Sounds fair enough

“Let's play this game,” he said trying not to look at her.
“Sure!” She answered excitedly.
“You leave me alone, like seriously alone. In exchange, I may talk to you one day.” He said seriously.
“I don't find such a game funny... but, it sounds fair enough.” She said a bit down, she was conscious of her mistakes and she couldn't do anything else but agree to his conditions one more time.
“Yes? Well, let's say bye now.” He asked immediately before she may change her mind and followed him around again.
“See you.” She said with a fake smile on her face. “It was not the end,” she thought “just the beginning”. It was a matter of patience and her plan was going through it, she just had to focus on her goal. 

His hands

- I love you more than ever. She said looking at his eyes.

- But you have to think about the difficulties we may have. He said serious.

- Instead I just think about the good side, you think then. She said wishing to hug him because it has been ages since the very last time she felt so close to him.

- Then, should I recall all the problems we have had before? He continued

- I want you. I take you with all the problems it may bring me. Now I know in advance what it's on the way for me and I take it. I am not saying it will be easy. I am just saying I can do it, even when I know how hard it is. I may feel tired sometimes, I may make mistakes, but I don't want to give up. She insisted.

- I am not sure about wanting so. Actually I don't. He said looking at her, and even when it sounded hard for her, still she couldn't do nothing but love his insecurities, his decision, his sweetness; because even through all she could see his sensitivity and she was still deeply in love with him and for once and all she was willing to give it all for him.

- It's okay then. She answered.

- It's the best for both of us. He said calmly believing she meant she'll stop.

- I am just going to stay here until you change your mind. I've waited for so long, believe me, I can continue waiting, until the very day you may say that "yes" to me. She said serious but giving a small smile, she was determined this time; he stood there just looking at her, not sure about her intentions, worried about her coming moves, thoughtful about what future may bring.

He started walking out of the room and she stood up as well.

- What are you doing? He asked a bit surprised.

- Following you. She replied.

- I am going to the supermarket, I need some supplies for the kitchen. He told her wishing to stay away from her.

- Perfect, I need something as well. Also I can give you a hand. She said smiling and holding his hand. That surprised him and he got rid of her immediatly.

- I missed your hands. She said a bit embarrased but happily. And he acted like if he didn't listen, he just kept on walking and let her follow him. 

It was the happiest day of her life, it has been forever since the last time she had the chance to be that near to him, to talk to him, to look at him, it was still him! The very same man she fell for, she forgot about when she thought he has gone, he was still there, right in front of her, she was just too blind to see it before, too immature, too silly, too everything; from now on she was going to be more mature, smarter, more everything, so that things may work out, but she was not going to let him go... There was no life out of him, after all that time separated she understood it, and she refused to die, she wanted to live and be happy, next to him, right next to him. Holding that hand of him, the most beautiful hands she has ever seen, his hands, of course, his hands.

Cold house

— “It's a bit cold in here.” He said once he entered the house, shivering a bit.

— “Yes, I'm sorry. I hope you may manage to feel comfortable if you really want to stay.” She said trying to sound sharp.

— “I'll be fine, but don't you have a heating? Usually places as cold as this have one.” He asked.

— “It's broken. The repairer has gone and I am very fond of my heating and repairer, so I learnt to live in with this weather inside. Anyways I have tons of sheet and heavy sweaters here. I hope you've brought your own, sadly I'm very sensitive to cold and if I dare myself to be without any of them; I may get sick and I don't really like doctors so I can end up dying. Still if it's too cold for you and you haven't brought any sweater you can still leave, don't worry.” She said doing all in her hands to push him away.

— “Well... I guess I'll have to go now then. I may not be as sensitive to cold as you but this place feels like the North Pole!” He said smiling and she felt relieved to know she won't have to put all her guards up, even if to be honest it was a bit disappointing to see how easily he gave up.

— “Okay, then.” She said smiling and walked him to the door.
They said goodbye to each other and she sat down on the long white couch calmly, to look at her cold and safe house, the only place in the world where she seem to be secure from any harm. 

She fell asleep thinking about how lucky she was; she never told him about the bedrooms... they were all different, but he'll never know because he left and she wasn't going to ask anyone to stay. No one would ever understand what the disappearance of her repairer meant to her, no one will ever understand what that broken heating was for her.

As sad as it may sound, that coldness used to remind her what happened was real, the pain was a clear sign of its authenticity; and she wasn't trying to turn it down nor cut it up. Whether people who wanted to stay managed to handle such circumstances, or may leave from the same door they came in, because she wasn't going to make it bearable for anyone; considering how unbearable it was at the end for her, if they leave after staying for a long while, like if she means nothing for them.

The next day in the morning someone rang the door, she walked out to the garden and reached the principal door; it was a bit weird since visitors used to come in the afternoon only and for a little while, not in the early morning or the late night. 

— “Good mor...” She said and couldn't finish her sentence as she got in shocked for what she saw.

— “I just went for my own sweater and sheets! So, what's my place in this beautiful but cold home?” He asked while fixing his eyes in hers, letting her know she wouldn't get rid of him as easily as she thought.

I dreamt

- Good morning, beloved brother! Charlotte said with a huge smile all over her little face.

- Good morning. He said looking at her, a bit surprised to see her so cheerful after all these days crying and locked in her room due to Hayes' rumors. He fixed his eyes on her little bag.

- Oh, this? Well, I am going to Hayes today. She said clearly happy. 

- What? Did he send you a message? If he wants to see you why isn't he coming instead though? He asked.

- Well, he didn't exactly asked me to go to him. But last night I dreamt we were together again. I dreamt we talked again and after a small discussion we got to fix things up, so the engagement was on the way for sure. He was so happy, Charles! Like if he really missed me as much as I've been doing all this time! She said brightly.

- No doubt. He said serious.

- I know! He is going to be so happy to see me! After so long without talking to each other! You know I've been too proud to send him any message or meeting him after the last words he told me, but honestly, I believe it's time for me to be honest with my own feelings and meet him so that we can fix everything! She said.

- Charlotte, no doubt you've lost your mind. I was afraid about this moment finally arriving, but it has arrived. I'll need to lock you in a mental hospital, no matter how sad it may be for me. Charles said overwhelmed.

- What's wrong with you, Charles!? I am telling you he misses me and want us to come back together! Why are you against my happiness!? Charlotte said furious.

- In your dream. He emphasized.

- Yes, but I am sure I am right! Right now I will send a letter to the post office, you will see. She said going for a paper to the next room and coming in back immediatly. 

- Charlotte! I need you to come back to your senses! What letter do you want to send!? Haven't you gotten enough after the thousands of letters you've sent him last year!? Or what? His one-letter answer for your millions wasn't enough for you to understand he doesn't want you anymore? You're not sending him anything! You aren't going to contact him! You aren't going to call him! You aren't going to follow him around! You aren't going to ever spend not even a second of your life after him again! If that schmuck doesn't want you anymore you're going to stop wanting him! Even if deep inside you're loving him to dead as usual because that's how stupidly in love with him you are! Charlotte, if he'd want you back, he'd be here! Right here! Apologizing! Explaining himself! He'll be asking you, even begging you if necessary to meet him! But he is not! Your dreams aren't reality! Do you understand!? You better stop dreaming awake, you may not control your dreams when you sleep but at least when you wake up I beg you to maintain your composure. He said tired while Charlotte tears covered all her face after his words brought her back to reality even against her will.

- I was just kidding. She said coldly. I don't care at all for such silly dreams I may have. Tette took her bag and walked back to her room.

- What do you want for dinner, Tette? Charles asked trying to cheer her up somehow.

- Ice cream! This house needs more ice cream and less salty food! She said. It's enough with my tears. She whispered.

- Vanilla ice cream then.

- Chocolate ice cream! She screamed since the stairs.

- But you like vani...

- Hayes likes vanilla not me! 

- Chocolate ice cream then. Take good care of her, Margaret, please. I will go for her ice cream, before the store will be closed. I'll see you both at night. Charles said calmly and got his waistcoat and hat to overcome that cold afternoon of autumn that seem more like winter already.

- Of course, sir. Margaret said while walking upstairs to check on Tette and anything she may need.

Displeasure and a special kind of love.

- I'm getting married! I'm getting married! I'm getting married! Charlotte said upset and crying.

- What? With who? Did Mr. Borlen already talked to you? Her brother asked surprised.

- What?! What are you talking about? I told you to re... Mr. Borlen wants to talk to you? She asked surprised.

- Well, men in the coffee have been talking about he has some kind of special interest in you. I've seen the way he looks at you when you talk to him, even if it's the simplest matter in the world, he seems so curious about your words. He said with bored expression while Tette cleaned her few anger tears.

- Charles! The things I talk about are important and interesting! It's just normal he paying me such attention! Tette became infuriated again.

- Tette, honestly, talking to a man about a breeding center of "bunnies" because your old rabbit died with some strange illness isn't as interesting as you may believe. 

- Anyways! I am getting married to whoever! He is welcome in this house! She said.

- What in heaven's name, Charlotte!? What have you heard about Malkovich now? Did you listen he has been talking to girls in the near town? Have you thought he got engaged again? Is he asking to some family to talk with their daughter? What in the world is going on now? I am so tired to wait for this man to do or not to do in order for you to react! And I never know what to expect from your reactions! Last time you went to his mother town and talked to his mother about a wedding that has been cancelled long time ago! I need you to control yourself! Charles said, now irritated because he knew his sister well and she wasn't really open for a new engagement, she was just letting her anger go with careless words throw in the air, she was clearly displeased.

- I just did because he told me we were going to talk to her last summer but didn't get to do it! You know nothing about us! It is a special kind of love... She said sadly now.

- And yours is a special kind of insanity? He asked still annoyed but more calm, concious about how hard talking about Hayes was for her even after so long, especially after people started talking about some girl talking frequently with him lately.

She just looked at him badly and left the living room. 

- Tette, wait. Charles said but Tette was already running upstairs and locked herself in her room.

- For God's sake, until when? She's a child. He said tired.

She knew her actions weren't normal, she more than anyone knew that well, she herself was ashamed of not being able to control her emotions, not being able to control her actions properly, not even her thoughts, she was tired of her dreams with him even now, she was tired of asking about him in every meeting, she was done with herself. She wished she can stop herself because all this was ruining her, taking away all her youth and driving her closer and closer to "insanity". 

 She knew even the same Hayes was annoyed by her constant persuit... it was just hard for her to admit the same man once told her he was going to make her his wife and will treat her the way she deserves to be treated, was the same man today was telling people she has lost her mind since the engagement got broken. She couldn't admit such level of insensitivity in the man she once loved to death... 

She was sure about there were still some pieces of that beautiful love they once seemed to share, but it was obvious that love was fading away little by little even if against her own will, all his words, attitudes and actions were finally killing that irrational love she had for him... though was it really fading away? or was that just something she was trying hard to believe in order to stop looking for him? Even that was deeply painful for Tette, she didn't feel she was ready to let him go, to let that love go even if he himself went away long time ago, with her heart in his bag.

Stranger

- Am I a summer day for you then?
- You're the 367th day of the year: a day which doesn't exist in this world (you're surely from another one), but which is the most beautiful and lucky day of the year.

Thank God I wasn't a summer day, otherwise you'll be missing a day in your calendar. I guess you were right about your definition "a day which doesn't exist in this world", because now I am a day that doesn't exist in your world. Anyways it doesn't really matter now actually. 

And I'm still mad at you, I'm not forgiving you for the last words you said to me; you did a great job, congratulations. This is how heavy your words are for me, your words in the past and even your words in the present, you've been careful with them? Ha, yeah, right. I told you so many times you were going to leave in the end, but you insist about you wouldn't... excuse me, where are you now? Right, you're not here.

When I think carefully about all the things you said, I told myself that's part of the past... you said them because you felt them back them; but, you don't anymore, so you weren't lying, it's just a different time now, a new chapter in our lifes where we're not entangled anymore.

But why did you say all the things you said in first place if you couldn't get to do it? But I'm the liar one, right? Right. I hope you never read this, I hope you won't ever check on me... Because from now on, I doutb myself writing anything sweet about you and I'm afraid my words can get to hurt you as deep as yours hurt me, everything has turn bitter when it comes to you. 

The only sweet thing I can say to you, is the very same thing you said to me: "I wish you to live a happy life". I will stay here missing the old you, the one I met, the one that made me believe him, the one I fell in love with... Because you, the one you're now... are a stranger for me.

So The Elephants March (Dancing the Dream)

Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

A curious fact about elephants is this: In order to survive, they mustn't fall down. Every other animal can stumble and get back up again. But an elephant always stands up, even to sleep. If one of the herd slips and falls, it is helpless. It lies on its side, a prisoner of its own weight. Although the other elephants will press close around it in distress and try to lift it up again, there isn't usually much they can do. With slow heaving breaths, the fallen elephant dies. The others stand vigil, then slowly move on.

This is what I learned from nature books, but I wonder if they are right. Isn't there another reason why elephants can't fall down? Perhaps they have decided not to. Not to fall down is their mission. As the wisest and most patient of the animals, they made a pact -- I imagine it was eons ago, when the ice ages were ending. Moving in great herds across the face of the earth, the elephants first spied tiny men prowling the tall grasses with their flint spears.
"What fear and anger this creature has," the elephants thought. "But he is going to inherit the earth. We are wise enough to see that. Let us set an example for him."

Then the elephants put their grizzled heads together and pondered. What kind of example could they show to man? They could show him that their power was much greater that his, for that was certainly true. They could display their anger before him, which was terrible enough to uproot whole forests. Or they could lord it over man through fear, trampling his fields and crushing his huts.
In moments of great frustration, wild elephants will do all of these things, but as a group, putting their heads together, they decided that man would learn best from a kinder message.

"Let us show him our reverence for life," they said. And from that day on, elephants have been silent, patient, peaceful creatures. They let men ride them and harness them like slaves. They permit children to laugh at their tricks in the circus, exiled from the great African plains where they once lived as lords.
But the elephants' most important message is in their movement. For they know that to live is to move. Dawn after dawn, age after age, the herds march on, one great mass of life that never falls down, an unstoppable force of peace.

Innocent animals, they do not suspect that after all this time, they will fall from a bullet by the thousands. They will lie in the dust, mutilated by our shameless greed. The great males fall first, so that their tusks can be made into trinkets. Then the females fall, so that men may have trophies. The babies run screaming from the smell of their own mothers' blood, but it does them no good to run from the guns. Silently, with no one to nurse them, they will die, too, and all their bones bleach in the sun.

In the midst of so much death, the elephants could just give up. All they have to do is drop to the ground. That is enough. They don't need a bullet: Nature has given them the dignity to lie down and find their rest. But they remember their ancient pact and their pledge to us, which is sacred.
So the elephants march on, and every tread beats out words in the dust: "Watch, learn, love. Watch, learn, love." Can you hear them? One day in shame, the ghosts of ten thousand lords of the plains will say, "We do not hate you. Don't you see at last? We were willing to fall, so that you, dear small ones, will never fall again."

— Michael Jackson

Things happen.

- A man came to ask for your hand, Miss Charlotte. The maid said.

- What!? Tette said in deep anger. What have you said, Margaret? She insisted.

- Your brother is talking with him right now. It seems he met you at the library and fell in love.

Charlotte tried to think fast over the people she may talked to in the library and she remember a good looking man asking for her recommendations over what to read in the romance section which was her favorite. She could never imagined such person would dare to come to her house and even ask for her hand in such way. She was walking to her room when the doors of her father's office in the middle of the living room, opened up and her brother appeared up with a huge smile and called her.

- Tette! Come here, dear. Come here. Meet this wonderful gentleman! Mr. Marthon, he is the owner of a library chain. To be more specific the one you like the most!

- Good afternoon, sir. She said with total annoyance in her face. Mr. Marthon got a bit surprised, it was the first time he'll meet her without a shining smile over her pretty face, when she was in his library she seemed happy and excited the whole time... Maybe cause of the books she was reading... Once he thought that it was maybe, just maybe, because of him; he was sure about it wasn't like that now.

- Good afternoon, Miss Charlotte. It's a pleasure to meet you here. I hope this won't stop you from going to the library. You see, things like this happen... He said with some embarrassment.

- I have no idea about what you're talking about, sir. I guess you can update me about the news. She said calmly but with a tone that hides anger and displeasure.

- I guess your brother will let you know, my lady. I will get going. It's almost dinner time and it's getting dark outside. He said in a hurry.

- Oh, dear friend! I thought you would stay for dinner, at least. What a pity you're leaving so soon... Oh Tette, take off that face of yours. Smile a bit. You're scaring our guest. Her brother said playfully and that only made her ever angrier.

- I believe if he wants to go you should allow it, dear brother. You're just putting him in an uncomfortable situation. She said sharply.

- It's not like that. Her brother said getting finally serious.

- I will go now, Mr. Bukow. Thanks for meeting me. Good afternoon. He said and left the living room as fast as possible.

- But what's wrong with you? Charles asked once Mr. Marthon left. You should treat with more kindness to a guest. He claimed a bit mad.

- He came asking for my hand!? How dare you to even receive him in the house? What am I going to do if Hayes asked once people start to talk about it? Rumors run fast! Charlotte cried with deep anger.

- Charlotte, he hasn't even talked to you in the last months. What are you talking about, sister? You even said yourself it was over. Charles said making fun of her own words even when he knew well his sister would keep on thinking and talking about him to Margaret.

- I prohibite you to ever let any man into our house when you already know his intentions. She said crying.

- You can't prohibite me anything, Tette. Instead of giving me such orders you should clear up your heart and get over such man. Mr. Marthon is a good man, in fact. Don't worry I didn't accept anything, I just talked to him. If any other man ask for your hand it'll be exactly the same, I will only talk to him and always get to know whether you have some interest in him or not. You can't keep on thinking about a man that doesn't want you anymore for the rest of your life. You're too precious, Tette. He said now holding her hand affectionately.

- How can you know if he doesn't love me anymore? She asked looking at him in the eyes, because deep inside she felt Hayes love for her was still alive even through all.

- It doesn't matter if he deos or not, Charlotte. If the man already gave up, it's not worthy. He doesn't deserve for you to wait for him, until he has the guts to get you back. He said annoyed now.

- But... She said feeling guilty.

- No "but's" Charlotte. I don't want you to explain me his reasons anymore, I don't need to listen your faults anymore. Because it doesn't matter how it happened, he left the battlefield and it doesn't matter all the qualities you may find in him, he stopped deserving you the moment he left that door after cancelling the engagement. I don't care what you did, I know you. If you did anything to hurt that man feelings in any way, he still had to endure it to have you in his life, if he isn't here today it means it wasn't worthy for him; and he shouldn't be worthy for you, damn it! It's over, Charlotte! So you better start opening your eyes and heart to other options, because life is just beginning for you and you're an amazing woman. I would never give you to anyone against your will, but know that I will also never allow myself to give your hand again to a man that lack worth to me, I wouldn't make that mistake twice! You're my sister and my responsability. He said tired and Charlotte just looked at him surprised for his commitment and the sweetness of his love. He seriously was the best brother she could ask for, even when many times she could behave like the cruelest sister for him.

- Fine then. It was all she said while she walked to him and hugged him tight.

There is nothing to be afraid of, Tette Bukow. How could you while having a fair God and such a brother by your side? She thought for herself and gave herself strength and peace.

Written September 12nd 2016
Completed October 1st 2016