn’t make much sense for him and the word “overstimulation” was hard for him to assimilate, even when he himself used to get overstimulate in social activities falling into social anxiety often enough. For me, it was even worse, I couldn’t even tolerate the amount of strong feelings he would arise inside of me, it was just too much in a row.

— “It is alright. I am sorry”. He was by my side hugging me, trying to calm me down... I will never know if we are a good couple actually, many times it seems to me he has to put too much of him at stake, sometimes I feel I have to put too much of me at stake... at the end of the day I just wonder if we are doing the right thing and how fair this whole relationship is for both of us. But I guess that’s the main problem, I am always thinking, I am always thinking too much and I can’t just speak it out as he does... it feels I am going to die in the attempt, I need things to go slowly, to my own rhythm and he can’t always take it and I don’t blame him, but at the same time I can’t do anything about it because this is my very best already; as I know this is his very best at this moment. He continued holding me and would anyone understand if I say it feels so comfy to be there? It feels like home and all my doubts and worries just slip away in that instant... They will surely come back over and over again as many times ago, but right now it’s just so comforting and I wish to stay like this forever... so if forever exists, can someone let this be my forever ever after?

A flashback stroke me so hard, among the tons of writings I wrote when we were apart there was this one called “Not A Good Match”:

—“I am sorry for keeping these useless memories of us.” She said while making his bag.
—“You don’t… You don’t need to do this, I can do it myself.” He said feeling sad for her seeing how carefully she was packing his things as when he used to go for business trips.
—“Can’t I fulfill my wife’s duty freely? Are we already divorce?” She asked sarcastically while crying.
—“You know I didn’t mean that, Rebecca.” He answered annoyed. He felt guilty enough, she didn’t have to put so much effort on it.
—“What did I do wrong?” She asked, apparently trying to understand.
—“We’ve already talked about this… It’s not about doing wrong things, it’s about this not working because we are not a good match…” He said already regretting his words, knowing in advanced what her reaction would be.
—“Not a good match!? Didn’t you think about it when you asked me to marry you!? Didn’t you think about it before living for a whole year with me!? What in the world is a good match!?” She said stopping the packing.
—“A good match is us being able to enjoy each other without having to discuss as often as we do over tiny things just because we’re so different and dislike things from one another. And let’s don’t talk about the big things. Why didn’t I notice it before? Oh, I sure did. You did as well. But we thought love would magically overcome all those differences; but well... no! It didn’t happen that way; at least, not for us.” He said overwhelmed and sitting down on the corner of the bed.
—“Alright.” She said, cleaned up her face and kept on packing.
He just looked at her full of pity, she couldn’t help it, he knew. That was just the way she was and she believed they were supposed to be together for real, maybe she was even really in love with him and their differences… but he just couldn’t bear with it anymore, for him it was only tiresome, it was only burdensome and he didn’t want to go on living that life. He felt he deserved something different, he wished for her to get someone more similar to her, but he wasn’t willing to be that person, not anymore.

And of course, somehow in my most recent story I was just talking about the impossibility of separation, how death would always be better than separation, how I prefer to be killed instead of him leaving me ever again and I was overthinking about it lately because I have been extremely moody and I know how much he dislikes that... But I have been very overwhelmed because my deadline was so close and my book wasn’t even close to its end, which was giving me headaches. But how can it possible he would always be the one taking it all? I had to go out more, with more people, stop putting so much on him... I know better how exhausting it can be for a single person to handle all of me and as much as he wanted he wasn’t the exception to the rule and that was just fine for me, but it was something he had to understand himself as well. There was no need to take this to the court and getting a divorce. I don’t know when I start crying but I felt like drowning for a second and came back to reality.

— “I love you!” I said and hugged him back. What a struggle love is! But I am so willing to go through the same struggle for him as much as it was necessary because everything was worthy as long as it was by his side. “I don’t ever want to lose you again”. I said sobbing. “And I know I am high-maintenance but I will find ways out for us both. Just bear with me a bit longer. Don’t leave me.” 

— “Stop overthinking”. It was all he said and I laughed. But of course, he found a way to make me laugh in a moment like that. “When you write about this I will like you to write “She showed me her vulnerabilities and put them right in front of me, that’s why I trusted her” Hashtag “Extracts of a rebuilt heart”. And I laughed even harder.

— “Hashtag!?” I screamed. “What do you think my book is? Twitter?” And he laughed too.

— “Can’t you make it happen?” He asked and I looked at him in the eyes.

— “For you? Anything I could do for you wouldn’t be enough to do all that I would actually do for you if I could. Hashtag “Tongue-twister, I know”. And he laughed more.

— “Sure, sure”. He said hugging me tighter and caressing my hair and I couldn’t hold it in anymore and purred. He seriously got himself into a weird business with me, but so far, he seemed to be okay with it, despite all the inconveniences and that was just so reassuring! I was definitely going to cook his favorite meal today, “Nobody cares about deadlines anymore!” I thought and laughed.
— “Are we going to Paris for real next week?” I asked a bit anxious now. 
— “Have you been thinking about that time again? It is a good memory for me actually, I don't know why you get so overwhelmed with it. And you love Paris”. He insisted. 
— “I do and I am very happy over that encounter, it is just that... it brings back so many mixed emotions.” I said playing with his hair. 
— “And that's why we're going there for your birthday, so that you may get over it and stop feeling scared about going back. It will be fine. We met there for the first time! And you have been planning this trip for so long, it will be fine for sure". He said and I kissed him. 
— “Fine. Let's take a nap, I am tired... emotionally tired.” I said and he smiled and we snuggled in the bed. “Wait for us Paris! We are going soon!” I said laughing. I couldn't have felt happier! It was, certainly, my happy ending.

L'amore che resta

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

There I was, sit down with my legs on the chair, reading another ridiculous love story, highlighting one more time those silly love lines that catch my eyes and heart as usual. A hopeless romantic, sadly.

- Don't you get bored? Samantha asked.

- Of? I asked back without even look at her.

- Love books... She said.

- Not really. It's a lot of the same, but always different in a way. I said wondering if my words made any sense for her.

- That sounds a lot like you. Samantha told me and we both laughed. Yes, that sounded a lot like me indeed. People keep on saying that I am constantly changing and I insist on the fact that I am always the same deep inside though. - About the break-up... What hurt you the most? She asked out of the blue and I closed my book to look at her in the eyes.

- Having hurt him. I said without even need time to think deeper about it. It was something I had thought about way too much already.

- Ufff. She said disappointedly. What bothered you the most of all he said? She asked then.

- I felt truly attacked when he mentioned that idea about kissing another girl... I even cringed at the thought itself. - And even record it in order to send it to me... I can't even tell how mad I got. I said getting mad again over it.

- What about all the affronts about your beliefs... She asked surprised.

- Oh, that... Well, I knew he was just mad and trying to vent out. I knew very well how much he disliked my religion and he was just "repressing" himself the most of the time, as he himself said; he just didn't want us to discuss over this or that so he wouldn't say those stuff straight to my face before, but all the things he said at the end... I knew he believed so in advanced. I tried to talk calmly, even if I was a bit shaken by the thought of him being with someone else.

- Well, he was mad when he said he could kiss someone else and so on... She got on his side unexpectedly all of sudden.

- That doesn't matter, meaning that doesn't excuse him. I would have liked to say something similar to him just for him to get the feeling, but my loyalty couldn't allow me such base act. Still, I believe that's one of the few times I've gotten angry the most at him. I said indignantly.

- He even apologized for that at the end though... She insisted and I couldn't figure out whether she was seriously defending him or just trying to calm me down; in any case, it wasn't working at all.

- At least. I said opening my book again now, I was getting infuriated.

- Don't you think it's a bit sick to be that jealous? She asked again and I start to consider the idea of going to my room and end up this pointless chitchat.

- Of course, I do. I said plainly, I have never denied it.

- Didn't you feel offended at all by the things he said about God and so? Like seriously! I believe he was very disrespectful. How could you tolerate such epithets? She asked but little she knew about me being more understanding towards him disliking many of the things I truly love than over his betrayal ideas.

- During the time I was with him, I did my very best to understand his position. You can't imagine how many videos I watched about people that have his same thoughts, and I can't tell you how many times I listened to the very same comments he did that day; it was nothing new, meaning I was aware. When you are aware, things don't hit you as badly as when you are oblivious. I looked at her annoyed, stuck in the kiss comment.

- Did he say anything that offended you then? She asked and I rolled my eyes at her.

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Many things. I have a serious problem with jealousy and God knows I did my very best not to be jealous of his relatives, especially over his mom and sister because I can acknowledge that is a bit too much; but, I remember among the thousand of stuff he said, he mentioned something like "stay away from my mom", like if he was protecting her mom from the "evil me". That bothered me for real. Despite all the horrible things his mom said about me, I was always as understanding as I could towards her because she is his mom at the end of the day, and my supposed future mother-in-law. But he going so strongly against me, who never said a bad word about his mother, and him taking sides with her about the way she described me at the end... that was very offensive. But at least then, I could pretend to take sides with my mom over how much of a bad catch she used to say he was. I don't really agree on all the bad things my mom used to think about him and our future life together, I just wanted him to feel what I was feeling at that very moment... that's why I also said "Oh! And my mom was right about..." I didn't really mean it though. I said feeling regretful and embarrassed by my own spiteful behaviors.

- How vengeful... She said with a funny look and smiling. I tried to smile back but didn't get it. I am sorry for bringing up this harsh topic... I was reading something about the differences in psychological development in males and females and I don't know when I started thinking about your break-up and stop reading. I got so curious... I had to ask. I sighed.

- That's fine. I answered and smiled sadly but sincerely at her.

- Do you want to share some good memories about him to wash away the bitter flavor of the previous ones? She asked smiling in a funny way, obviously trying to cheer me up.

- No. I said and laugh. That will make it only worse. I said making a pout.

- That will make you miss him and so you mean? She tried understanding.

Drawing & Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Yes. I affirmed but I guess it was way too late since I was already on the boat of memories by now. - I won't mention the lovey-dovey ones because those will make me melancholic and nostalgic, I will tell you a funny one instead... At the very beginning of everything he used to tease me all the time and I used to have a lot of fun, because he does it in such a sort of chivalrous way I think. I remember this particular joke about him calling himself a hero with some hilarious suit, a "leotard"... and he even said that I was jealous of it, that was just... I laughed hard. 

- You both were very weird for real. She said and we laughed together.

- The funniest part now is that I didn't know the meaning of "leotard" first, so I used to imagine him in some weird leopard' suit because I used to believe he meant that; just, later I discovered the meaning and really got it. And she laughed out loud.

- Oh you, poor girl! She said coming to me and hugging me and I hugged her back while smiling, remembering affectionately that playful side of him that I used to enjoy so much...

Let's just go home

- Oh my God! Where in the world have you brought me? She said with a disgusted face.

- He is "hiding" here. I answered calmly while going on.

- He lives here you mean. But why? Why, the heck, have we come here? Why are you looking for him now? She said while stepping on something she had no idea what it was other than a slimy substance and screamed horrified.

- You can go back if you want. I answered and sneezed.

- You're catching a cold in this piece of nothing you've brought me in. She said now offended.

- I will be fine. I said wiping my nose and starting to feel some headache and stopping for a second, just to continue walking.

- If he is nowhere to be found, don't you think it'd be better for you to let him go? She said finally calmly while putting aside the limbs over her face.

- I didn't come to get him back. I came to check on him. I said thinking about how senseless my words were and she sighed.

- Then you are saying you don't want him back and we have come to this den just to see how is he doing? She asked skeptically.

- Yes. I just want to have a look... If he is doing well, I will leave in peace. I said wondering if I was hiding something from myself apparently, I was uncovering already because I was thinking about the matter.

- Sure and if he is not doing well we're going to nurse him and take care of him until he gets on his feet and send us to the beach one more time? She asked ironically and I chuckled.

- No, if he's not doing well, I will keep praying for his well-being expecting he'll recover soon. I said and I regretted it immediately because I knew what she'll say next.

- Perfect then! Let's go back home! You can keep on praying for him, it's not like you'll do something different than that. You lack the guts to even face him now, oh! I know that well. She said and I wished she could shut up for a minute, for goodness' sake! I was starting to get annoyed and my body increased on feeling indisposed as we penetrate into that place. I didn't even know if I would find him there but had left with my tied hands and without any more resources, this seemed to be my one and only option.

- There is someone waiting for you right now... and this person may get hurt to know this. She said more like a threat than a piece of advice and I turned around swiftly in rage.

- Don't you dare! I said with my closed fist.

- You made your decision and he made his. This dude is not your business anymore and that person you're carelessly neglecting will give up on you at a certain point. This story is over, stop wanting to re-read it because it can bring you problems. She said looking at me pitifully and I cleaned up my tears.

- That story’s character is dear to me. I tried to explain myself with that lack of sense always present in my sentences.

- Let's hope for the best. Hopefully, he's involved in the best story of his life by now. But you darling, you can't check on him as you please. There's too much at stake and it's not worthy anymore. You may end up doing more damage than good and not just to yourself. She said and I knew she was right! I just didn't want to come back without having a peek, I just wanted to see he is fine.

- But... It's all I could say before bursting out in tears and my legs started trembling, I felt I was going to fall but she held my arm before it happens.

- Let's go back home. This is not a place for us to be. You'll be taken care of properly at home. This is not worth it, let's go back home. She said and I just let her drag me out. 

Once we reached the outside and the sun lit up our faces one more time he was already waiting for us lying down in the car. I didn't really know what to do, say, or even think... I was feeling way too sick and ashamed.

- She's not feeling well. She said still holding me and looked at her thankfully because I couldn't extract a single word out of my chest and when she talked I felt she saved me from drowning.

- I will take care of her now, don't worry. He said holding my arms now, giving me firmness I wondered if I hurt him and felt like vomiting over the thought.

- I... I wanted to say I was sorry, I wanted to explain to him it was all over but my conscience was not at peace by knowing I have left someone I loved deeply behind. It was not me being in love anymore! It was my sense of responsibility, it was the importance of my promises, it was my sincere esteem that would bring me back to know if there was anything I can help with. But I just started crying again, because I knew that in order for me to feel better I was hurting him by being careless over his feelings for me and over my silence because not explaining my actions in advance would only lead to confusion and could push him to insecurity about us.

- You don't need to say anything. He said and hugged me... I felt so beloved I couldn't stop crying. I knew he was kind, and I knew he would always do his best to keep me sane, I just didn't take into consideration how hard that could be while me being in such a state. I know you love me. I know you would never do anything in order to hurt me. I know you're "freaking crazy" as you would say, but at the end of the day, I know very well there is nothing I should be scared of when it comes to us. And do you know how I know it? I know it because I wouldn't let it happen, and because day after day you show me there is stability for us in your chaos. And I know it because, even if I am not you, I've learned to love you, feel you, and love you just the way you are. I know you wish the best for him and you're just worried, I know he gave you way too much for you to just stop caring and I know he meant way too much for you to stop wanting to get involved. I won't say I am okay with it, nor that I like this situation, I really hope this won't happen again... but even if it happens again, I want you to know I understand, even if I dislike it. It doesn't hurt me as you may be thinking, it bothers me because I don't believe he deserves it anymore, but then again I know the way you are and I know you believe he deserves good no matter what. But if he deserves good, I must deserve even better and I got that having you so don't deprive me of the blessing of your sight. He said superbly and my heart was beating to such a speed I was fearing it may stop working at any time, then again I felt reassured, I felt strong, I felt renewed and thought about how important his presence in my life was and I squeezed him and he laughed. 

- Don't you dare to bite me! He said scared and smiling, but it was too late for my "vampiristic instincts", I was ready to attack and he was ready to receive my own doses of love... A sneeze of mine saved him though and we all laughed in the unison.

Yes, you will.

“What’s your alibi?” —She asked concerned.

“That I was with you that night.” —He said spinning fastly carelessly in the turntable chair.

“No, you were not.” —She said looking at him feeling angry and confused.

“But that’s what I will tell them.” —He said smiling.

“And they will ask me...” —She said getting anxious and worried about the whole situation.

“And you’d say I was. Otherwise, they’d put me in jail.” —He said slowing down the pace.

“No, I won’t.” —She said now calm with a mad tone.

“Yes, you will... Because you love me, Tiffany.” —He said now looking straight at her while smiling shamelessly because he was sure of his statement. And Tiffany cried out of anger because she knew better he was taking advantage of her love, but she wouldn’t let them put him in jail. Over her dead body. She cleaned her face and smiled back at him.

“I missed you. Let’s go, Robert. There is a lie that needs to be said.” —It was all she said until Robert reached her out and got his face really close to her. She held it in her hands and he kissed her deeply.

Intimacy on Display by Agnes Cecil.

And then they walked to the door together, they were just so used to that insanity... This was just the beginning of a new adventure for them both.

What is the Love?

Photography by Jorge Bustamante

    I wrote the re-definition of the concept of love a year ago, it took me so long to age there and I can't tell how much I fight it. I am the quintessential romantic, the type of girl that keeps Disney Love Movies Industry on their feet because I am always dreaming of the perfect and everlasting love image they sell us. In fact, the "and they lived together forever after" at the end of silly stories about princesses and the blue prince was something deeply buried in the deepest of my heart. 

    My psychoanalyst had a lot to do with me having the guts to go against my own ideology about love... because in this crazy mind of mine, travelling the world for your beloved one, giving up on everything you know for your beloved one, putting aside your pride for your beloved one, making ridiculous vows to your beloved one and promising eternal love despite adversities of any kind (which includes this person not loving you anymore, or even not having ever loved you) made sense, this Romeo and Julieta story where love doesn't know impossible was rooted in my heart and oh God, how hard it was to make it more realistic! Even now I can't completely say my "renewed" concept of love is truly stick to reality, all I know it sounds like a more "logic" definition, even if I am not sure about me being able to connect or mix logic with love actually. Then this is what I got about love a year ago:

“Love is not everlasting by itself... But love exists. Still it's me the one making it forever and true, but I only make it true and forever if it's worthy; and it is worthy only if the other person respects me, gives me security and the life I feel I deserve, in summary if the person loves me back. Love is not forever by nature, feelings are changeable naturally. Then when it comes to LOVE, I CAN make it forever JUST if it's worthy; but at the end, Love Does Exists.” (Bustamante, 2017)

    And for me to get there I had to talk with friends and non-friends, I talked with people I know and people I don't know, I talked with adults and young people, I even talked with taxi drivers I literally saw once in my life! I talked about it with any human being that gave me the chance to talk about it. I almost lost my "faith" in love... It was incredibly traumatic, because Love means so much to me, even if I am a complete chaos when in love, even if many times my words don't go hand to hand with my actions, even if I suck at it, love means so much to me, love is sacred. 

    

    Redefining love was hard for me, even if the change was "slight", it took me an extraordinary amount of temperance and hitting my head over and over again, cry wildly because it just could not be possible that "love is not forever within itself!" People were wrong and, of course, I was so right... and if it was as people said and not as I thought then: Love Does NOT Exist. A dear friend of mine took a few minutes to explain it to me and, miraculously, I understood! It entered in this stubborn head of mine, and I don't know if it was me finally opening up my mind, or her sincere esteem for me and her wishes for me to be emotionally fine, that melt the substance blocking my eyes from the truth. I couldn't be more thankful for letting me see that Love Exists, maybe not with all the characteristic once I gave it, but as it does; and this crazy heart of mine would have to re-learn it. And to re-learn is good, sometimes it is even necessary... I don't believe love is an illness as many do, I don't believe it is something you have to get cured of, I don't believe it is something bad even when it has hurt me deeply and let me huge wounds, even if at times I seem a "Love Skeptical"; I keep on believing love is something beautiful even if painful at times and I wish you people keep on believing in love as well.

    

    I was a bit hesitant about writing something regarding this, it is very personal; and lately, I don't have the luxury to spend some spare time writing about my thoughts and philosophising as much as I would like to, but as I got a reminder about this re-definition of mine of this concept, and I thought about all the people struggling and going through the same hardship I went through years ago and I believed worthy made some time in my agenda to write this and let other romantic ones know this "discovery" of mine, waiting for having light up a little bit the darkened road of some of my peers; because if even one person gets to read this and felt some peace of mind, I would feel the time I took for this wasn't in vain. I would like to end this by quoting an interesting quote of one of my favorite writers so that you guys can have something else to think about even after finishing this reading:

“Love, the poet said, is woman's whole existence.” 

― Virginia Woolf, Orlando

“Tajitos” Primera Publicación (Muy Pronto)

¡Damas y caballeros! 

Para el mes de Marzo publicaré, si Dios lo permite, mi primer libro “Tajitos” que es una colección de Poemas y pequeñas historias de temas variados, pero principalmente en torno al Amor en sus diferentes enfoques; también incluye dibujos realizados por mí.

Si alguien está intersado/a en adquirir una copia, por favor notificarme con anticipación para tenerlo presente, el costo será de $22 y consta con alrededor de 127 páginas. 

Desde ya muchas gracias a todas las personas que lo compren, es mi primer proyecto de esta índole y significa mucho para mí. ¡Lindo día para todos con el permiso de Dios! 

#Tajitos #PrimerLibro #GraciasADios