Be right back

- Just go. He said holding his daughter in his right arm while standing in the lobby next to his wife who had a pink and black carry-on bag with her.

- I can't do this... It's too much for me. She said with a worried expression.

- Come on. You have wanted this forever. You can finally talk about your work and get more people interested in your research. Wasn't that what you were waiting for? He asked trying to pursue her and pointing out the front door with his left arm.

- Yes, but not like this! I can't leave my family for a whole week, this makes no sense! I just can not. Also Canada? Why so far? I can barely stand to go to another city... I mean, look at her, she's so little... she can't make it without her mom. She said while looking tenderly to the baby girl that was comfortably laid down on her father's shoulder. 
Suddenly a toddler showed up and raised his arms right in front of her like asking to be held. - Oh, my love! She said and held him immediately.

- Luna, I can handle it. I will take care of both well, don't worry. He said while trying to hold the toddler in his left arm, but the big baby boy pressed himself against his mother breast and put his little arms around her neck like saying he won't let her go.

- Can you really? She asked in anguish while kissing her son's hair and caressing softly his little back.

- Yes, I am sure. I am their father! Of course I know how to take care of my kids. He said with an annoyed tone of voice and she felt unease since now her husband seemed to start to get mad.

- You know I trust you, my love; I am just worried. She said while giving him a small kiss and looked at him right in the eyes like trying to tell him without saying anything else how hard that was for her. He just hugged her and she felt comforted after tasting that piece of heaven that happened to be his arms even after all these years together. Then he let go of her and smiled sweetly.

- Go, love. We will be fine. He said trying to calm her down when a light meow sounded in the background and they both laughed.

- Don't forget to feed him! She said smiling openly.

- I won't. Good luck, pretty. Her husband said and she finally put her son on the floor while kissing him and hugging him tightly.
- It's alright honey, mommy will be right back. Play with daddy. She said looking at the tons of games scattered all around the living room and she picked up a lego piece that was near her and gave it to her son, the child seemed to be happy and started picking up the rest of pieces.
- I love you. She said holding her husband hand and finally got the courage to leave the house.

Photo by Madelaine Bustamante

She couldn't even remember the last time she had to be without her kids, even when they were so little, she felt she had been a mother and wife for all her life. She couldn't even remember the last time she traveled without her husband. He wasn't only her husband but her travel partner, her best friend, and her most important supporter. He couldn't imagine what would have been her life without him and that tenacity of his that would pull them together even in the hardest times. She was certainly like the wind, always going from one place to another, not just in life but in her decisions in general; but he has always been her firm pillar that wouldn't let the relationship go down and she was deeply thankful with him. She couldn't admire her husband more than what she did.
She was happy since her paper got such amazing acceptance in the field, but the idea of leaving her family now seemed surreal for her; working for the last couple on months since home in her research and her new book made her forget she ever worked outside of home, after all, she was taking her deserved vacations from the University's teachings since she got birth her second child. 
She was already missing her family and feeling like the most blessed woman in the world at the same time by thinking she had such a supportive and trustworthy husband, who was always there for her. He wasn't just a lovely husband but an amazing father, she couldn't deny his shortcomings such as his strong character that could be a pain in the neck at times; but still he'd always think her husband was the best choice and her kids were part of the package, but he was certainly her biggest joy and she was nothing but amazed to have been gifted with such beautiful family by God.

The broken

And for some strange reason, I couldn't write anymore... it felt like the words were stuck in my neck, in my fingers, about to go out but never actually doing it. I just thought about him and his perfect image hit me with such strength that I thought for a second that he really wanted to destroy me.

- What is that you want to ask? He asked calmly and I seriously wanted to get crazy on him. I wanted to start breaking everything in the house if we would've had a house; I wanted to know if all that was worth, all the pain, the problems, the discussions. I wanted him to assure me that all that I was giving up for him was worthy because he loved me, and if not then I wanted to know if our relationship was falling and if it wasn't just me overthinking.

But I was just too afraid to ask: "Do you still love me?", "Have you ever loved me?", "What am I for you?" Those questions that I asked him in one or another way many times before and always seemed to get the wrong answers; and for the first time ever I was too tired to get along with his silence, with his secrets, with his mystery, I was drained. There was the man whom I was offering my whole life but I wasn't sure whether he even loved me.

- You're not ready for this. I am not ready for this. I answered begging to the sky for him not to insist, not to ask again, not to break my heart in such a cruel way; because this was the last time I'd allow him such imprudence, if he'd insisted, I'd had to let him go even if I wasn't ready to do so.

- I am ready for anything, just ask me. He said and I really wished he was ready for the question I was going to make because my heart was hanging by a thread.

- Do you love me? I felt how all my pride fell to the floor because I never listened to that from him but had to ask myself; I felt my heart getting broken into thousands and thousands of pieces because his silence said it all; I felt my world falling apart because I'd built up my whole life around him because he meant everything... absolutely everything to me; but if he wasn't loving me at that point, there was nothing that could ever make him love me. I already gave him all I could, there was nothing left for me to offer him so that he could love me.

- Let's talk tomorrow. That was his answer and it hit me like a bucket of cold water, no... it was more like snowballs hitting me strongly on a winter day in the coldest place in the world anyone can imagine. I lost it all after that.

After that everything changed... I just felt how in a matter of seconds my depression got deeper in such a way that was scary but I didn't have the guts to tell him why. I didn't want to pressure his feelings on me, but I also didn't want to go on in a relationship with someone that doesn't love me, nevertheless, I couldn't let him go. I didn't want to give up on him but by going against the waves I was hurting myself deeply. 
I started living in hell day after day, even when life was hell since a long time ago don't ask me how it suddenly became just worse; the freshwater that he was throwing in my days suddenly stopped refreshing me. And even when I didn't mean to, my pain spread so much that it reached him.

The days passed by and I felt I was turning into a real danger to myself, this whole situation was out of my hands and I just needed it to stop. Whether emotionally or physically I was being killed by my own hand.

- What can I do? What do you want me to do? He asked insistently and I felt over and over again how the words refused to pop up, how they hid inside my heart preventing another homicide; instead, he was also struggling because of my silence.

- Nothing, really. I couldn't ask him to love me... it was useless.

- I'll do whatever you ask me to, I put my life in your hands. He said so sweetly but his words sounded like a lie. Why would someone that doesn't love me offer me such a huge thing as his own life? Whether he loved me but couldn't acknowledge it, or I was missing a point and couldn't get to it unless he himself would explain it to me. There was something wrong in all that I couldn't tell exactly what was it... 
I was just making him unhappier, making myself unhappy, making us unhappy, until one day he decided it was enough and throw me away expecting me to go back crawling to him... not keeping in mind that I didn't even have the strength to crawl back then. Even with all the love stored in my heart for him, I didn't have the power to go through all our turbulences while knowing I wasn't being loved. I could take anything from him, except for him not feeling me at all.

I was just way too broken to make anything right... but that he couldn't see it. He was way too broken to make anything right at that very moment as well... but I just couldn't see it.

(Photo and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante)
How does a romantic fall out of love?

The concert.

Tasnim was deeply sleep when a hit made the car shake waking her up.

- What...? She said pushing away the hat from her face and opening her eyes, annoyed by the sunlight.

- We ran out of gas! Agatha said in despair while moving her hands and arms hysterically.

- Don't we have more? Nicoletta asked putting down her purple sunglasses and playing with her dark hair with the other one; while looking to Carlos directly in the eyes. 

- Actually no... Her boyfriend looked at her with a "I am sorry" face.

- Are you kidding me? Tasnim said sitting down immediately and started fixing her black veil. 

- No, Tasi. I thought we were going to travel three hours only so the gas was more than enough, then you girls changed plans this morning and I totally forgot.

- We're going to die... I am going to pray my last Hail Mary's. Agatha said. Nobody could believe that blondie was devoted and dedicated catholic, her blue and apparently seductive eyes due to the light make up would have never let you know it though.

- Are you serious? I have to pray too then. I need some water to wash myself and I need my carpet and... I am lost. Why didn't I bring anything with me? The girl in veil asked now looking really concerned to Aga. Nila and Carlos bursted in laughs. The girls looked at them immediately profoundly indignant.

- I didn't want to come! I told you that concert has nothing to do with me! Tasnim screamed.

- But you said you wanted to see the city... Also we were going to hang out around before the concert and you said you were going to meet the mosque there. You were happy about coming! Nicoletta said now a bit annoyed now while thinking about what to do and looked at Carlos who was in his phone. Agatha was compulsively reciting her Ave Maria's and Tasnim started crying.

- We're half way. Carlos said looking at Agatha. I could asked Romeo to come and pick us, but I don't know if we'll have any time to tour before the concert. Sorry Tas. He said turning around in his sit giving and apologizing look to her, while she cleared up her tears.

- Thank God. Tasi said. It's okay Carlos, thanks. She said now calm.

- Thank God indeed. Agatha said smiling and Nicoletta started laughing.

- Thank you, my love. I'd be lost without you. Nicoletta said to Carlos and pecked him. Can someone again remind me why in the world did I bring my boyfriend for this insane trip with my crazy friends? He could be at home watching sports and not losing his mind with three babies! She said joyfully and everybody laughed.

- Thanks, Carlos! Tasnim and Agatha said at the same time and kept on laughing.

- But seriously, Tasi, a carpet? Wash yourself? In the middle of nothing? Do you really take a shower and a carpet everywhere? I mean, I have seen you prayed in your extra sweater or that extra veil you usually take with you, but... Nila asked skeptical.

- To pray is always good. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed.

- It is! Tasnim answered smiling and holding Aga's hand. Other girls take a small carpet on their bags usually, I just don't like to carry heavy things with me. I mean I already carry my laptop and my drawing notebook and my notebook and a bunch of things more... But yes, during kind of long trips I tell myself better to be ready. Tasnim said and sighed.

- Will he be there? Agatha asked.

- Will he!? Nicoletta asked turning around and looking to Tasnim alarmed. Carlos left the car to talk on the phone.

- I don't know... Tasnim answered embarrassed. I saw him on the break time yesterday but he was talking with his friends so I couldn't approach him... Also I didn't have any excuse to do it. She said now bitting her thumb nail and pretty much covering her whole mouth.

- Oh my! Agatha said disappointed. You should just invite him to the mosque you attend! He'll surely go! He seems really nice and easy-going from a far. 

- Maybe he will say yes... Or maybe not. In any case, you could approach him with any excuse! Nicoletta said frustrated.

- Last time I approached him asking if she knows Luisa because I saw them talking and I was needing to reach her, he gave me her number; before that I asked him if he knew what metro should I take to get to my aunt's home since he knows better this city; and before that I asked him what classes he took this semester! I can't continue doing it! He'll notice if I don't appear up with a proper question so that he won't notice! I can't be like "Hey, Jhon! Would you like to go to the mosque today with me?" or "Hey! My friends told me about this awesome movie, want to go to the movies?" Seriously girls! Are you trying to take me to my grave?! Tasnim said and started laughing and so did her friends.

- But you could just... Agatha said before getting interrupted.

- Of course because whenever you see Mateo at the church you walk right to him and start talking about the weather. Tasnim said ironically. Mateo seems like a really nice guy too.

- It actually works. Nicoletta said. My psychologist told me to do it, to talk to people about whatever, so when I met Carlos I didn't know what to talk about, but I didn't want to lose the chance of getting to know the first guy I have come to like after Francis. So I went to him and told him "I think today is going to rain, did you bring an umbrella?" And he laughed. That's how everything started.

- Well, Carlos is a sweetheart! John isn't precisely "sweet", I mean, he is cute but... not like cute-sweet, just cute like a child, but I don't know... Tasnim said concerned.

- You don't go to the church to talk with boys... Agatha said a bit annoyed and laughed.

- True. Tasnim said.

- Are you going to his house then, so that you could approach him? Also, you're in that catechesis thing on saturdays and he goes there too; you guys don't give those classes at the church but your sister' school, then? Nicoletta said trying to motivate her and Carlos got into the car again. The girls stayed in absolute silence.
- True. Tasnim said again.

- Scary... What were you girls talking about? Carlos said and everybody in the car started laughing. Romeo is on his way. We may have one hour to hang around and then we can attend the concert. By the way Tasnim, he told me he's coming with a friend of yours... Mateo I think he said. The girls were in shock. That Mateo isn't going to the concert so you could hang around with him in the meantime, the concert won't last more than a couple of hours and this guy knows well the town because his family lives here. Tasnim started laughing.

- God's will. Agatha said and Tasnim laughed even harder and Nicoletta joined.

- You girls have definitely lost it. As long as you don't drag my girlfriend with you, I am fine. He said intertwining his fingers with Nila's, they looked at each other smiling in complicity.