 |
| Photography by Madelaine Bustamante |
- Do you ever regret it? I said looking down at our hold hands and then looking up at our children in the playground... It costs us so much to get there: emotionally, physically, psychologically; everything was a fight, nothing came easily to us except for our connection since the very first time we talked.
- Why? Do you regret it? He said looking at me and his eyes were asking sincerely, like if he really didn't know... it was amazing, for me, how after so long he could still ask me if I feel or think this and that. I'd fight my biggest fears and climb the highest mountain for him, despite getting hurt on the way, to be able to get to him at the end of the road will always make it worthy for me.
Maybe it was not him being naive or unaware of my feelings, but me always confusing him. Of course, if we'd consider all the times I've given him mixed signs it's just normal he not being that sure about a clean answer. I am so volatile and changing, I can be laughing and the next second crying and then screaming... He could barely know in advance what was coming, and he was not the kind of guy that would ever get used to that kind of seesaw; still, he was there still trying to handle me and I was still there trying to be more constant, more secure, more down-to-earth, I could never stop feeling I am not what he wants for his life, I know better he would've preferred a different kind of woman in his days therefore it was pretty much a stroke of luck when it comes to me. Unlike me, I mean, I would've fallen for him in any situation, at any time, in any place, because I sincerely love everything about my husband, even if I hate everything about him at the same time. And no one can come and say to me that's not love, because love in itself is ambivalent, saying that I just love him all the time would be a lie, but then saying I hate him all the time would be a lie too. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I love him, as simple and complicated as that.
Because you know? When we are having good times and he is so playful and likes to joke around with me, I love how he makes fun of me; and then when I am doing something and he's so careful about every single detail... I love how he is able to have everything under control because I am so bad having the control; and when I don't know the exact word for something and he loses a bit his mind over how careless I can be, I can't deny I love how obsessive he seems to me about tiny things; or when the children get some chocolates and I join them instead of stopping them, and he looks at me with that disapproval face so that I smoothly put down the chocolate while asking my children to give me the chocolates since lunch time will come soon, I must say that I love the way he is. Other people may find those small things about him not that likable as I do, but I couldn't care less because those people aren't the ones putting that happiness in my heart, he is.
But then when he loses his mind over my silence and can't bear with the time I need whether to get the guts or feel calmer, I hate how impatient he can be; and when he is not acknowledging my efforts over this or that matter, I hate how he doesn't seem to tell the differences between us and me haven't gotten that iron will he seems to have all the time; or when I am so excited about something and share it happily with him, I hate how sometimes instead of cheering me up he puts me down with his perspectives... over me being needing to be more careful or more mature or more more more more, more something that I am apparently not in his eyes. I believe I am! Just not as much as him, he is... let's just say it, he is better than me in so many stuff, and I love that he is like that but I just can't be like that, not to that extent and I know because I've tried so many times already.
But the day I married him I told myself I was never going to ask him to change anything about him, because he is who he is and that's just the way he is and whether I accept him like that or just forget about a life together; but I also told myself, he better accepts me just the way I am, because I can fix things I find not right with me for the sake of us, but I can't change all of me in order to be with him... that'd be annulling myself in order to be with him, and even if for the sake of my love for him I'd be always willing to do it, I knew myself better than that by now and I knew well that wasn't going to work that way... I wanted to be accepted too, to be accepted just for who I am. And guess what? We found a way through our differences because we were sit down at those tables at the park close to our house while looking at our children play and holding hands. Spending our weekend there, simply talking about love, about our love and sure, sometimes we talk about the bills, school, jobs and all those daily life matters that we have to talk, but right now, right there, I believe we were just enjoying ourselves because we couldn't worry all the time about problems, otherwise our life would become a hell, and the last thing I wanted for us was that. Life doesn't need help to bring you down, but you do need help to keep yourself up, so at the most of my capacity, I liked to remember my husband that our love is still there and alive, yes... even after all those years.
But the day I married him I told myself I was never going to ask him to change anything about him, because he is who he is and that's just the way he is and whether I accept him like that or just forget about a life together; but I also told myself, he better accepts me just the way I am, because I can fix things I find not right with me for the sake of us, but I can't change all of me in order to be with him... that'd be annulling myself in order to be with him, and even if for the sake of my love for him I'd be always willing to do it, I knew myself better than that by now and I knew well that wasn't going to work that way... I wanted to be accepted too, to be accepted just for who I am. And guess what? We found a way through our differences because we were sit down at those tables at the park close to our house while looking at our children play and holding hands. Spending our weekend there, simply talking about love, about our love and sure, sometimes we talk about the bills, school, jobs and all those daily life matters that we have to talk, but right now, right there, I believe we were just enjoying ourselves because we couldn't worry all the time about problems, otherwise our life would become a hell, and the last thing I wanted for us was that. Life doesn't need help to bring you down, but you do need help to keep yourself up, so at the most of my capacity, I liked to remember my husband that our love is still there and alive, yes... even after all those years.
- When I get mad at you, like really mad... I said while laughing. I do regret it. But then I calm down and I look at you, I stop regretting it. I don't know if he liked my answer or not, but I was being just sincere. Still, you're the best decision I've ever taken. I couldn't imagine anyone but you next to me for the rest of my life, and I know sometimes I drive you crazy and I am deeply thankful because you're still here, but I must say you drive me crazy sometimes too and I am thankful for that as well! I said while smiling openly, he could never understand what he was for me. I couldn't understand myself.
- You're cute. He said and embraced me.
- Do you regret it? I said now crying because his arms had always had something that I can't bear with and make me so small, and I feel so protected and warm... I can't hold in my emotions anymore at that point.
- I don't. He said and I was wondering whether he said it because he was honestly thinking so or just because I was crying and he didn't want to make it worse for me; but I was sure about something, he was sincerely feeling that because you don't bear for so long someone like me, unless you've developed some kind of affection towards this being, I am way too complicated.
- I love you, Paolo. I said and he hugged me tighter.
 |
| "You're a shiny sunlight during dark days..." (P.G. 2014) |
No comments:
Post a Comment
Sentimientos