Forever you

- Great! Now I am having hallucinations! For God's sake, my mental sanity was the only thing left for me, how can this be happening? I said aloud and I couldn't believe I was looking at him. It seemed so real... But of course, it was not real. He wouldn't travel this long, he has no reason to do it and he'd never do it, at least not for me. I looked around carefully trying to see if my cruel imagination would invite any girl to his presence but my imaginary him seemed to be alone. I breathed calmly again.

- Why do I even care!? I said annoyed with myself while trying to come back to my book, but seriously, was that him? He could not say I am following him around, I mean hello! I live here and it's the first time I ever see him, but it's him for real? Or maybe a guy that looks a lot like him? Suddenly another boy appeared up calling his name and oh God, I felt dizzy. 

There I was trying my best to hide my face in my book so that I wouldn't be caught, but why was I hiding? Even if I was not stalking him it's true my guilty conscious would remind me of all the insanity I made him go through. And my insanity was just back because there I was thinking about how to move to another table in order to get a bit closer and be able to listen to the conversation, but why should I listen to the conversation!? He wasn't my business anymore, at least that's what he said to me, didn't he? Why would I care if we were walking in the very same city? I mean, not a big deal. I got done with myself so I started packing up my stuff; that was not a place to study anymore, at least not with him around, I could not focus and of course nobody but me would understand that cause even if he'd get to see me he would not care, not even a tiny bit about my presence. I was so lost in my own thoughts that I didn't listen to the steps coming towards me.

- Excuse me. The guy that was next to him was now right in front of me, and this bad habit of opening my mouth when I am too surprised betrayed me cause I was in deep shock. It took me a great amount of will to get back to my senses and be able to say a word.

- Yes? I said with a tiny voice and I was praying to God that you wouldn't come too because my heart was already beating at a speed I couldn't control. Whether a tachycardia would overcome me or I would've started screaming or running to let the anxiety and the excitement go away, but why? Why couldn't I just react like a normal person? Maybe this is why you left me, maybe the reasons you claimed were not the real ones and even yourself did not know that you left me because of how weird I am, because I am not able to take it easy, because I get overexcited like a child, because I barely control my emotions, because, because, because... and there was your friend right in front of me.

- My friend there says he knows you. He said pointing out to the table where you both were sit down but when I looked in the direction his finger was pointing you were not there anymore, I got to see your back while you were walking away though and followed you with my eyes while blushing, because I was looking at you shamelessly, even if I didn't have gotten the guts to watch you right in the face, maybe seeing your back was a gift and was better than being able to see you closer. Also, I couldn't believe you were so tall. Why were you ever scared of me? Have you ever stop yourself to think the "peanut size" I have?  

- There's no one there. I said even when I knew he meant you. Excuse me, I was leaving. I said and my shaking hand said way too much. See? I haven't changed a tiny bit in all these years, my voice get shaken, I get over excited, I shake, I blush, yes... it's everything still in the packet and I don't know why I don't seem to be able to control it, especially when it comes to you. I still felt like flying and I am sure even the butterflies would have come to my stomach if you would've talked to me! Was I a "lost cause" for real? Can please someone else come and save me from my own feelings? 

Your friend just moved aside and I started walking, I thought about calling a taxi in order to run away from everything, but at the same time, the slightest hope was still stored in my heart prohibiting me to go in such way because what if you try talking to me? What if you turn around? What if? What if? What if? Seriously my heart couldn't take such amount of emotions, it reminded me of when I fell for you and all those lovely emotions you used to bring me; but now it was a bit different, even if I was happy to see you, even if I was still holding onto the last pieces of hope, even if I continue to think of you only, everything was bittersweet because it was not only the perfect you coming to my mind, but the "you with your problems", the "you with the secrets", the "you with the lack of love", the "you that kept on hurting me along the relationship" even when I know better you never meant to. 
But see? As the years pass and I grow older, I meet more people and it's true when you used to say that not every single girl would stand that kind of relationship due to your situation as I was standing; but it's also true there's no boy I have gotten really interested in after you, maybe the "you with your problems", the "you with your secrets", the "you with lack of love" was okay because I continue thinking I could help to solve those problems, solve those secrets disguised as mysteries, turn that almost absent love in bright and clean love... but I didn't have time enough to prove myself, and I didn't have strength enough back them to wait for it. 
Certainly, I'd come back to you running, because it's still you, only you and no one else but you. Even if for you have never been really me... Maybe that's why I always took you just the way you are while you kept on trying to change my natural self into your ideal self, into that ideal girl of your dreams I am not and will never be.

Photography by Madelaine Bustamante