Drops of water, drops of blood.

I gave my father a hard time. Not to my mom, nor to my grandma, nor to my brothers, nor to my friends. I gave My father a hard time when you left. 

I put on him your faults and my faults & I vent all my anger and pain on him... To you? What I did to you after our break-up is nothing compared to what I did to him. I broke my father’s heart in pieces, I ripped it out so many times and in some many ways that it reached a point where he couldn’t take it anymore and shed tears over me. I was so insensitive that he almost lost his mind on me. 

I put on him faults that didn’t really belong to him because I needed to get rid of all my anger and sorrow, and the only person willing to bear with it seemed to be him. He was willing to pay for sins that weren't his.

I refused to look at him in the eyes, I kept a distance, I remained cold and absent, and oh dear Lord! God knows well I am my father’s joy! I took it all from me on him for the sake of my pointless revenge. 

I’d like to excuse myself by saying I wasn’t aware of my treatments towards him and certainly at the beginning I wasn’t! But once I became aware nothing changed, nothing but a constant feeling of helpless compassion towards him and growing guilt for me.

Couldn’t I see his efforts for bringing me back to my usual self? Couldn’t I feel his overflowed love towards me? Couldn’t I understand his obvious despair? I did. But nothing stopped me nor took me out from the dark hollow I cave for myself where his entrance wasn’t allowed. Even if unconsciously I couldn’t forgive him for not having taught me how to keep you, I couldn’t forgive him his lack of support toward us, I couldn’t forgive his silence over our separation; I couldn’t forgive his insensitivity and as a result, I became insensitive myself towards him. 

I had him telling me he feels sorry for our decision, despite knowing how hard it was for him to let me go and while looking straight into his eyes and with a broken voice I told him he could never understand how hard it was for me losing you and how even after about a year you continued aching deep inside of me. I couldn’t have been less insensitive to him than what you were toward me. And as noble and sweet my father is, he just endured my blameable behaviors towards him for more than a year. 
Has he forgiven all that I did to him out of rage? Till today he keeps on doing anything that would be good for me even if it’s heartbreaking for him, so I’d say he doesn’t even count my faults with him... Do I forgive myself? I understand my reasons and I comfort my conscience with a bunch of explanations that will never justify how horrible I was towards the only man in the whole world that would give until his very last drop of blood for me. 

And as ridiculous as it sounds, you’d continue making fun of my feelings while claiming it’s nothing but a whim. Do I forgive you for your treatments towards me? That relentless coldness and such despicable harshness? As my father and I are like two drops of water, till today and despite my mixed feelings, I’d give until the very last drop of my now-wrecked-blood for you.

Kind people and sweets.

I saw her in the back door of the store, she was going outside and I just followed her without considering my actions could appear threatening to a young woman all alone.

I stopped myself right in the door and I saw her lying down against the wall while looking to the street that was under the bridge, she was about to smoke. As soon as she tried she choked, whether it was her first time or she was having a bad smoking day.

- Are you alright? I said while getting close to her and she just throws a really threatening look at me... I stopped right away, preventing myself from getting any closer. I wonder if she noticed it herself and if she actually meant to, or if I was being oversensitive since I've been wanting to approach her for a long time.

- I am fine, thanks. She said and that look disappeared from her face immediately while she took her hand to her breast like recovering her breath and checking on her own heart's rhythm.

- Sorry. I said without even thinking. I just wanted to help. I said in an apologetic tone and I guess she noticed because she smiled shyly at me and my heartbeat sped up.

- It's alright. It's just my first-time smo... trying to smoke, and it didn't actually work. So I was right about the first option, it's her first time. 

- I am sorry. I said again asking myself why was I apologizing so much.

- It's not your fault that this tastes so bad, nor the fact that it smells terrible... It's not even your fault the reason why I am doing it. She said getting really down and looking at the floor. My heartbeat slowed down as her voice did with each word.

- Why did you do it? I asked her without taking my eyes away from her and I wonder who was this woman, turning me into a completely unknown version of myself.

- You're quite direct, aren't you? Also curious. She said and giggled. I was just happy to be able to get that from her, as small as it was, as perfect as it seemed to me. I am just trying to cope with the pain. Some people recommended me drugs and alcohol; honestly, I held in for a long time and finally decided to give it a try. Alcohol wouldn't work, I am not even able to drink half a glass actually and it tastes horrible so I have no idea about how people even do it. I thought maybe smoking would make it, but I couldn't have been more wrong... She said and a tear rolled over her cheek. Oh, so sorry. She said while cleaning it.

- I am sorry I touched such a topic carelessly. I said in an attempt to come back to my real self and be more connected with her emotions instead than mine.

- Imagine if talking about vices is a "delicate topic", nobody would bring it up always so normally. It's not your fault again... It's me, I am trying to handle my own poisons. I am stuck with the worst one that by attacking my heart has found a way to spread out all over my being. I put the dagger in my breast, not you; there's nothing to be forgiven for. She said and I was nearly speechless.

- Are you a writer? I asked astonished. And she looked at me hesitantly.

- Would that diminish the importance of my words? She asked with a cunning tone.

- Then you are a writer. I said and looked somewhere else not wanting to fall again for the natural charm she laughed for real this time, and my heart betrayed me one more time, of course.

- How unfair! She said and I felt incredibly proud to be able to change her mood... I felt glorious for making her happy while wondering if I could give myself the credit for real. Still, that wasn't unfair, unfair was her being so charming and shaking my heart in such a way constantly.

- You should've warned me you speak so nicely so that I won't get shocked by your words and think what a deep soul you have! I said jokingly and we laughed together.

- I have a deep soul, despite the fact of me being a wri... I write, I don't know if I can call myself a writer though. Anyways, those were my honest thoughts and feelings. She said seriously. Thanks for the nice conversation, you've made it more bearable today. I guess I don't really need drugs and so, I'll stick to kind people and sweets. She said smiling now and while I was trying to recover my breath, she left. And I wonder if she left all alone as I found her or with my heart among her hands.

Honesty

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

Probably it's about being honest with oneself... but being honest with oneself isn't always easy, specially if you yourself aren't aware of it, and it doesn't matter the rest noticing because as long as you don't, such truth just won't come into your conscious mind and people will remain crazy and unfair only to your eyes. And how hard is to know yourself! To accept yourself! To feel yourself without restrictions...

Picture and writing by Madelaine Bustamante

On daily basis

- Are you ready? Elena asked him.

- Are you seriously asking me? You should be asking yourself instead. James said and laughed.

- In fact, I was asking myself. Elena answered and they both laughed.

- Let's go then? He asked sweetly.

- Sure. Remind me why I am doing this? Elena said a bit scared and James laughed.

- Well, you said you wanted us to run together. James answered.

- Yes, but you're there, I am here. It's not the same... She said a bit down now.

- I wish to be there but I can't right now and you can't come neither, then? Should we run or are we going to leave it here? He asked.

- Let's do it. She said trying to regain her enthusiasm. Run! She screamed and he laughed over how loud she can be and how volatile she was. He wasn't the impulsive type and he wasn't really pleased with how impulsive she was sometimes, but right now she seemed so cute to him.

She was not the sporty type instead, and any kind of exercise wasn't among her favorite activities but since it was one of the activities he regularly does, she wanted to join, even through the distance.

They just started and she was already tired, he seemed to be fine instead. He was laughing from time to time and she didn't want to waste breathe to ask, but she inferred it had a lot to do with her tired respiration. Also even if she was extremely tired she was really happy to listen to him so early in the morning, especially to listen to him laughing... people wouldn't know how much of a miracle that was sometimes. She was crazily in love with him, and she was willing to do anything to spend some more time with him, wasn't he always busy during the day? Having him at that time was glorious. 

When the alarm sounded announcing they have been running for forty-five minutes, she stopped straight and sat down on the closest bench she found. And he laughed out loud, at least "loud" compared to his usual laugh.

- Tired? He asked even if he knew the answer in advance. James simply loved to play around with her.

- We finished! She screamed really loud while throwing a laugh... that kind of laugh that sounds pretty much like a weeping at the end of the day, and he just kept on laughing.

- I still can't believe you were the one suggesting this and now you seem so relieved over this finishing. I have enjoyed a lot running with you instead. He said trying to cheer her up.

- I loved it! It was the best run of my life! And God knows better I hate running! But I loved it. She said still recovering herself and he laughed a bit.

- Then why do you sound so... He couldn't finish his phrase cause she couldn't hold it in and interrupted him.

- I just wanted to spend more time with you! I hate running! But if you run from time to time and I know I should run I prefer to do it with you, and believe me when I said this has been my best run ever cause even when you were laughing over how tired I am, I was enjoying the very sound of your laugh and your breath and any other sound coming from your sides such as the cars or the music coming from some places. Even when you're so far, I felt you so close and I'm willing to run daily as long as I can feel so! She said and she felt her face burning. Of course her declarations of love always seemed to be a bit dramatic and expressing her feelings so bluntly was still a bit embarrassing; she just didn't have enough air nor time nor anything to say it in any other way where she could sound "less in love", she was wondering how other couples do to sound so rational... even him! How in the world could he sound so rational and calm when she was always overwhelmed with all those feelings hitting all the walls of her heart.

- So, do you want us to shower first or eating? He asked kindly and she smiled over the thought of eating with him. Showering was not an option right now.

- Food! She said and he laughed again. 

- Someone is really hungry here. He said and she laughed.

- I am not that hungry! I just don't want us to hang up and we can't be on call while I am following my one-hour-shower-ritual, especially cause you only take fifteen minutes if not less and we'll be completely disconnected. Instead, we can eat together and go on video call now! She said excited and he laughed over her sweetness.

- What will you eat? James asked.

- Oh, we won't be eating the same indeed since I am taking breakfast but you're taking lunch. But I will eat whatever you tell me! Elena said trying to be pleasant with him.

- What does your diet say? He asked trying to point out that it's not about what he wishes her to eat but what she's supposed to it.

- Oh... Eggs with cheese and green tea. She said disappointed on herself since there was nothing much she could do to please him.

- That's my good girl. Now you don't even need to check, you've memorized. I think I will eat some cauliflower, hmm... with tuna maybe. He said playfully and she couldn't contain her emotion again.

- Yes! That's perfect! Yes! Tuna with cauliflower sounds awesome! As soon as she noticed her over-reaction, she tried slowing it down. And you love cauliflower, so it sounds like a perfect decision.

- And your lunch for today should be cauliflower and tuna according to your diet if I don't remember wrong. He said and her heart burst out in emotion again while thinking how cute it was of him to remember and how they were certainly going lunch the same thing today and how awesome he was and how much she loved him and how badly she wished him to be there.

- Let's open the cam! She said excited and he laughed while thinking how could it be possible she manage to have all those emotions running one after another, which such intensity and with such speed, he wondered if she wasn't just tired of running but also cause of that jumping heart of hers. When he saw her, his heart got a bit moved as well... She was sincerely happy to see him as usual, she was completely red and he couldn't know if whether because of the run or because of all the things she said to him. The morning seemed cold on her side but she appeared as warm as usual, and for a minute his desires to be there overwhelmed him.

- You are as beautiful as usual! And when you run you look awesome too! And I love you! And I want to marry you! And I miss you! And I want to eat with you now, yes! But again all her energy brought him back to earth and he wondered if he could keep the rhythm when he was with her, but so far they were together for about three years, without considering the time out,  and she always seemed to be just fine with his pace. He was wondering whether she was okay for real with his rhythm or just overdoing herself while appearing happy and serene as she has done before.

- You look beautiful, cutie. She just looked to another side when he said so and a tear rolled over her face. Are you okay? He asked worriedly.

- I am just so happy to see you and be able to spend this time with you. Moments like this make me feel everything is worthy... moments like this give me strength and I feel like fighting against wind and storm. I can't wait for our papers to be done so that you can come. I love you so much. She said and he recovered his peace. She seemed to be fine, she seemed to be happy and calm for now and that's all he needed to go on.

- Mangiamo adesso? He asked in Italian just to see her lose her mind again.

- Sì amore mio! She said while opening the door of her house at the same time than him... and even that was a reason for her to have an open and bright smile, and how much he used to love that smile of hers! That smile of hers that would now reflect on him.