Cold House (3. Pleasure)

She was in the living room reading what seemed to be a new love's book and eating some popcorn. He sat down next to her.

- Do you want to play some chess? He asked interrupting her, she looked at him for a minute and asked.

- Will you help me to remember you that I am the winner? And he laughed.

- But I always win! He said playfully.

- I am not playing. You don't know your place. She said annoyed.

- I will let you win... He said provocatively.

- I don't need to "let me win" I am a winner. She said and they both laughed.

- Never mind, if you don't want to play it's okay. What are you reading? He said reading the title. "Behind Closed Doors"... Why do you and my mom like love stories so much? He asked curiously.

- Because, apparently, we both suck at love. If we can't get it on our own, at least let us imagine it. She said making a pout and he smiled and tried to touch her hand as giving her emotional support, which surprised her and she removed her hand immediately and he felt uncomfortable.

- Don't you trust me? He asked hurt.

- Don't ask obvious questions. Of course I do not. She answered sharply.

- I may go one day and not come back due to your constants mistreatments. He said angrily.

- You're always leaving. I am nearly used to it. She answered placing her eyes on her book again.

- You know I always come back regardless of how long I take to do it, and this is why you feel so safe. He said stealing quickly some of her popcorn and she looked at him with her open mouth.

- How dare you! She said smiling indignantly. And he laughed while leaving the couch ready to run in case of her throwing anything at him.

- You began! He said smiling and she smiled back.

- Go and play on your phone, don't bother me anymore. She said moving her hand in the air indicating him to leave.

- I like to be with you sometimes. He said lying down on the couch next to her again.

- "Sometimes". She emphasized.

- Do you know? You're a very possessive friend, you need to stop it. He said placing his eyes on his phone.

- Do whatever you want. She said turning around, placing her left side on the couch, not allowing him to see her face anymore.

- Come on, don't get mad. I was just playing. He asked looking at her but she said nothing and he sighed. The game was over, she came back to her book and he had to come back to his phone. At least she seemed to be in a better mood today, yesterday she seemed so down and broken after he got to fix the air conditioner and even when the house was warm enough, she was still wearing huge and long sweaters like if she remained cold inside after all... He wondered what could he do to make her feel better... He wondered if that guy would ever truly come back for her... He wondered if she was still waiting for him even though she said he won't come back... but as the questions started breaking up his peace of mind, he decided to focus on his game and stop tormenting himself. Suddenly she turned around, now placing her right side on the couch but kept her eyes on the books.

- Thanks for staying. She said and he smiled. She acted so almightily all the time, but her heart was still so soft... and she couldn't hide it.

- My pleasure. He answered and kept on playing now happily on his phone.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]
[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]
[Third part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-13-together-separated.html ]
[Forth part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2017/11/cold-house-2-sweet.html ]

Joie di Vivre.

The pertinent question for which the depressive patient seeks an answer in successful therapy is not, "Will I become lovable enough so that mother will love me?" but rather, "Will I love my mother (or my wife or my child or my friend) even though I am not lovable?" The road to such maturity may only be through the fullest awareness of the deepest despair. The constant protest of the recovering depressive is that he has always suffered, and that now at last he is ready to experience some joie di vivre. If he continues in therapy beyond finding satisfying activities with which to defend himself more successfully against his preconscious or unconscious feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, and unlovableness, he may discover that an ability to experience the depth and wealth of all his formerly forbidden feelings will lead him to greater satisfaction even in the emotions he has found more acceptable.

- Clevans, E. The Depressive Reaction. 

Cold House (2. Sweet)

He knocked the door, she opened.

- Come in. She said while going back to the living room and sitting down on the long couch to continue watching her movie.

- You're always cold, aren't you? He said sadly while sitting down on the small couch next to her.

- Don't start. She said without looking at him.

- Did you miss me? He asked looking straight at her.

- Don't ask such stuff. She said getting the remote control and putting up the volume.

- Two years. I've been by your side for two years... and that f*cking air conditioner is still messed up. He said angrily.

- Fix it. She said and looked at him.

- What did you say? He asked extremely surprised.

- Fix the air conditioner of this house... winter is way too cold and I am way too done. She said giving up.

- Are you serious? He said smiling openly and she looked at another place again with a small smile.

- Yeah. She said and wondered if that was a wise decision.

- Oh, I will fix everything in this house! Do I have carte blanche? He said excitedly and suddenly standing up.

- You do. She said and he was getting closer to her when she continued. Carte blanche around the house, don't you even dare to get close to me. And both laughed.

- Of course. Well, there's always a beginning. He said proudly.

- And an ending. She said laughing. So you better behave. I really don't want to have problems with you, I can't afford it. And he laughed.

- Do you want to help me to fix it? He asked, he just wanted to spend some more time with her in fact.

- I am busy. She said pointing out the television in front of them with the remote control.

- I missed you. He said in a pitiful tone and making a pout. She turned off the television and stood up, he just looked at her.

- I am not planning on doing anything. I won't help. I will just sit down close by while you fix it. I want a complete report on what you've been doing the last couple of months. She said emotionless.

- You never change. He said playfully.

- Neither do you, so let's go. She said and they walked to the second floor where there was the central air conditioner. They walked up the stairs and got there, he got some tools but before touching anything he wanted to make himself sure about it was okay for her.

- Are you sure about this? He asked looking at her worriedly.

- Don't ask and fix it. She said coldly.

- But you told me he... He couldn't finish because she threw something on him and almost hit his head, he opened his eyes widely.

- I won't fail next time. She said looking at him expressionless.

- You're so crazy. He said disturbed and started working.

- I am. She said and one tear fell down her cheek, but she cleaned it immediately.

- Not sure about him being happy to see some changes around here if he ever comes back. He said trying to turn down the tension and trying to cheer her up. He knew her better and he knew how hard this was for her.

- He's not coming back, there's nothing to worry about. She said with an empty voice while hiding her face in her legs.

- Why are you asking me to fix this now? Is there someone coming over? He asked a bit concerned and she laughed thinking he may be a bit jealous over nothing.

- Just fix it. What a curious guy you can be. You wanted a warmed place, fix that. I'll get some chocolates, do you want some? She asked and he nodded.
She went down the stairs, picked up some chocolates and came back up. He didn't seem to be the right person to fix anything but she enjoyed to see him trying so she didn't pursue him about letting it be until she may bring someone that can actually fix it.

- This is a bit strange... I mean... I don't know... It's a bit weird, but I will fix it. He said looking at it very carefully. She put a small chocolate close to his mouth and he looked at her speechless.

- Open. She said and he opened his mouth. - Sweet, no? She said and smiled and he couldn't tell what was sweeter for him, if the chocolate, her actions, or her smile... He decided to believe it was her smile, he would never get tired of being able to taste a bit of the sweetness she spread around when she seems to be in a good mood.
He missed her... he really missed her and due to her actions, it seemed to him she did too, even when he knew better she was never going to say so, at least not to him. In any case, he wanted to believe so... And he also wanted to believe he will be the one fixing that place, and bringing back the warmness to her house, he wanted to melt down her cold heart and bring back her true-self. She couldn't be that lifeless, distant and icy, of course not, after all that time around he knew better how the sound of her laugh break the strongest rocks and the gentleness of her soul can give peace even to a fatal wounded soldier and this is why he was still there... This is why he accepted to stay even if she offered her friendship only, this is why he didn't just let her go, because even if she seemed to be deeply hurt over a past love, she was still a shining diamond in his eyes; and even as a "simple friend", she still had the power to make him shake.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]

[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]

[Third part: https://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-13-together-separated.html ]

Dead Wishes.

When you get sick life changes... When you get diagnosed everything turns around, and all your plans fall down. Like when you get a death sentence... and there is no hope left. 

There is two kind of sick people: patients willing to fight and patients willing to give up. But then, how can someone fight against a death sentence? You can only let it be... and suddenly every single day starts to count.  Every. Single. Day. Because you are not free like the rest anymore, you can not tell you will do something next year, or next month, or even next week! Let's don't talk about the next day, there's no such thing as "tomorrow", all you have is today. And you start wondering constantly if your life made any sense... if you can look back and say "I did well" and smile, at least me when I looked back I still don't know if I've done the right thing. Probably one of the few things I feel proud about is having been able to let people go... not because I am happy letting people go, but because it's healthier for them. What can someone do for you when there's no salvation? They only get frustrated, and you feel that your life ends up even sooner while they're too busy trying to keep you breathing. That's not for me.

If there is something I have learned well is to bear with my sadness on my own, I may not know how to handle other feelings by myself, but sadness has always been my forte. I have had to cope with depression for way too long not to know how to. One more thing added to the list of reasons to be in such state doesn't really make the difference. 

Still, I wonder why in movies, it seems once you get sick, everything turns to be perfect, everybody loves you and you have no other worries than your illness and suddenly faith recovers you and so, and so. In reality, life goes on, as usual, and the difference is that you listen to a clock in the background, that keeps on striking the time in a super rude way, like... it's super noisy. I mean, we all have a clock in the background, but when you have counted hours earlier than you thought, earlier than others, then the clock seems to be merciless, it seems the volume gets to its maximum automatically. 

Oh and your body! It turns into a real pain, in fact, that's the hardest part to hide... How to excuse the changes in your weight? Your skin color? Your energy? It's a bit hard to make up excuses all the time and convince people about everything is well... staying away from people helps them not to notice though... I wonder if they really don't notice or just close one eye, I guess I'll never know.

But then again, as you breathe, life goes on... and things hurt the same for everybody, but your clock being noisier than others dispose you to be in a constant hurry, you don't have time anymore to make decisions... at least not the time you used to have before. Suddenly you ask yourself "Should I call him?", "Should I explain to him?", "Should I let him know?", "Should I apologize one last time?", "Should I let him know one more time how much I've loved him?" but all these 'Shoulds' are useless, at the end one last question turns down all the previous ones "What for?" On the verge of collapse, you realize any move you do will end up being absolute nonsense, then you become a passive being... you become an observer... and you feel lifeless before you life end even, because there's nothing waiting for you, and there's not certain about anything anymore...  

I wonder how other people go through this, and I wonder how the fighters, fight it. My own experiences have taught me that fighting doesn't really lead me anywhere, so I ended up becoming a coward and a surrendering. I guess I don't even have the right to live anymore... I wish I could have had more time, I wish I could have done things better, I wish I could have been less weak, but all those are just wishes... dead wishes that will never come true now... Wishes that will die with me the minute my illness will decide to bring me completely down, wishes that will get buried with me... Wishes that were destined to die the day I was diagnosed, or even the day I was born. I guess the doctor was right... I guess cancer is not a joke and I guess my blood is not good enough for this world.

Still... all I care about.
[Photography by Madelaine Bustamante]

Space Bound - Eminem

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JByDbPn6A1o

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much
But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us
It's lust, it's torturous, you must be a sorceress
'Cause you just did the impossible, gained my trust
Don't play games, it'd be dangerous if you f*ck me over
'Cause if I get burnt, I'ma show ya what it's like to hurt
'Cause I've been treated like dirt befo' ya
And love is evol, spell it backwards, I'll show ya

Nobody knows me, I'm cold, walk down this road all alone
It's no one's fault but my own, it's the path I've chosen to go
Frozen as snow, I show no emotion whatsoever, so
Don't ask me why I have no love for these mo'f*ckin' ho's
Blood suckin' succubuses, what the f*ck is up with this?
I've tried in this department, but I ain't had no luck with this
It sucks, but it's exactly what I thought it would be
Like tryin' to start over
I've got a hole in my heart for some kind of emotional roller coaster
Somethin' I won't go on, so you toy with my emotions, ho, it's over
It's like an explosion every time I hold ya, I wasn't jokin' when I told ya
You take my breath away, you're a supernova and I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you, right at you

I'll do whatever it takes, when I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't with you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go, no boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em, it's never the same?
You want 'em when they don't want you
Soon as they do, feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate
But so much is at stake, what the f*ck does it take?
Let's cut to the chase
'Fore the door shuts in your face, promise me if I cave in and break
And leave myself open that I won't be makin' a mistake

Cause I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you, right at you

So after a year and six months, it's no longer me that you want
But I love you so much it hurts, never mistreated you once
I'll pour my heart out to you, let down my guard, swear to God
I'll blow my brains in your lap, lay here and die in your arms
Drop to my knees and I'm pleadin', I'm tryin' to stop you from leavin'
You won't even listen so f*ck it, I'm tryin' to stop you from breathin'
I put both hands on your throat, I sit on top of you, squeezin'
Till I snap your neck like a Popsicle stick
Ain't a possible reason I can think of
To let you walk up out this house and let you live
Tears stream down both of my cheeks, then I let you go and just give
And before I put that gun to my temple, I told you this
And I would've did anything for you to show you how much I adored you
But it's over now, it's too late to save our love
Just promise me you'll think of me
Every time you look up in the sky and see a star 'cause I'm a

I'm a space bound rocket ship and your heart's the moon
And I'm aimin' right at you, right at you
250, 000 miles on a clear night in June
And I'm so lost without you, without you, without you

Picture and Drawing by Madelaine Bustamante.

Real and Final Freedom

- Let go. I said while crying.

- But... He said in my mind.

- No... just let go of me. I said looking at my arm. 

- Don't you think we should talk? He said looking at me and I cried even harder. I couldn't take it anymore and let myself fell to the floor.

- Wha... He said and I couldn't bear with it anymore. I knew better than anyone that he was not there for real and it was my mind reinventing him over and over again. I was trapped. 

- I need you to go. I said lying down on the floor and he just sits down next to me.

- Weren’t you the one asking me to come back? He said sadly.

- The real you! I want the real you to come back! I am done talking with mirages! Can you please come back? I am begging you. I said while covering my face with both hands.

- But I am right here. He answered and it only made me cry more.

- No! You are not! Can you please... the real you, please come back to me? I miss you! I miss you so much! Didn't you say you wouldn't leave!? I am sorry I can't forget about your existence as you asked. I am sorry I couldn't find someone else. I am sorry I am so "obsessed" with you. I am sorry for everything so can you come back now? I just admitted my faults. Now appear for real, please. Please. I said holding my breast because the pain was so real that I felt my heart squeezing.

- I've never left. He said again and I wanted to make him appear for real or make him disappear for once and all, I couldn't take it anymore.

- Why did you say all those things about not giving up and me being the only thing you have? You didn't need to say them if you weren't sure. Why? It's so hard to take you out of me. I keep on throwing things out but there is always another box full of your memories hidden in some room. Why? Why did you stay for so long? Why did you say all those things!? Why!? I can't move on... I can't go on, I can't get over you! I can't! I said desperately with an upset expression on my face due to the anguish and desperation.

- Then don't. He said and I couldn't believe my own mind was so sadist. How could it be possible to be so heartless towards oneself?

- Don't you understand? You're not real. You are not him and I can't continue living with you because I can't be okay like this. Do you know how hard is for me right now not to text the real you? Do you know how it feels not to see him? Do you know how frustrating is to see him somewhere else while thinking there's someone else in my place? You can't understand how painful it is and how I can't bear with it anymore... I just can not. So please, leave. I said cleaning out my tears.

- If you want me to go, I will go. He said and I felt it like a real threaten, how dared him to say he was leaving? How could he even think about it?

- I can't believe the idea of you disappearing is actually hitting me! I said with an ironic voice and a silly smile, placing my right arm on my forehead.

- After all, am I not here because you actually can't make it without me? He said coldly and I laughed at the veracity of his statement.

- Right. But you know? I can't live without, at least, the idea of him; still, I can't live with just this for the rest of my life. It's too sad... and then there are days like now that tear me up. This impotence... this emptiness... this absurdity... it's suffocating, it's unbearable... I said while the tears were falling non stop again.

- Then let me go. He said bluntly and I held my head with both hands.

- I can not... I said almost is a whisper.

- Why are you asking me to leave then? He asked looking at me directly in the eyes.

- Maybe the problem is not you... maybe whom I need to get rid of is myself... I said staring off into space. 

- That sounds like a smart idea. We both will disappear then. He said smiling and I found him so evil... but I couldn't agree more.

- Let's do it, then. I said cleaning my tears and finally standing up. - Let's make it happen. And I just wondered if I could really stop feeling him in some way. Whether turning to crazy, turning to heartless, turning to brainless or dying. I wondered if I had any guarantee about his memory not getting a way to find me despite wherever I will go, and as I felt there was nothing else for me to do... I decided to give it a try. I just went to the window and looked down. Autumn was never as beautiful as that day, my street was having all the colors imaginable from all the leaves on the floor... and even the delightful cherry blossom seemed to be saying goodbye to me. 

- Seriously? He said looking at me surprised. - Wouldn't that be too painful? And all the blood... Disgusting. He said making fun of me.

- Who cares about that now? Do you really think there's anything more painful than what I am living right now? I said and laughed with him, oh how much I love him... even there, even now. And I remembered that Chinese proverb that would keep on popping up in my mind "One day, three autumns", which happened to be a "Chengyu", which is an idiomatic expression of fourth characters... and that one in particular means that when you miss someone too much, one day feels like three autumns.  - Want to jump with me? I asked with a straight face.

- If you want me to. He said and I laughed even harder, I couldn't allow it; not even if it was not the real him, I couldn't allow him to die with me, not in such pathetic way. I wondered if I've finally paid all my sins so that I have the right to ask for some peace of mind. I wondered if after all this time I gained his pardon, I wondered if I deserve some calmness for my heart... I wondered if I had any right... All I could think of was me not having any strength left to bear with his absence any longer.

- Stay here better, too much blood would be truly disgusting. Mine is more than enough. I said smiling and I put a chair next to the window. I put my right feet over it, then my left one and as I was trembling, I felt free for the first time in years. I turned around to see his sublime face one last time and told him.

- I have always loved you... I have loved you sincerely. I have loved you to the best of my limited capacity. And I saw him crying for the first time ever... and I cried with him and as I felt the drive to hug him, I reminded myself it was not real, it was all inside of me... it was all in the tiny world I built up the day he left and then reality appeared up, so I felt that breast pain again pressing on my soul, I held my heart by putting both of my arms over my breast while placing my hands over my shoulders making a shield with my arms, like protecting my heart. And as I jumped into the abyss I felt free... I was finally free.

Drawing and Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGhAP2tPBz0

The wings

He was playing with his puzzles as usual and she was looking at him from afar. He had really nice and long white wings... and hers were just so small and kind of broken, she could barely raise herself since she got that accident. She went to him very quietly not to disturb him, otherwise, he'll step back and offer her a spot but he wouldn't allow her to do what she was planning to do.

He had this wonderful and huge wings... still he'd never fly too far nor too high, she kept on wondering why didn't he even try? He seemed to be comfortable right where he was and she wasn't going to question his reasons but certainly his wings were so beautiful... she couldn't handle it anymore and touch one of them. The small winged being turned around a bit annoyed and said: - "Hey!"

- "I am so sorry!" She said truly sorry and about to cry.

- "Why did you do that?" The kid asked looking at her angrily.

- "I just... I just wanted to touch them..." She answered.

- "Touch your own!" He said and fly away and she turned her head a bit to see her own and there was no point, her wings weren't even comparable to his.

She started playing with the puzzle herself thinking she won't bother him anymore. They suppose to be friends but he was always so sneaky with her. Always pulling her away, like if she was going to harm him! It was senseless to her, he was bigger and obviously stronger. Also, why wouldn't he consider their friendship? She'd admit she didn't actually care about their friendship in the beginning, but now she was starting to treasure him; still, he seemed so distant. Why couldn't she just touch his wing? Why was him so stingy? She didn't mean to take away any of his wings or take anything from him, then why was him so caring towards her? She was mad now. Always running away, always stepping back, always acting so cautious. She left the puzzle and walk away from there, she was going to go to the river, she couldn't even understand why he was always playing with that puzzle in that edge, she wouldn't say seeing the clouds wasn't entertaining but being so close to the edge was also scary, even if they could fly... especially to someone with damage wings as hers.

He came back after a short while, he found her playing around in the river, she was just splashing the water between her hands and enjoying herself.

- "I am back". He said looking at her.

- "Alright". She answered without looking at him but focusing her eyes on her hands full of water yet.

- "Do you want to play?" He asked timidly and she looked at him with a mad face yet.

- "What game?". She asked a bit curious. He didn't know any real games other than the ones they've already played thousands of times and after his reaction, she wasn't in the mood to play any of them. He looked at his wings.

- "Let's throw rocks to the river." He said smiling.

- "We always do that. I don't want to right now." She said sharply.

- "If you win you can touch my wings." He told her blushing a bit and her face lighted up.

- "Really!?" She said smiling openly now, but her excitement slowed down fastly when she looked around and saw her own wings. "What if you win?" She said caressing her right wing.

- "You don't touch my wings." He answered and she smiled looking at him again. He surely knows how to be careful not towards himself only, but also towards her; suddenly all her anger slipped away and she wonders if all his considerations were focused on protect himself only, or if like just now... he was safeguarding her interests as well; after all he knew better what happened to her... and he never asked anything from her. "He is a real friend, a good one!" She thought and as she was smiling he smiled back at her too. They started throwing tiny rocks to that huge river.

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bC3WAxiLnDY

Friday night

We were on the couch of the living room, I was kind of sit down over his lap, playing with his hands while talking about tomorrow's events, we had to do the groceries after job and were thinking about the food we were missing at home. And I swear I couldn't think anything but what a handsome and amazing man he is and for a minute I stopped talking and playing with our hands because I was just looking at him talking, then he stayed quiet as well. And I meowed and he laughed out hard. 

- You're so cute I just want to bite you. I said pretending I cry.

- You say you're a cat, but that seems more like a dog to me. He said kidding and I took my chance to lick a bit of his bearded chin.

- There you go. He said a bit annoyed looking somewhere else while cleaning his chin and I pecked him. And he gave it back in a real kiss, as I started passing my fingers through his hair, he was sliding his hand under my sweater and before he gets to my t-shirt I tried to stop it.

- Wa...it... I said vaguely and almost without a will while still kissing him, so he didn't stop. And I reminded myself it was now or never because if we'd continue I wouldn't be getting it.

- Wait, wait. I said agitated and sitting properly while pulling down my t-shirt and sweater. 

- What? He said with a shaken voice moving his hands around my waist, so I stood up. He stood up too.

- You told me we were going to have crispy chicken today. I said firmly, trying to recover myself.

- Are you kidding me!? He said shocked and brought me closer to him while threatening with kissing me again. 

- No! I said frustrated looking straight at him kind of mad, but also kind of laughing. You said we'll go to eat chicken outside today and if... I won't want to leave the house anymore! And I want to eat it now, you promised last week. I claimed, wondering if this will make me appear like a capricious child in his eyes. I was just asking him to fulfill his promises, I waited patiently for all this time as he asked.

- You want chicken right now? He asked.

- Yes. I said trying to be serious.

- Oh God, I can't believe this. It seems that you never eat chicken. He said a bit annoyed, letting me go and walking to the room. I followed him, trying my best not to laugh.

- I wouldn't get like this over crispy chicken if you'd allow me to eat it more often, but I have this strict and horrible diet that I must follow in order to keep a healthy body because my metabolism sucks, so forgive me if I get over excited when I think about chicken on Friday night... I said with an apologetic voice. He sat down on the border of the bed.

- Have you been waiting for this the whole week? He asked looking at me seriously.

- Yes. I just didn't insist because you said Friday night. I really like crispy chicken. I said with a grimace.

- More than me apparently. He said still a bit annoyed while standing up and going to the kitchen to grab some water, I followed him of course.

- I like you to another level. But I need to take my opportunities to eat chicken, you don't say yes to me all the time and it has nothing to do with the price because chicken is not even expensive. You just know I must keep my diet so you don't let me eat that chicken freely. So I obey you and I don't cheat on my diet, no matter how many times I wish to, but now I need that chicken. I tried to explain.

- You "need" that chicken. He said emphasizing my words, to point out the absurdity of them.

- Hubby. I said a bit annoyed now. The wifey says since she married you, she sticks to the diet like if this is a sacred word, and she does her exercises without skipping and she takes good care of her/your body but she needs some yummy chicken sometimes. He laughed a bit.

- Why are you talking in the third person now? Can't bear to say what a gluttonous you are? He said making fun of me.

- She says you shouldn't be bothering her because she's nearly giving up on food for you and that must tell you how much she adores you. She's planning on depriving you of something you really like for you to feel her, even better! Give you too much of something since you're better at holding it than her, but worse at exceed, so you may feel the effort. I said while serving myself some water too and drinking.

- It's not for me, but for us. And sweets aren't real food and that chicken isn't the best for her health, still, I allowed to go. Also if we take so much care of her body if for the babies we plan to have in the future, not because I want and that's it. He said holding my hand now.

- The wifey says she is happy and thankful that you're allowing her to eat crispy chicken tonight and she apologies for having stopped it... but if you guys would've taken it further she wasn't going to leave the house she knows better because she can be so lazy sometimes. Also, she wants to get some fresh air, that's why she didn't even consider delivery, even if she is thinking about it now. I said moving my head to the left while looking somewhere else like thinking.

- We should walk a bit if we're going to get that many calories. He said while bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing it. Come on chicken-lady, let's get some chicken. He said smiling.

- Yay! I screamed putting my both arms up and he laughed.

- I still can't believe you've putten chicken above me. He said pretending to be displeased now.

- Aw, did I hurt your man's pride? I said not falling into his trap while getting closer to him and looking up at him directly in the eyes since he's much taller than me. 

- Oh you, little... He was saying and couldn't continue to cause my lips reached his to engage in a sweet kiss while placing his hands behind my back.

- But now let's get some chicken. I said smiling and hugged him and he laughed again.

Will I ever get rid of my love for sweet comics?
I don't think so. This is my new thing: Catana Comics.

- Yes, yes. He said leaving the kitchen and I followed him. He got his sweater, I got my scarf and a jacket because a sweater wouldn't make it for me. We turned off the lights and left the house. And we walked down the street to the center to get some chicken, while I put one of the hands and his jacket's pocket so that he wouldn't have space and he put his arm around my neck and felt even warmer. There I was, happy and bright, by the hand of the man of my life, going to get my favorite food in the world, certainly, I couldn't ask for more. I wonder what could I do for him to feel the exact same way and as I looked at him smiling, I imagined he was enjoying it too.

You're mine.

- Who's that? I said angrily on the couch when he came in. I was with the television on, with my hands on the remote control now muting the sound.

- It's me. He answered.

- Of course, I know it's you. No one else but you would be coming by that door. I said now turning off the television and turning around to see his face. He was taking off his jacket. 

- Why do you ask who is it then? He said looking at me a bit annoyed.

- A friend of mine told me she saw you talking with a really pretty girl on the streets, she even sent me a picture. I said while standing up and taking my mobile to show him. Who is this woman you're smiling to? I said trying to the best of my capacity to control myself and holding in my tears.

- It's just a friend. You can't get jealous over a simple friend I talk with on the streets. And why would your friend take a picture of me and send it to you? What are you up to now? Are you spying on me? He said calmly and I couldn't anymore and started crying but cleaned my tears rapidly.

- She just happened to see you and send me a picture because I told her I was waiting for you but you were a bit late today. Who is it? I have never seen this face. Who is this woman? I said nearly begging while heavily breathing.

- I told you, an old friend of mine. School times, do you know my school friends? All my school friends? You don't know all the people that had surrounded me. Please, calm down and let me get home in peace. I am hungry. He said, certainly not willing to handle my jealousy today.

- The food is in the fridge. I said and left the room. I didn't want to make a whole drama about such thing. I really didn't want to! I didn't want to make his days harder and I didn't mean to welcome him home in such a way but God knows my anger was all over me and I couldn't act normally while all these doubts hitting me. Who was she? School? Did he ever have some feelings towards her? Did they continue talking after my friend took this picture? Why was he passing by that place at that time? That's not the way home. Why was he smiling? What were they talking about? Did she invite him to something she should not? Did she see his married's ring? Did he mention me? Why was he talking to her? I was feeling sick. Obviously, I know my jealousy didn't have a concrete base, I knew it wasn't logic! I know I was taking it too far, that's not the problem, I know. I am the problem. Me and my insanity, me and my overthinking, me and my insecurity. Of course, I knew it was not him. Still, I couldn't take it, my heart couldn't take it. Not at that very moment and if I'll get crazy on him right now I wouldn't have forgiven myself because there's no reasonable reason for me to be in that state. Couldn't he talk to other women? Don't I talk to other men myself? He knows, of course, and he doesn't lose his mind to this extent. I got ready to leave the house, I got ready as fast as possible because I didn't want him to stop me. I couldn't be in the same place than him right now. I listened to him opening the refrigerator and closing it, I listen his heavy breathe and his deep sigh and it made me cry even harder, I didn't want him to get tired of me. I listened him opening the fridge one more time and taking out the food, I listened him closing the door of the fridge and walking towards our room. Before he got there I left the bedroom ready to leave the house.

- Wait, where are you going? He asked now truly pissed.

- I'll be back soon. I said and head to the front door of our place.

- No, you are not. He said while holding my arm. Why are you doing this? He said with a disapproval frown.

- Let me go! I said while covering my face. I felt so ridiculous and annoyed. I didn't want to know who she was and all his past with the opposite gender, I couldn't take it, I just... I couldn't bear with it and at the same time, I needed to know it all to keep the composure, even if at the beginning it'd do the exact opposite. 

- Why are you acting like this? I have had a long day, I am really tired. Can you please hold yourself together and calm down? He told me and I remembered he hasn't eaten, I wanted him to eat and I wanted to leave the house. I cleaned my tears and looked at him apparently calmed. He let go of my hand and tried to hug me, I put my hand between us.

- Eat. He didn't insist on the hug and I appreciated it. As I walked to the kitchen, he walked behind me.

- We need to talk. He insisted.

- Eat first. I said because I knew he was hungry, though he'll surely claim his appetite wasn't as earlier because I ruined it, I didn't want him to say that... not now when I was repressing with such insistence my anger.

- Alright. He said and got into the kitchen and looked at me again. 

- Serve yourself. I said and I hated myself for not doing it. I didn't mind to serve him, he used to leave his job later than me and I was happy serving him the food. I waited for him to eat as every day and I was hungry until I got that photography and it made me lose my appetite.

- Have you already eaten? He asked while putting two plates on the table, I could see he was containing his anger too. We've been together for too long for me not to notice when I was taking him to his limits with my behaviors.

- Yes. I lied and he looked at me questioning the veracity of my answer with his eyes. I ran as fast as possible to the door and left the house. He ran after me.

- Where are you going!? He said really mad and I didn't stop running. I wanted to take the car, go to the library or the movies or the park, or anywhere, but I couldn't take the keys, nor the money, nor anything. I just had me and myself. So I didn't stop running with all my strength so that he won't reach me out immediately, but it didn't last even a couple of minutes until he reached me out and hold my arm.

- Why are you acting like this? He said with an agitated breath and I started crying again, out of breath, incredibly tired and super cold on that cold night of November. He tried to push me close to him embracing me, trying to calm me down while I tried to push him away with my both hands made a fist.

- You're... mine. I said giving up on him and letting my arms fall finally. Mine only. I said sobbing. I couldn't tell whether I was madder at that girl that ruined my day by approaching my husband and getting that close to him, or by myself... myself and my way to handle this kind of situations where my husband had not guilt but having married me.

- I am yours. He said calming me down and as he doesn't say it often since he prefers me to say, so it's usually all the way around, I felt my calmness came back to me and my jealousy slipping away. He was mine... He said it himself, he was mine. There was nothing to worry about. He was mine, he is mine, he'll always be mine. I hugged him back and my lips reached his and I closed those lines of him with that kiss, it was a symbolic path. He belonged to me as much as I belonged to him, forever. 

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dBWRCihnWFU

Regrets

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante

- Do you ever regret it? I said looking down at our hold hands and then looking up at our children in the playground... It costs us so much to get there: emotionally, physically, psychologically; everything was a fight, nothing came easily to us except for our connection since the very first time we talked. 

- Why? Do you regret it? He said looking at me and his eyes were asking sincerely, like if he really didn't know... it was amazing, for me, how after so long he could still ask me if I feel or think this and that. I'd fight my biggest fears and climb the highest mountain for him, despite getting hurt on the way, to be able to get to him at the end of the road will always make it worthy for me. 

Maybe it was not him being naive or unaware of my feelings, but me always confusing him. Of course, if we'd consider all the times I've given him mixed signs it's just normal he not being that sure about a clean answer. I am so volatile and changing, I can be laughing and the next second crying and then screaming... He could barely know in advance what was coming, and he was not the kind of guy that would ever get used to that kind of seesaw; still, he was there still trying to handle me and I was still there trying to be more constant, more secure, more down-to-earth, I could never stop feeling I am not what he wants for his life, I know better he would've preferred a different kind of woman in his days therefore it was pretty much a stroke of luck when it comes to me. Unlike me, I mean, I would've fallen for him in any situation, at any time, in any place, because I sincerely love everything about my husband, even if I hate everything about him at the same time. And no one can come and say to me that's not love, because love in itself is ambivalent, saying that I just love him all the time would be a lie, but then saying I hate him all the time would be a lie too. Sometimes I hate him and sometimes I love him, as simple and complicated as that.

Because you know? When we are having good times and he is so playful and likes to joke around with me, I love how he makes fun of me; and then when I am doing something and he's so careful about every single detail... I love how he is able to have everything under control because I am so bad having the control; and when I don't know the exact word for something and he loses a bit his mind over how careless I can be, I can't deny I love how obsessive he seems to me about tiny things; or when the children get some chocolates and I join them instead of stopping them, and he looks at me with that disapproval face so that I smoothly put down the chocolate while asking my children to give me the chocolates since lunch time will come soon, I must say that I love the way he is. Other people may find those small things about him not that likable as I do, but I couldn't care less because those people aren't the ones putting that happiness in my heart, he is. 

But then when he loses his mind over my silence and can't bear with the time I need whether to get the guts or feel calmer, I hate how impatient he can be; and when he is not acknowledging my efforts over this or that matter, I hate how he doesn't seem to tell the differences between us and me haven't gotten that iron will he seems to have all the time; or when I am so excited about something and share it happily with him, I hate how sometimes instead of cheering me up he puts me down with his perspectives... over me being needing to be more careful or more mature or more more more more, more something that I am apparently not in his eyes. I believe I am! Just not as much as him, he is... let's just say it, he is better than me in so many stuff, and I love that he is like that but I just can't be like that, not to that extent and I know because I've tried so many times already. 
But the day I married him I told myself I was never going to ask him to change anything about him, because he is who he is and that's just the way he is and whether I accept him like that or just forget about a life together; but I also told myself, he better accepts me just the way I am, because I can fix things I find not right with me for the sake of us, but I can't change all of me in order to be with him... that'd be annulling myself in order to be with him, and even if for the sake of my love for him I'd be always willing to do it, I knew myself better than that by now and I knew well that wasn't going to work that way... I wanted to be accepted too, to be accepted just for who I am. And guess what? We found a way through our differences because we were sit down at those tables at the park close to our house while looking at our children play and holding hands. Spending our weekend there, simply talking about love, about our love and sure, sometimes we talk about the bills, school, jobs and all those daily life matters that we have to talk, but right now, right there, I believe we were just enjoying ourselves because we couldn't worry all the time about problems, otherwise our life would become a hell, and the last thing I wanted for us was that. Life doesn't need help to bring you down, but you do need help to keep yourself up, so at the most of my capacity, I liked to remember my husband that our love is still there and alive, yes... even after all those years.

- When I get mad at you, like really mad... I said while laughing. I do regret it. But then I calm down and I look at you,  I stop regretting it. I don't know if he liked my answer or not, but I was being just sincere. Still, you're the best decision I've ever taken. I couldn't imagine anyone but you next to me for the rest of my life, and I know sometimes I drive you crazy and I am deeply thankful because you're still here, but I must say you drive me crazy sometimes too and I am thankful for that as well! I said while smiling openly, he could never understand what he was for me. I couldn't understand myself.

- You're cute. He said and embraced me. 

- Do you regret it? I said now crying because his arms had always had something that I can't bear with and make me so small, and I feel so protected and warm... I can't hold in my emotions anymore at that point.

- I don't. He said and I was wondering whether he said it because he was honestly thinking so or just because I was crying and he didn't want to make it worse for me; but I was sure about something, he was sincerely feeling that because you don't bear for so long someone like me, unless you've developed some kind of affection towards this being, I am way too complicated. 

- I love you, Paolo. I said and he hugged me tighter. 

"You're a shiny sunlight during dark days..." (P.G. 2014)

Background music: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HU1l47ZQEyY