Real and Final Freedom

- Let go. I said while crying.

- But... He said in my mind.

- No... just let go of me. I said looking at my arm. 

- Don't you think we should talk? He said looking at me and I cried even harder. I couldn't take it anymore and let myself fell to the floor.

- Wha... He said and I couldn't bear with it anymore. I knew better than anyone that he was not there for real and it was my mind reinventing him over and over again. I was trapped. 

- I need you to go. I said lying down on the floor and he just sits down next to me.

- Weren’t you the one asking me to come back? He said sadly.

- The real you! I want the real you to come back! I am done talking with mirages! Can you please come back? I am begging you. I said while covering my face with both hands.

- But I am right here. He answered and it only made me cry more.

- No! You are not! Can you please... the real you, please come back to me? I miss you! I miss you so much! Didn't you say you wouldn't leave!? I am sorry I can't forget about your existence as you asked. I am sorry I couldn't find someone else. I am sorry I am so "obsessed" with you. I am sorry for everything so can you come back now? I just admitted my faults. Now appear for real, please. Please. I said holding my breast because the pain was so real that I felt my heart squeezing.

- I've never left. He said again and I wanted to make him appear for real or make him disappear for once and all, I couldn't take it anymore.

- Why did you say all those things about not giving up and me being the only thing you have? You didn't need to say them if you weren't sure. Why? It's so hard to take you out of me. I keep on throwing things out but there is always another box full of your memories hidden in some room. Why? Why did you stay for so long? Why did you say all those things!? Why!? I can't move on... I can't go on, I can't get over you! I can't! I said desperately with an upset expression on my face due to the anguish and desperation.

- Then don't. He said and I couldn't believe my own mind was so sadist. How could it be possible to be so heartless towards oneself?

- Don't you understand? You're not real. You are not him and I can't continue living with you because I can't be okay like this. Do you know how hard is for me right now not to text the real you? Do you know how it feels not to see him? Do you know how frustrating is to see him somewhere else while thinking there's someone else in my place? You can't understand how painful it is and how I can't bear with it anymore... I just can not. So please, leave. I said cleaning out my tears.

- If you want me to go, I will go. He said and I felt it like a real threaten, how dared him to say he was leaving? How could he even think about it?

- I can't believe the idea of you disappearing is actually hitting me! I said with an ironic voice and a silly smile, placing my right arm on my forehead.

- After all, am I not here because you actually can't make it without me? He said coldly and I laughed at the veracity of his statement.

- Right. But you know? I can't live without, at least, the idea of him; still, I can't live with just this for the rest of my life. It's too sad... and then there are days like now that tear me up. This impotence... this emptiness... this absurdity... it's suffocating, it's unbearable... I said while the tears were falling non stop again.

- Then let me go. He said bluntly and I held my head with both hands.

- I can not... I said almost is a whisper.

- Why are you asking me to leave then? He asked looking at me directly in the eyes.

- Maybe the problem is not you... maybe whom I need to get rid of is myself... I said staring off into space. 

- That sounds like a smart idea. We both will disappear then. He said smiling and I found him so evil... but I couldn't agree more.

- Let's do it, then. I said cleaning my tears and finally standing up. - Let's make it happen. And I just wondered if I could really stop feeling him in some way. Whether turning to crazy, turning to heartless, turning to brainless or dying. I wondered if I had any guarantee about his memory not getting a way to find me despite wherever I will go, and as I felt there was nothing else for me to do... I decided to give it a try. I just went to the window and looked down. Autumn was never as beautiful as that day, my street was having all the colors imaginable from all the leaves on the floor... and even the delightful cherry blossom seemed to be saying goodbye to me. 

- Seriously? He said looking at me surprised. - Wouldn't that be too painful? And all the blood... Disgusting. He said making fun of me.

- Who cares about that now? Do you really think there's anything more painful than what I am living right now? I said and laughed with him, oh how much I love him... even there, even now. And I remembered that Chinese proverb that would keep on popping up in my mind "One day, three autumns", which happened to be a "Chengyu", which is an idiomatic expression of fourth characters... and that one in particular means that when you miss someone too much, one day feels like three autumns.  - Want to jump with me? I asked with a straight face.

- If you want me to. He said and I laughed even harder, I couldn't allow it; not even if it was not the real him, I couldn't allow him to die with me, not in such pathetic way. I wondered if I've finally paid all my sins so that I have the right to ask for some peace of mind. I wondered if after all this time I gained his pardon, I wondered if I deserve some calmness for my heart... I wondered if I had any right... All I could think of was me not having any strength left to bear with his absence any longer.

- Stay here better, too much blood would be truly disgusting. Mine is more than enough. I said smiling and I put a chair next to the window. I put my right feet over it, then my left one and as I was trembling, I felt free for the first time in years. I turned around to see his sublime face one last time and told him.

- I have always loved you... I have loved you sincerely. I have loved you to the best of my limited capacity. And I saw him crying for the first time ever... and I cried with him and as I felt the drive to hug him, I reminded myself it was not real, it was all inside of me... it was all in the tiny world I built up the day he left and then reality appeared up, so I felt that breast pain again pressing on my soul, I held my heart by putting both of my arms over my breast while placing my hands over my shoulders making a shield with my arms, like protecting my heart. And as I jumped into the abyss I felt free... I was finally free.

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGhAP2tPBz0