Some kind of love letter for you

Dear you,

    This is a love letter. I told you in advance because I'm a bit excited, I've forgotten the last time I wrote you a real love letter; during all this time apart I've written anything but a love letter... it's not like a love letter would fix anything, but I'll like to write something sweet. Don't worry, I won't send it to you, so that you won't get disturbed; this is between your imaginary presence and me, about us.

    It's a bit depressing knowing I am writting a letter I'll never send because the addressee is done with me and doesn't want to get a word from me, but somehow it's even sadder not allowing me to express myself when it's all I can do freely. This probably wouldn't make sense to you, since it doesn't really aim to anything, but talking about purposes... it lets me be, it helps me to handle your absence. I've tried it before and it doesn't really help that much, but it's better than nothing.

    Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and understand you a bit more, you surely believe I don't understand anything about you, not even now; but believe me if I say that the cultural differences make a lot and I am not sure about you being able to find all of them in a simple book as the one I sent you. Anyways, after all this time apart, where I've dedicated so much of time to the study of your nation, culture, costumes, language and so, I can see many times it was just us not being able to communicate properly cause some things that were normal here, aren't normal at all there & viceversa; and I am not talking about my personal particularities nor yours, but general ones due to the places were we raised in. But we can't go back in time, chances don't pass twice in life, no matter how much you beg and pledge for them to come back.
    I wonder if you're forgetting me, maybe I am way too egoistic wishing for you to remember all those things about me that can only hurt you now; I say it because those same things only hurt me now in any case. It's such a pity I never got the opportunity to see directly to your eyes, more than sad eyes, they are your eyes and for that single fact I'd love to see them... I never saw you smiling, nor I listened you laughing, isn't it such a waste? I'd pay to see and hear that, at least once in my life... You aren't dead still that's an impossible wish, how unlucky!
    Last time we talked you said you remember clearly the mood of all our last conversations and I remember that too; but, don't you remember our good times? We had so many... even if not in the last months, we had so many good times... it's just very painful to recall them because they seem so far away, almost unreachable but they're right there... maybe I have better memories since you were so sweet... I know you said I'm sweet too, but I don't see my sweetness reaching your level, you were just so sweet to me. So how in the world can I possibly forget you? How...?
    I remember the day you told your mom about me, even if it ended up badly, I was so excited about you telling YOUR MOM that day, telling her about me! Everything felt so real... I remember the first and last time we went on call, it was a bad experience for you since I couldn't get to control myself, but putting aside the fact of you kind of scolding me, I was so happy to finally be able to listen your voice and how I made you say that "purrr", that was one of the sweetest things in the whole universe! I remember you waving your hands "goodbye" to me because I asked you to, how can't that be considered one of the cutest things an human being can do? Even if I didn't see you doing it, I trust your word completely and if you say you did it, then you did, my love. I remember you staying awake until late for me... you may think I didn't value it because at the end I said you did nothing for me, but I was just hurt and those words don't really count, I truly valued those effort of yours, especially when you use to try to go to sleep but I asked you to stay longer and longer and longer and you stayed! Until your eyes couldn't bear it anymore and used to close themselves cause you were just so sleepy. Then? Can you admit you're a sweetheart? Because you are. I remember you making fun of me... in so many ways, and I miss that; and even if you making fun of my jealousy isn't something I exactly "miss", it is something I can appreciate by now, I hope you may understand me if I just couldn't take, can't take and will never be able to take jokes about you with other women, that's just not allowed unless you want to disturb me. I remember those videos you made for me showing me the places around you... I remember so much...
    You wouldn't believe me if I tell you you get me over and over again, in so many ways; I could fall in love with you every brand new day, I actually do... it's a shame me not being able to cause that on you... not to be able to make you like me every new day... Even in your absence, I fall for you every single day, even the days I deny it! It's funny because the days I deny it, I just say that “I hate you”, but by saying that it's pretty obvious I still love you... I couldn't hate someone I don't love in first place. I wonder when will come a time where the memories wouldn't be enough... because that day seems so far and even if some days you hurt less, there are moments like now, where you still hurt so much, but so much... that I feel like getting crazy.
     Do you know? I want to learn maths now, would you still like to teach me? I always find an excuse to text you, even if the excuses have always a solid base, still excuses to text you somehow; but obviously they don't fool you at all and I have reached a point, where I can't continue pretending I don't get your message about you wanting me to disappear from your life, but... I just, already, feel myself so out of your life... I can't believe it'll come a time when you'll forget about me... I've read and heard and watched that you never forget your first love, also that the things with your first love never really work out, but if so many people have gotten it, why couldn't I be among the ones that got it? Why couldn't I stay with you forever? Why my love wasn't enough to keep us on going? I miss us so much... but I understand that you don't...
    I'm sorry I couldn't be your strength back in time... I'm sorry it took me so long to get myself together and regained the strength necessary to fight for us both... I don't know if I am asking forgiveness to you or myself right now... all I know is that I feel sorry for it because somehow it broke us... But... did you know? I loved you... yes, in past tense; I love you, in present tense; and I will love you... even if you may not believe it, in future tense... I didn't make a mistake by loving you, my mistake was loving you wrongly, you deserved a better kind of love and back then I couldn't offer it to you while being in such state... And now I can't give it to you because you wouldn't allow me but still I offer it to you as always, handed on a gold plate, I offer it to you with open arms, I offer it to you sincerely... I offer it to you because there is no one but you that I could offer it to, because there is no one but you I'd want to give it to. I love you, so much... so much...

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

    

Cold House. (1.3. Together separated)

“It is that we are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love.” (Freud, 2002) 

She was looking at him, he could swear she is just so cute when she looks at him in such way, with clear curiosity, like a child.
— "What is that?" She asked him.
— "What?" He said, pretending not to know.
— "That." She said pointing out his notebook.
— "This, you mean?" He said while getting closer to her and showing her the equation.

— "Yes." She said and she didn't move, whether she was allowing him to get closer for the first time ever or she was so into it that she couldn't even notice his proximity, he couldn't know.
— "It's an equation." He said serious and she did a pout, he couldn't even say how adorable it was but it was just a second; it didn't last anymore than a second, just enough for him to see it.
— "I am not that silly. I knew that... What I want to know is if it has some kind of special meaning. I have seen it before, in tattoes and so on. Seems like it means something." She said looking at him.

— "It's Dirac's equation." He said, absorbed in her glance. She barely looks at him in the eyes, especially being this close to him so he was fascinated.
— "Thanks." She said and he could noticed she was annoyed. She started moving and he knew he had to say something before she stands up, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to enjoy one more minute next to her.
— "Wait!" He said aloud, nearly screaming and she leaped a little.

— "You scared me." She said disconcerted while looking at him.
— "Dirac's equation." He answer breathless, then he divert his look trying to focus on his own speech. "Entangled, you know? Quantum entanglement, it says that two systems that have been entangled will always influenced in each other even if separated." He said and he couldn't believe her level of sensitivity, because when he looked at her again she seemed to be close to tears.

— "It's beautiful." It was all she said. 

— "Did I say something wrong?" He asked, a bit disturbed.

— "No, you just described us perfectly... You're always asking me about him, this equation match us perfectly. See? He and I may be separated, but we'll always be together, we're together separated; he'll always be part of me and I hope to be part of him; there will always be things about him influencing my life, as I hope there will be things, even if few, about me influencing his. It's beautiful." She said crying for real now with some kind of sad happiness.

— "I see." He said, asking himself if it was worthy to keep on trying with her, giving up didn't seem to be something reasonable, but trying a move on a soul who was far away from a long time ago, and even embraced in some other's man soul, didn't seem the most intelligent move. "Do you still love him that much?" He asked hurt in advanced for her answer.

— "With all my heart. He's the love of my soul." She said and he noticed the man before him was not around physically but never left spiritually and how admirable that was; of course, it was understanding. For a girl as amazing as her to be caught up, only an awesome boy could've done it and him, whoever he was, should be incredibly awesome.

 — "I hope you can meet him again and I hope this time you both will be together forever. You deserve to be happy and I guess he's the only one allowed to bring back the warmness to this place." He said and for the first time ever, he saw the brightest smile over her face, she was undoubtedly in love. 

— "No one else but him." She answered pleased.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]
[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]

Reference:
Freud, S. (2002). Civilization and Its Discontents. London, United Kingdom: Penguin.

The best gift

— Mom, hurry up! Hurry up! Daddy is coming! Mom, daddy said he is on the way when you called him! Mom, hurry up! My daughter insisted while pulling my hand trying to take me, tirelessly, to the the living room.
— Flavia! Calm down! Your father wants a good cake, if you don't let me decorate it properly he can get sad! I said and she stopped right away.
— Really? I don't want daddy to be sad on his birthday... She said with teary eyes and I couldn't bother her anymore.
— Oh, my princess, no. The cake is just fine, I almost finish. Also your father will be the happiest with that adorable drawing you did all the day long for him. He is going to be happy to know you helped so much with it. I said smiling and giving her a fast hug because I was running out of time. I came back to the cake and checked on the food so that he'll be suprised with my new recipe.

— Cutie. You said lowly and I woke up slowly but a bit surprised looking the whole room. — Good morning. You said with a little smile like every morning. I didn't use to stayed asleep on a work's day, but having such a dream I don't think I wanted to wake up, not even if I was unconcious.

— What in the world have you done!? I said hysterically opening my eyes and touching my head in dramatic frustration.

— What? You said a bit scared and I couldn't help but think you eyes were beautiful, are beautiful and will always be beautiful... but since we got married they seemed to be brighter, I don't know whether it was my imagination and my elevated ego or if my love was truly making a difference in your life. I frankly can't believe such perfection right in front of me... your hair, your forehead, your eyes, your nose, your lips, even your beard! I wonder if you ever saw me with even half of the admiration I always see you. And every single day by your side is a new miracle. Of course we've had good days and very bad ones, but today had to be a good one yes or yes.
— I was dreaming about our daughter! I swear she was as lovely as you! You can't imagine! She looked like a tiny you! Oh my God! She was gorgeous! Oh my God, you can't imagine! It was your birthday, my love! And we made a cake for you and she was hurrying me up to get everything ready cause you were coming home soon! She looked so excited to see you! I was so happy! You were going to be happy! I said excited and you were already laughing. How could it be possible each time I tell you something important about our future you'd laugh in such way that drives me deeper and deeper in love with you. I just stared at you, thankful to have you right next to me. — I love you, Paolo. Happy anniversary, my sun. I said and gave you your good morning kiss, I couldn't believe it has been three years since we got married. Surely my dream was a gift, but you were the best gift I have ever gotten ever since I met you. Oh, how crazy I was and am for you.

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

Cold house. (1.2).

She was sit down, in the coach of the living, reading some love book as usual. He still could not believe she let him in, he knew it was not easy to stay there but as surprising as it can be, he got to stay there for over a year now and he was getting his hopes up. She was amazing, even with that mean side of her, she was really sweet and caring; she could pretend to be as distant as she wanted, but he discovered a jewel in her and unlike whoever was before him, he wasn't going to let her go.
- "Hey, pretty. Where is the television remote control?" He asked smiling while sitting down

- "There is not television here." She answered calmly while keeping her eyes on her book.

- "But I can see a television right there." He said pointing out the telelvision inside the room. He already knew it didn't work in fact, he was just trying to talk with her since some days she seemed to be more hermit that others.

- "It only works to watch movies with the dvd, there are not channels." She answered still focusing her look on her book.

- "Really?" He said with a surprised face, sounding a bit annoyed.

- "Yes." She answer now looking at him waiting for his reaction.

- "So it's not only pole north cause it is cold but also because there's nothing much to do." He said appearing a bit disappointed.

- "You can leave whenever you want." She said now coldly and focusing her eyes on her book one more time. But he already knew all her moves and behaviors, actually she didn't need to pretend she doesn't care at all anymore; after all this time he got to know the sweetest side of her and he couldn't buy such a cold attitude, even if she was really good at pretending to be heartless in the very beginning.

- "You're not nice at all, I wonder why do you like to live here all alone so much." He asked curious, for real, apparently her heart was taken but he has never seen her with any guy, she barely goes out as well and he hasn't heard any phone call nor anything that make him believe there was the guy. He started to believe he was dead since she usually wears black even if some days she add some cat ears on her head, which was extremely strange even for him, but other than that, she was a kind of a dismal girl.

- "You already know enough." She said while drinking the chamomile tea in the mug on the small table in front of her and finally closed her book.

- "Come on, how can you be so cute one minute and so cold the next one?" He asked, trying to provoke her in order to find out what he wanted. She seemed smart and calculating almost always but the time taught him she was, actually, really easy to trick as long as you get to bother her a little bit with harmless topics, like a little girl; though this time he was getting into a difficult subject.

- "I don't remember myself being cute to you at all." She answered with a confused face, looking everywhere while trying to remember.

- "You were when we were talking in the window, I found you sincerely charming. Then I came in and it seems like you just want me to leave cause of the things you say to me, but then I see your eyes saying something else. And sometimes you don't seem to notice but you can be pretty sweet" He said doubtful, not wanting to scare her not alert her too much.

- "I never meant to be nice." She said with a horror face.

- "Yes, I imagined so..." He said.
- "I wasn't flirting with you!" She said irritated. "Whatever I did or say, I hope you didn't take it wrong. I'm a married girl," She said proud. And he laughed a bit while asking himself marry with who? Seriously, she didn't call herself  widow even, but a married woman... There was something else, a missing part in his mental puzzle of her love situation.
- "May I continue?" He said looking at her, pretending to appear serious.
- "Why did you laugh before though? Never mind. You can continue." She said a bit suspicious now, she couldn't get right what was it that he wanted from her.
- "Well, I didn't think you were flirting, not cause you aren't way too kind, but because you made it clear yourself since the beginning giving many hints. In any case you were quite kind and that was enough for me. Still now is a bit hard to believe you're the same girl I used to talk with through your window. I mean, I knew to be here was going to require a lot of patience, but I've been here for a good amount of time already, and you remain so cold... Have I done something wrong? I mean, did I said or did something that displeased you?" He asked repentant, of course he was careful about every move but she didn't seem to know. She looked at him right in the eyes, apparently trying to know whether his intentions were sincere or not... even if she didn't know whether they were truly honest or not because she wasn't actually the best one reading looks.

- "Nothing. You haven't done anything. I don't think I've been mean to you, maybe in the beginning a bit distant, but I believe we're good friends by now. Don't you agree?" She said looking to the left a bit uncomfortable, he thought she was starting to feel a bit sorry over the way she has treated him so far.

- "Yes, good friends... Do you think this could ever be something else than that?" He asked her and she almost couldn't believe her ears.

- "Excuse me?" She asked looking at him with almost unexpected anger.

- "Do you think we could ever become something else than friends? I mean it's pretty obvious I like you and I don't know but you don't seem to dislike me exactly... You just, it's like you keep a wall between us. I mean you keep on talking about this one man I've never heard about around here." He said a bit nervous but sincerely wanting to know.

- "If you're talking about love, that door is closed and taken. I am sorry, there's no chance for anyone to enter there. It's way too taken." She said anxious and left the living room. He followed her to the kitchen though.

- "But I have never seen anyone having any special treatment around here. Is it some kind of secret love with someone inside your own house? Why isn't here right now answernig right now? I mean, does he feel the same you feel for him?" He asked curious, trying to get the true; but she seemed to break in that exact moment and he got a bit scared.

- "Do you want some cake?" It was all she said, while holding a plate and going to the fridge.

- "Are you listening to me?" He said getting close to her, while she moved away letting him now he was a bit too close.
- "The topic has been closed. It's more thant what I can take. You may re open it any other day. I am out of order." She answered about herself, like if she was a machine and even if he laughed, he understood it was something she couldn't talk about yet. Still he realize he had more chances than what he thought now, without someone to block him, he was going to find a way to make her fall for him.
- "I don't even know how you can open the fridge. This place couldn't be colder and you are there offering me cold cake with cold milk for sure. Don't you ever feel like drinking something hot? I can prepare it for you, just ask me. I am really good at cooking. Would you like to visit my place? It's really warm and you're welcome whenever you want" He said now enthusiastic and she couldn't believe her eyes now.
- "You're weird." She said looking at him.
- "Thank you. You're pretty instead." He said smiling at her and she couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Then she left the kitchen but this time he didn't follow her, she needed to enjoy her piece of cake in piece, while he enjoyed her embarrassment. He was not going to give up on her, she was way too adorable for him to give up, he thought and smiled for himself.



[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]

Nothing like him.

“You're too charming with everybody,” I said like an annoyed baby looking at the floor and playing with my hands. He held one of my hands while getting closer and closer to me so that our faces were right in front of each other, and said he could never look at a girl the way he looks at me.
Of course, I believed him. Who wouldn't believe those deep eyes of his? And people can call me silly and crazy, but I swear there was something about him that used to make me feel he could never lie to me.
I wonder if he ever got to feel because of me, at least, a small slide of all the emotions I always feel because of him and him only. My eyes have never gotten to see anything as gorgeous and as brilliant as him, not even after all this time.