Some kind of love letter for you

Dear you,

    This is a love letter. I told you in advance because I'm a bit excited, I've forgotten the last time I wrote you a real love letter; during all this time apart I've written anything but a love letter... it's not like a love letter would fix anything, but I'll like to write something sweet. Don't worry, I won't send it to you, so that you won't get disturbed; this is between your imaginary presence and me, about us.

    It's a bit depressing knowing I am writting a letter I'll never send because the addressee is done with me and doesn't want to get a word from me, but somehow it's even sadder not allowing me to express myself when it's all I can do freely. This probably wouldn't make sense to you, since it doesn't really aim to anything, but talking about purposes... it lets me be, it helps me to handle your absence. I've tried it before and it doesn't really help that much, but it's better than nothing.

    Sometimes I'd like to go back in time and understand you a bit more, you surely believe I don't understand anything about you, not even now; but believe me if I say that the cultural differences make a lot and I am not sure about you being able to find all of them in a simple book as the one I sent you. Anyways, after all this time apart, where I've dedicated so much of time to the study of your nation, culture, costumes, language and so, I can see many times it was just us not being able to communicate properly cause some things that were normal here, aren't normal at all there & viceversa; and I am not talking about my personal particularities nor yours, but general ones due to the places were we raised in. But we can't go back in time, chances don't pass twice in life, no matter how much you beg and pledge for them to come back.
    I wonder if you're forgetting me, maybe I am way too egoistic wishing for you to remember all those things about me that can only hurt you now; I say it because those same things only hurt me now in any case. It's such a pity I never got the opportunity to see directly to your eyes, more than sad eyes, they are your eyes and for that single fact I'd love to see them... I never saw you smiling, nor I listened you laughing, isn't it such a waste? I'd pay to see and hear that, at least once in my life... You aren't dead still that's an impossible wish, how unlucky!
    Last time we talked you said you remember clearly the mood of all our last conversations and I remember that too; but, don't you remember our good times? We had so many... even if not in the last months, we had so many good times... it's just very painful to recall them because they seem so far away, almost unreachable but they're right there... maybe I have better memories since you were so sweet... I know you said I'm sweet too, but I don't see my sweetness reaching your level, you were just so sweet to me. So how in the world can I possibly forget you? How...?
    I remember the day you told your mom about me, even if it ended up badly, I was so excited about you telling YOUR MOM that day, telling her about me! Everything felt so real... I remember the first and last time we went on call, it was a bad experience for you since I couldn't get to control myself, but putting aside the fact of you kind of scolding me, I was so happy to finally be able to listen your voice and how I made you say that "purrr", that was one of the sweetest things in the whole universe! I remember you waving your hands "goodbye" to me because I asked you to, how can't that be considered one of the cutest things an human being can do? Even if I didn't see you doing it, I trust your word completely and if you say you did it, then you did, my love. I remember you staying awake until late for me... you may think I didn't value it because at the end I said you did nothing for me, but I was just hurt and those words don't really count, I truly valued those effort of yours, especially when you use to try to go to sleep but I asked you to stay longer and longer and longer and you stayed! Until your eyes couldn't bear it anymore and used to close themselves cause you were just so sleepy. Then? Can you admit you're a sweetheart? Because you are. I remember you making fun of me... in so many ways, and I miss that; and even if you making fun of my jealousy isn't something I exactly "miss", it is something I can appreciate by now, I hope you may understand me if I just couldn't take, can't take and will never be able to take jokes about you with other women, that's just not allowed unless you want to disturb me. I remember those videos you made for me showing me the places around you... I remember so much...
    You wouldn't believe me if I tell you you get me over and over again, in so many ways; I could fall in love with you every brand new day, I actually do... it's a shame me not being able to cause that on you... not to be able to make you like me every new day... Even in your absence, I fall for you every single day, even the days I deny it! It's funny because the days I deny it, I just say that “I hate you”, but by saying that it's pretty obvious I still love you... I couldn't hate someone I don't love in first place. I wonder when will come a time where the memories wouldn't be enough... because that day seems so far and even if some days you hurt less, there are moments like now, where you still hurt so much, but so much... that I feel like getting crazy.
     Do you know? I want to learn maths now, would you still like to teach me? I always find an excuse to text you, even if the excuses have always a solid base, still excuses to text you somehow; but obviously they don't fool you at all and I have reached a point, where I can't continue pretending I don't get your message about you wanting me to disappear from your life, but... I just, already, feel myself so out of your life... I can't believe it'll come a time when you'll forget about me... I've read and heard and watched that you never forget your first love, also that the things with your first love never really work out, but if so many people have gotten it, why couldn't I be among the ones that got it? Why couldn't I stay with you forever? Why my love wasn't enough to keep us on going? I miss us so much... but I understand that you don't...
    I'm sorry I couldn't be your strength back in time... I'm sorry it took me so long to get myself together and regained the strength necessary to fight for us both... I don't know if I am asking forgiveness to you or myself right now... all I know is that I feel sorry for it because somehow it broke us... But... did you know? I loved you... yes, in past tense; I love you, in present tense; and I will love you... even if you may not believe it, in future tense... I didn't make a mistake by loving you, my mistake was loving you wrongly, you deserved a better kind of love and back then I couldn't offer it to you while being in such state... And now I can't give it to you because you wouldn't allow me but still I offer it to you as always, handed on a gold plate, I offer it to you with open arms, I offer it to you sincerely... I offer it to you because there is no one but you that I could offer it to, because there is no one but you I'd want to give it to. I love you, so much... so much...

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

    

Cold House. (1.3. Together separated)

“It is that we are never so defenseless against suffering as when we love, never so helplessly unhappy as when we have lost our loved object or its love.” (Freud, 2002) 

She was looking at him, he could swear she is just so cute when she looks at him in such way, with clear curiosity, like a child.
— "What is that?" She asked him.
— "What?" He said, pretending not to know.
— "That." She said pointing out his notebook.
— "This, you mean?" He said while getting closer to her and showing her the equation.

— "Yes." She said and she didn't move, whether she was allowing him to get closer for the first time ever or she was so into it that she couldn't even notice his proximity, he couldn't know.
— "It's an equation." He said serious and she did a pout, he couldn't even say how adorable it was but it was just a second; it didn't last anymore than a second, just enough for him to see it.
— "I am not that silly. I knew that... What I want to know is if it has some kind of special meaning. I have seen it before, in tattoes and so on. Seems like it means something." She said looking at him.

— "It's Dirac's equation." He said, absorbed in her glance. She barely looks at him in the eyes, especially being this close to him so he was fascinated.
— "Thanks." She said and he could noticed she was annoyed. She started moving and he knew he had to say something before she stands up, because otherwise he wouldn't be able to enjoy one more minute next to her.
— "Wait!" He said aloud, nearly screaming and she leaped a little.

— "You scared me." She said disconcerted while looking at him.
— "Dirac's equation." He answer breathless, then he divert his look trying to focus on his own speech. "Entangled, you know? Quantum entanglement, it says that two systems that have been entangled will always influenced in each other even if separated." He said and he couldn't believe her level of sensitivity, because when he looked at her again she seemed to be close to tears.

— "It's beautiful." It was all she said. 

— "Did I say something wrong?" He asked, a bit disturbed.

— "No, you just described us perfectly... You're always asking me about him, this equation match us perfectly. See? He and I may be separated, but we'll always be together, we're together separated; he'll always be part of me and I hope to be part of him; there will always be things about him influencing my life, as I hope there will be things, even if few, about me influencing his. It's beautiful." She said crying for real now with some kind of sad happiness.

— "I see." He said, asking himself if it was worthy to keep on trying with her, giving up didn't seem to be something reasonable, but trying a move on a soul who was far away from a long time ago, and even embraced in some other's man soul, didn't seem the most intelligent move. "Do you still love him that much?" He asked hurt in advanced for her answer.

— "With all my heart. He's the love of my soul." She said and he noticed the man before him was not around physically but never left spiritually and how admirable that was; of course, it was understanding. For a girl as amazing as her to be caught up, only an awesome boy could've done it and him, whoever he was, should be incredibly awesome.

 — "I hope you can meet him again and I hope this time you both will be together forever. You deserve to be happy and I guess he's the only one allowed to bring back the warmness to this place." He said and for the first time ever, he saw the brightest smile over her face, she was undoubtedly in love. 

— "No one else but him." She answered pleased.

[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]
[Second part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/12/cold-house-12.html ]

Reference:
Freud, S. (2002). Civilization and Its Discontents. London, United Kingdom: Penguin.

The best gift

— Mom, hurry up! Hurry up! Daddy is coming! Mom, daddy said he is on the way when you called him! Mom, hurry up! My daughter insisted while pulling my hand trying to take me, tirelessly, to the the living room.
— Flavia! Calm down! Your father wants a good cake, if you don't let me decorate it properly he can get sad! I said and she stopped right away.
— Really? I don't want daddy to be sad on his birthday... She said with teary eyes and I couldn't bother her anymore.
— Oh, my princess, no. The cake is just fine, I almost finish. Also your father will be the happiest with that adorable drawing you did all the day long for him. He is going to be happy to know you helped so much with it. I said smiling and giving her a fast hug because I was running out of time. I came back to the cake and checked on the food so that he'll be suprised with my new recipe.

— Cutie. You said lowly and I woke up slowly but a bit surprised looking the whole room. — Good morning. You said with a little smile like every morning. I didn't use to stayed asleep on a work's day, but having such a dream I don't think I wanted to wake up, not even if I was unconcious.

— What in the world have you done!? I said hysterically opening my eyes and touching my head in dramatic frustration.

— What? You said a bit scared and I couldn't help but think you eyes were beautiful, are beautiful and will always be beautiful... but since we got married they seemed to be brighter, I don't know whether it was my imagination and my elevated ego or if my love was truly making a difference in your life. I frankly can't believe such perfection right in front of me... your hair, your forehead, your eyes, your nose, your lips, even your beard! I wonder if you ever saw me with even half of the admiration I always see you. And every single day by your side is a new miracle. Of course we've had good days and very bad ones, but today had to be a good one yes or yes.
— I was dreaming about our daughter! I swear she was as lovely as you! You can't imagine! She looked like a tiny you! Oh my God! She was gorgeous! Oh my God, you can't imagine! It was your birthday, my love! And we made a cake for you and she was hurrying me up to get everything ready cause you were coming home soon! She looked so excited to see you! I was so happy! You were going to be happy! I said excited and you were already laughing. How could it be possible each time I tell you something important about our future you'd laugh in such way that drives me deeper and deeper in love with you. I just stared at you, thankful to have you right next to me. — I love you, Paolo. Happy anniversary, my sun. I said and gave you your good morning kiss, I couldn't believe it has been three years since we got married. Surely my dream was a gift, but you were the best gift I have ever gotten ever since I met you. Oh, how crazy I was and am for you.

Picture and drawing by Madelaine Bustamante

Cold house. (1.2).

She was sit down, in the coach of the living, reading some love book as usual. He still could not believe she let him in, he knew it was not easy to stay there but as surprising as it can be, he got to stay there for over a year now and he was getting his hopes up. She was amazing, even with that mean side of her, she was really sweet and caring; she could pretend to be as distant as she wanted, but he discovered a jewel in her and unlike whoever was before him, he wasn't going to let her go.
- "Hey, pretty. Where is the television remote control?" He asked smiling while sitting down

- "There is not television here." She answered calmly while keeping her eyes on her book.

- "But I can see a television right there." He said pointing out the telelvision inside the room. He already knew it didn't work in fact, he was just trying to talk with her since some days she seemed to be more hermit that others.

- "It only works to watch movies with the dvd, there are not channels." She answered still focusing her look on her book.

- "Really?" He said with a surprised face, sounding a bit annoyed.

- "Yes." She answer now looking at him waiting for his reaction.

- "So it's not only pole north cause it is cold but also because there's nothing much to do." He said appearing a bit disappointed.

- "You can leave whenever you want." She said now coldly and focusing her eyes on her book one more time. But he already knew all her moves and behaviors, actually she didn't need to pretend she doesn't care at all anymore; after all this time he got to know the sweetest side of her and he couldn't buy such a cold attitude, even if she was really good at pretending to be heartless in the very beginning.

- "You're not nice at all, I wonder why do you like to live here all alone so much." He asked curious, for real, apparently her heart was taken but he has never seen her with any guy, she barely goes out as well and he hasn't heard any phone call nor anything that make him believe there was the guy. He started to believe he was dead since she usually wears black even if some days she add some cat ears on her head, which was extremely strange even for him, but other than that, she was a kind of a dismal girl.

- "You already know enough." She said while drinking the chamomile tea in the mug on the small table in front of her and finally closed her book.

- "Come on, how can you be so cute one minute and so cold the next one?" He asked, trying to provoke her in order to find out what he wanted. She seemed smart and calculating almost always but the time taught him she was, actually, really easy to trick as long as you get to bother her a little bit with harmless topics, like a little girl; though this time he was getting into a difficult subject.

- "I don't remember myself being cute to you at all." She answered with a confused face, looking everywhere while trying to remember.

- "You were when we were talking in the window, I found you sincerely charming. Then I came in and it seems like you just want me to leave cause of the things you say to me, but then I see your eyes saying something else. And sometimes you don't seem to notice but you can be pretty sweet" He said doubtful, not wanting to scare her not alert her too much.

- "I never meant to be nice." She said with a horror face.

- "Yes, I imagined so..." He said.
- "I wasn't flirting with you!" She said irritated. "Whatever I did or say, I hope you didn't take it wrong. I'm a married girl," She said proud. And he laughed a bit while asking himself marry with who? Seriously, she didn't call herself  widow even, but a married woman... There was something else, a missing part in his mental puzzle of her love situation.
- "May I continue?" He said looking at her, pretending to appear serious.
- "Why did you laugh before though? Never mind. You can continue." She said a bit suspicious now, she couldn't get right what was it that he wanted from her.
- "Well, I didn't think you were flirting, not cause you aren't way too kind, but because you made it clear yourself since the beginning giving many hints. In any case you were quite kind and that was enough for me. Still now is a bit hard to believe you're the same girl I used to talk with through your window. I mean, I knew to be here was going to require a lot of patience, but I've been here for a good amount of time already, and you remain so cold... Have I done something wrong? I mean, did I said or did something that displeased you?" He asked repentant, of course he was careful about every move but she didn't seem to know. She looked at him right in the eyes, apparently trying to know whether his intentions were sincere or not... even if she didn't know whether they were truly honest or not because she wasn't actually the best one reading looks.

- "Nothing. You haven't done anything. I don't think I've been mean to you, maybe in the beginning a bit distant, but I believe we're good friends by now. Don't you agree?" She said looking to the left a bit uncomfortable, he thought she was starting to feel a bit sorry over the way she has treated him so far.

- "Yes, good friends... Do you think this could ever be something else than that?" He asked her and she almost couldn't believe her ears.

- "Excuse me?" She asked looking at him with almost unexpected anger.

- "Do you think we could ever become something else than friends? I mean it's pretty obvious I like you and I don't know but you don't seem to dislike me exactly... You just, it's like you keep a wall between us. I mean you keep on talking about this one man I've never heard about around here." He said a bit nervous but sincerely wanting to know.

- "If you're talking about love, that door is closed and taken. I am sorry, there's no chance for anyone to enter there. It's way too taken." She said anxious and left the living room. He followed her to the kitchen though.

- "But I have never seen anyone having any special treatment around here. Is it some kind of secret love with someone inside your own house? Why isn't here right now answernig right now? I mean, does he feel the same you feel for him?" He asked curious, trying to get the true; but she seemed to break in that exact moment and he got a bit scared.

- "Do you want some cake?" It was all she said, while holding a plate and going to the fridge.

- "Are you listening to me?" He said getting close to her, while she moved away letting him now he was a bit too close.
- "The topic has been closed. It's more thant what I can take. You may re open it any other day. I am out of order." She answered about herself, like if she was a machine and even if he laughed, he understood it was something she couldn't talk about yet. Still he realize he had more chances than what he thought now, without someone to block him, he was going to find a way to make her fall for him.
- "I don't even know how you can open the fridge. This place couldn't be colder and you are there offering me cold cake with cold milk for sure. Don't you ever feel like drinking something hot? I can prepare it for you, just ask me. I am really good at cooking. Would you like to visit my place? It's really warm and you're welcome whenever you want" He said now enthusiastic and she couldn't believe her eyes now.
- "You're weird." She said looking at him.
- "Thank you. You're pretty instead." He said smiling at her and she couldn't help but feel embarrassed. Then she left the kitchen but this time he didn't follow her, she needed to enjoy her piece of cake in piece, while he enjoyed her embarrassment. He was not going to give up on her, she was way too adorable for him to give up, he thought and smiled for himself.



[First part: http://handsofaheart.blogspot.com/2016/10/cold-house.html ]

Nothing like him.

“You're too charming with everybody,” I said like an annoyed baby looking at the floor and playing with my hands. He held one of my hands while getting closer and closer to me so that our faces were right in front of each other, and said he could never look at a girl the way he looks at me.
Of course, I believed him. Who wouldn't believe those deep eyes of his? And people can call me silly and crazy, but I swear there was something about him that used to make me feel he could never lie to me.
I wonder if he ever got to feel because of me, at least, a small slide of all the emotions I always feel because of him and him only. My eyes have never gotten to see anything as gorgeous and as brilliant as him, not even after all this time.

Heart, Brain and I.

— Come here! Come here, right now. I said angry following her to the next room and didn't stop, she only moved from one side to another furiously.

— You can't do this to me! You're going to kill me! Heart-y said crying.
— Pathetic, so dependant. Brain-y said and got a killing sight from Heart-y and I.
— Please, brain, not right now. Before this gets out of control, I need to calm her down. I said seriously.
— Nothing's going to calm me down except for writing him! It's been several weeks! I need to reach him out.
— No, you don't. That's breaking the rules One. More. Time. And he already thinks the very worst of me, don't make it worse. I said almost begging.
— How could he forget me so easily? Throw everything to the trash in a single year! Heart said getting angrier and angrier and I saw it was going to be a long night.
— I will get a hot chocolate, do you want some tea? Brain asked so carelessly.
— Seriously!? I asked astonished.
— How many times have we done this for the last fourteen months? You're the one I should be saying "seriously?" Heart is insane.
— I am not insane! She screamed again.
— I should put you to sleep, do you want some pills to help you to get some rest? Brain asked looking at her maliciously.
— Brain, please, stop. I said disappointed.
— Alright, alright. She said putting one hand up in signal of peace and left to the kitchen to get the drinks ready.
— Heart, listen to me. I know you feel you love him and I know it is hard for you and I know you thought he was the love of your... I couldn't complete what I was saying cause she looked at me, prey of frustration and I thought she was going to kill me.
— Thought? THOUGHT!? Ha! You don't get it! He is the only man I've ever truly loved! You just don't understand! Have you people gone nuts? Why is everybody saying so many nonsenses!? It's all your fault, did you notice? All this is your fault! You were so demanding and careless with him the last months! Then you got insensible! Then you were absurdly jealous! And then you couldn't even tell him straight you want a life next to him! I lost him because of you! She said and started crying badly again. And brain entered the room and talked before I got the chance to say a word.
— Here is your roses tea. Brain said and gave it to me while holding two more glasses. Now I'm going to enjoy my hot chocolate... She said while putting it close to Heart who immediatly took it. As I was saying, here I am enjoying my capuccino, while Heart gets her chocolate and you your tea. Brain said so confindent as usual and sit down on the couch. Don't put blames on her, it was my doing. If she'd listen to you all the time, we'd be lost.
— We're lost right now! Heart said putting her chocolate on the little table and covering her face.
— We haven't kept a balance since he left, for real. I said out of the blue while looking at the floor.
— You, girls, are just too sensitive, you were alive before him and you've been alive after him. Stop thinking about contacting him ever again, he said clearly you're a pain in the neck and you better errase yourself from his life. He doesn't want you anymore and you shouldn't want him neither. You guys simply don't match together, you both are way too different. You wouldn't be able to handle a life by his side, he can't do it neither. The most reasonable thing is to stay away. I don't know in what moment Heart stood up but she was right in front of Brain before I could have time to react.
— What did you just said? Heart said looking at her in the eyes with her hands in fists.
— You need to learn to control yourself, from crying due to deep sadness, to fighting cause of anger and laughing cause of incredible joy. You need to control yourself. You won't get a thing by hitting me. Also why? Why are you going to hit me? Do you want to hurt me in the same way he hurt you? Do you want to destroy me? Do you want me to disappear as he wants you out of the map? What? Are you going to put on me blames that aren't mine? Brain said challenging and I was just wondering whether Heart would punch her face or not.
— He is just confused... it is obvious he wants me too. We were going to get married, have kids, life together for the rest of our lives. I just did some mistakes... he is hurt. I took him to his limit, I made him go through more than what he could. I wasn't supportivd and understanding enough. I didn't put enough effort in changing into what he wanted me to. I didn't say the thing stuck inside of me at the right time. I confused him. I took too long to heal and calm down. I waited for too long... I waited... I lost him... I lost him... Heart said and sit down on the coach again looking to the infinite.
— Great. If she gets depressed again I'm ruined. Took me forever to pull her out last time. Would you mind to be a bit more sensitive towards her pain? She is going through a lot. Maybe for you this is not a big deal, but for her it's the end of the world. He was everything to her.
— She let him go when she couldn't handle the fact of him not loving her back even after a year together. She had to be stronger. She made him go through hell, now she is going through the hell she created herself.
— “If there was a hell, you would deserve it for how you treated me” Heart said and the tears couldn't stop falling.
— Stop recalling his words! It sickens me! It sickens me! I screamed.
— Well, I didn't see that coming. Brain said smiling pleased even if clearly surprised. I'd suggest to talk to him and fix things up but that has been done already and there's no forgiveness, thinking lucidly the only left to do is to get over him; but obviously it's something you girls don't really know how to do. And I have tried my very best to point why not instead of why yes still it doesn't make any difference. It's all about him even after all this time and I wish it'd be easier for you girls as it seems for him but from what I see we still have a long way with a hard fight to face, I just hope we have the strength to do it without killing us, or what seems to be worst according to some people, without render unfeeling.
— You would deserve it for how you treated me, you would deserve it for how you treated me, you would deserve it for how you treated me... Heart couldn't stop saying while her eyes started to getting closed due to tiredness.
— Do you think she's going to be alright? I asked Brain, trying to believe she has some answers for me.
— I haven't seen her actually "right", since he left and she has been getting worse after his rudeness and coldness and all the jealousy. But I couldn't blame him, he has the right to protect himself. What a pity our poor Heart doesn't understand the meaning of protecting herself once she has given to him.
— Do you think he'll ever come back?
— I just think if he'd ever dare to come back, I'll just let him in for Heart's sake. Brain said and I didn't know if that was a wise decision or just Brain appearing to have feelings, I didn't know if any of my thoughts made any sense and I was way too tired and sleepy to re-think calmly even if I am a professional overthinking at this point. Let's go to sleep... or, at least try. Brain said and I just followed her to the bedroom.
— I have to remember “One day at a time”. I said to myself and Brain laughed softly, I even thought she was sincerely laughing even if at weirdest moment.
— Right.
— What? I asked curious.
— Nothing, never mind. I'm tired, let's sleep. Brain said while getting comfortable on the bed.
— Actually I miss him too. I said opening up.
— All of you misses him. It includes me sadly. I hope one day you'll wake up from the dream you fell into the first time you saw him. Even if at the beginning it was beautiful, now it is more like a nightmare; and sometimes I get scared for our mental sanity for real. Brain said and covered up with the blanket like saying she's off for today and I guess she was right again, it was time to get over him sincea while ago, but how can you get over of the love of your soul? I keep on asking me the very same questions day after day.

Forever september.

Picture taken by Madelaine Bustamante

I have had these roses since September 2015, the month you asked me to stop writing you, they may seem dead; but they're still alive for me... as long as I can see their crestfallen shape and their lackluster colors, I will continue considering them alive beings. See? Everything concerning you is still alive for me. I keep on finding reasons for us to go on as you, surely, focus on keeping reasons for us not to. It's been more than a year already, I have finally told you I'll set you free and you can't imagine how ridiculously hard it is for me to let you go, even now.

Talking in an unbiased way, I can't do anything but admit my faults, but talking from the inner of my soul I can tell you have a lot to do with the pain I am going through now and even with your own, because I warned you how difficult it'd be to stay with someone like me since the very beginning still you insisted on me trusting you to be the one reaching that goal, and I can't stop blaming me cause you're not here today; I wonder who I blame the most at the end of the day, you or me? I guess it doesn't matter anymore, whether the fault is yours, mine, or simply both, your absence remains the same.

My love for you remains intact, even through everything and everybody. I may have agreed on leaving you in peace, although that would never mean stop loving you; in the end, it's a matter of wish as you say, I have to want and I can't want to make you disappear from the story of my life. It's not about the sadness that I feel now, it's about all the happiness, the joy, the sweetness, the good moments filled with the shine of the pearl that you are. You were, you are and you'll always be such a masterpiece, even if I am not anymore the artwork you want to stay admiring until the last days of your life. You'll always be that empty room that I have inside of me, where I used to have the most beautiful painting, and I go in every day, just to remember how glorious it was to be in your presence.

It may not be the end of the world, but what a splendid world has gone with you!



#UnGiornoTreAutunni

Another kind of love.

Grigio above the bed.

Grigio playing under the table.

A cat? One of all the amazing teachings a cat can give you is patience. See? Cats aren't the kind of animals that trust you easily or give you affection constantly, even if you love them to death! At least that's what I've learned from my own experience. They are afraid and very mistrustful of you, so you have to be incredibly patient, very careful, and constant. There comes a time when they let you love them. They just let themselves be loved by you openly and you can tell you've gained their trust since they're allowing you to be close to them, to touch them, to talk to them, and to love them. But then, the final step, is them loving you back and requesting your love. You have to be extremely thankful for those kinds of moments when they just want you to pamper them a little bit and they get jealous of you with others whether they are people, animals, or even objects. When they claim your attention, that's it, you have to give them all your attention, they won't settle for anything less. People will tell loving a cat, is more a job than anything enjoyable... but it is not, at least for me. Getting a cat's love also means receiving the most real kind of love, loaded with a huge amount of loyalty and exclusivity.

Now, think about the people that are like cats. Do you believe they aren't lovable just because they're a bit hard to love? If you don't make any effort for them, surely they shouldn't make the effort for you either... All I'm trying to say is, I'm not sure about how much you'd deserve that kind of love if you yourself can't give it.

By: Me, who's a cat, but seems like a person.

[I love my cat. I hope he will never get tired of me because even if sometimes he drives me crazy, I can't get enough of him. I will never stop loving him.]

Sounds fair enough

“Let's play this game,” he said trying not to look at her.
“Sure!” She answered excitedly.
“You leave me alone, like seriously alone. In exchange, I may talk to you one day.” He said seriously.
“I don't find such a game funny... but, it sounds fair enough.” She said a bit down, she was conscious of her mistakes and she couldn't do anything else but agree to his conditions one more time.
“Yes? Well, let's say bye now.” He asked immediately before she may change her mind and followed him around again.
“See you.” She said with a fake smile on her face. “It was not the end,” she thought “just the beginning”. It was a matter of patience and her plan was going through it, she just had to focus on her goal. 

His hands

- I love you more than ever. She said looking at his eyes.

- But you have to think about the difficulties we may have. He said serious.

- Instead I just think about the good side, you think then. She said wishing to hug him because it has been ages since the very last time she felt so close to him.

- Then, should I recall all the problems we have had before? He continued

- I want you. I take you with all the problems it may bring me. Now I know in advance what it's on the way for me and I take it. I am not saying it will be easy. I am just saying I can do it, even when I know how hard it is. I may feel tired sometimes, I may make mistakes, but I don't want to give up. She insisted.

- I am not sure about wanting so. Actually I don't. He said looking at her, and even when it sounded hard for her, still she couldn't do nothing but love his insecurities, his decision, his sweetness; because even through all she could see his sensitivity and she was still deeply in love with him and for once and all she was willing to give it all for him.

- It's okay then. She answered.

- It's the best for both of us. He said calmly believing she meant she'll stop.

- I am just going to stay here until you change your mind. I've waited for so long, believe me, I can continue waiting, until the very day you may say that "yes" to me. She said serious but giving a small smile, she was determined this time; he stood there just looking at her, not sure about her intentions, worried about her coming moves, thoughtful about what future may bring.

He started walking out of the room and she stood up as well.

- What are you doing? He asked a bit surprised.

- Following you. She replied.

- I am going to the supermarket, I need some supplies for the kitchen. He told her wishing to stay away from her.

- Perfect, I need something as well. Also I can give you a hand. She said smiling and holding his hand. That surprised him and he got rid of her immediatly.

- I missed your hands. She said a bit embarrased but happily. And he acted like if he didn't listen, he just kept on walking and let her follow him. 

It was the happiest day of her life, it has been forever since the last time she had the chance to be that near to him, to talk to him, to look at him, it was still him! The very same man she fell for, she forgot about when she thought he has gone, he was still there, right in front of her, she was just too blind to see it before, too immature, too silly, too everything; from now on she was going to be more mature, smarter, more everything, so that things may work out, but she was not going to let him go... There was no life out of him, after all that time separated she understood it, and she refused to die, she wanted to live and be happy, next to him, right next to him. Holding that hand of him, the most beautiful hands she has ever seen, his hands, of course, his hands.

Cold house

— “It's a bit cold in here.” He said once he entered the house, shivering a bit.

— “Yes, I'm sorry. I hope you may manage to feel comfortable if you really want to stay.” She said trying to sound sharp.

— “I'll be fine, but don't you have a heating? Usually places as cold as this have one.” He asked.

— “It's broken. The repairer has gone and I am very fond of my heating and repairer, so I learnt to live in with this weather inside. Anyways I have tons of sheet and heavy sweaters here. I hope you've brought your own, sadly I'm very sensitive to cold and if I dare myself to be without any of them; I may get sick and I don't really like doctors so I can end up dying. Still if it's too cold for you and you haven't brought any sweater you can still leave, don't worry.” She said doing all in her hands to push him away.

— “Well... I guess I'll have to go now then. I may not be as sensitive to cold as you but this place feels like the North Pole!” He said smiling and she felt relieved to know she won't have to put all her guards up, even if to be honest it was a bit disappointing to see how easily he gave up.

— “Okay, then.” She said smiling and walked him to the door.
They said goodbye to each other and she sat down on the long white couch calmly, to look at her cold and safe house, the only place in the world where she seem to be secure from any harm. 

She fell asleep thinking about how lucky she was; she never told him about the bedrooms... they were all different, but he'll never know because he left and she wasn't going to ask anyone to stay. No one would ever understand what the disappearance of her repairer meant to her, no one will ever understand what that broken heating was for her.

As sad as it may sound, that coldness used to remind her what happened was real, the pain was a clear sign of its authenticity; and she wasn't trying to turn it down nor cut it up. Whether people who wanted to stay managed to handle such circumstances, or may leave from the same door they came in, because she wasn't going to make it bearable for anyone; considering how unbearable it was at the end for her, if they leave after staying for a long while, like if she means nothing for them.

The next day in the morning someone rang the door, she walked out to the garden and reached the principal door; it was a bit weird since visitors used to come in the afternoon only and for a little while, not in the early morning or the late night. 

— “Good mor...” She said and couldn't finish her sentence as she got in shocked for what she saw.

— “I just went for my own sweater and sheets! So, what's my place in this beautiful but cold home?” He asked while fixing his eyes in hers, letting her know she wouldn't get rid of him as easily as she thought.

I dreamt

- Good morning, beloved brother! Charlotte said with a huge smile all over her little face.

- Good morning. He said looking at her, a bit surprised to see her so cheerful after all these days crying and locked in her room due to Hayes' rumors. He fixed his eyes on her little bag.

- Oh, this? Well, I am going to Hayes today. She said clearly happy. 

- What? Did he send you a message? If he wants to see you why isn't he coming instead though? He asked.

- Well, he didn't exactly asked me to go to him. But last night I dreamt we were together again. I dreamt we talked again and after a small discussion we got to fix things up, so the engagement was on the way for sure. He was so happy, Charles! Like if he really missed me as much as I've been doing all this time! She said brightly.

- No doubt. He said serious.

- I know! He is going to be so happy to see me! After so long without talking to each other! You know I've been too proud to send him any message or meeting him after the last words he told me, but honestly, I believe it's time for me to be honest with my own feelings and meet him so that we can fix everything! She said.

- Charlotte, no doubt you've lost your mind. I was afraid about this moment finally arriving, but it has arrived. I'll need to lock you in a mental hospital, no matter how sad it may be for me. Charles said overwhelmed.

- What's wrong with you, Charles!? I am telling you he misses me and want us to come back together! Why are you against my happiness!? Charlotte said furious.

- In your dream. He emphasized.

- Yes, but I am sure I am right! Right now I will send a letter to the post office, you will see. She said going for a paper to the next room and coming in back immediatly. 

- Charlotte! I need you to come back to your senses! What letter do you want to send!? Haven't you gotten enough after the thousands of letters you've sent him last year!? Or what? His one-letter answer for your millions wasn't enough for you to understand he doesn't want you anymore? You're not sending him anything! You aren't going to contact him! You aren't going to call him! You aren't going to follow him around! You aren't going to ever spend not even a second of your life after him again! If that schmuck doesn't want you anymore you're going to stop wanting him! Even if deep inside you're loving him to dead as usual because that's how stupidly in love with him you are! Charlotte, if he'd want you back, he'd be here! Right here! Apologizing! Explaining himself! He'll be asking you, even begging you if necessary to meet him! But he is not! Your dreams aren't reality! Do you understand!? You better stop dreaming awake, you may not control your dreams when you sleep but at least when you wake up I beg you to maintain your composure. He said tired while Charlotte tears covered all her face after his words brought her back to reality even against her will.

- I was just kidding. She said coldly. I don't care at all for such silly dreams I may have. Tette took her bag and walked back to her room.

- What do you want for dinner, Tette? Charles asked trying to cheer her up somehow.

- Ice cream! This house needs more ice cream and less salty food! She said. It's enough with my tears. She whispered.

- Vanilla ice cream then.

- Chocolate ice cream! She screamed since the stairs.

- But you like vani...

- Hayes likes vanilla not me! 

- Chocolate ice cream then. Take good care of her, Margaret, please. I will go for her ice cream, before the store will be closed. I'll see you both at night. Charles said calmly and got his waistcoat and hat to overcome that cold afternoon of autumn that seem more like winter already.

- Of course, sir. Margaret said while walking upstairs to check on Tette and anything she may need.

Displeasure and a special kind of love.

- I'm getting married! I'm getting married! I'm getting married! Charlotte said upset and crying.

- What? With who? Did Mr. Borlen already talked to you? Her brother asked surprised.

- What?! What are you talking about? I told you to re... Mr. Borlen wants to talk to you? She asked surprised.

- Well, men in the coffee have been talking about he has some kind of special interest in you. I've seen the way he looks at you when you talk to him, even if it's the simplest matter in the world, he seems so curious about your words. He said with bored expression while Tette cleaned her few anger tears.

- Charles! The things I talk about are important and interesting! It's just normal he paying me such attention! Tette became infuriated again.

- Tette, honestly, talking to a man about a breeding center of "bunnies" because your old rabbit died with some strange illness isn't as interesting as you may believe. 

- Anyways! I am getting married to whoever! He is welcome in this house! She said.

- What in heaven's name, Charlotte!? What have you heard about Malkovich now? Did you listen he has been talking to girls in the near town? Have you thought he got engaged again? Is he asking to some family to talk with their daughter? What in the world is going on now? I am so tired to wait for this man to do or not to do in order for you to react! And I never know what to expect from your reactions! Last time you went to his mother town and talked to his mother about a wedding that has been cancelled long time ago! I need you to control yourself! Charles said, now irritated because he knew his sister well and she wasn't really open for a new engagement, she was just letting her anger go with careless words throw in the air, she was clearly displeased.

- I just did because he told me we were going to talk to her last summer but didn't get to do it! You know nothing about us! It is a special kind of love... She said sadly now.

- And yours is a special kind of insanity? He asked still annoyed but more calm, concious about how hard talking about Hayes was for her even after so long, especially after people started talking about some girl talking frequently with him lately.

She just looked at him badly and left the living room. 

- Tette, wait. Charles said but Tette was already running upstairs and locked herself in her room.

- For God's sake, until when? She's a child. He said tired.

She knew her actions weren't normal, she more than anyone knew that well, she herself was ashamed of not being able to control her emotions, not being able to control her actions properly, not even her thoughts, she was tired of her dreams with him even now, she was tired of asking about him in every meeting, she was done with herself. She wished she can stop herself because all this was ruining her, taking away all her youth and driving her closer and closer to "insanity". 

 She knew even the same Hayes was annoyed by her constant persuit... it was just hard for her to admit the same man once told her he was going to make her his wife and will treat her the way she deserves to be treated, was the same man today was telling people she has lost her mind since the engagement got broken. She couldn't admit such level of insensitivity in the man she once loved to death... 

She was sure about there were still some pieces of that beautiful love they once seemed to share, but it was obvious that love was fading away little by little even if against her own will, all his words, attitudes and actions were finally killing that irrational love she had for him... though was it really fading away? or was that just something she was trying hard to believe in order to stop looking for him? Even that was deeply painful for Tette, she didn't feel she was ready to let him go, to let that love go even if he himself went away long time ago, with her heart in his bag.

Stranger

- Am I a summer day for you then?
- You're the 367th day of the year: a day which doesn't exist in this world (you're surely from another one), but which is the most beautiful and lucky day of the year.

Thank God I wasn't a summer day, otherwise you'll be missing a day in your calendar. I guess you were right about your definition "a day which doesn't exist in this world", because now I am a day that doesn't exist in your world. Anyways it doesn't really matter now actually. 

And I'm still mad at you, I'm not forgiving you for the last words you said to me; you did a great job, congratulations. This is how heavy your words are for me, your words in the past and even your words in the present, you've been careful with them? Ha, yeah, right. I told you so many times you were going to leave in the end, but you insist about you wouldn't... excuse me, where are you now? Right, you're not here.

When I think carefully about all the things you said, I told myself that's part of the past... you said them because you felt them back them; but, you don't anymore, so you weren't lying, it's just a different time now, a new chapter in our lifes where we're not entangled anymore.

But why did you say all the things you said in first place if you couldn't get to do it? But I'm the liar one, right? Right. I hope you never read this, I hope you won't ever check on me... Because from now on, I doutb myself writing anything sweet about you and I'm afraid my words can get to hurt you as deep as yours hurt me, everything has turn bitter when it comes to you. 

The only sweet thing I can say to you, is the very same thing you said to me: "I wish you to live a happy life". I will stay here missing the old you, the one I met, the one that made me believe him, the one I fell in love with... Because you, the one you're now... are a stranger for me.

So The Elephants March (Dancing the Dream)

Picture by Madelaine Bustamante

A curious fact about elephants is this: In order to survive, they mustn't fall down. Every other animal can stumble and get back up again. But an elephant always stands up, even to sleep. If one of the herd slips and falls, it is helpless. It lies on its side, a prisoner of its own weight. Although the other elephants will press close around it in distress and try to lift it up again, there isn't usually much they can do. With slow heaving breaths, the fallen elephant dies. The others stand vigil, then slowly move on.

This is what I learned from nature books, but I wonder if they are right. Isn't there another reason why elephants can't fall down? Perhaps they have decided not to. Not to fall down is their mission. As the wisest and most patient of the animals, they made a pact -- I imagine it was eons ago, when the ice ages were ending. Moving in great herds across the face of the earth, the elephants first spied tiny men prowling the tall grasses with their flint spears.
"What fear and anger this creature has," the elephants thought. "But he is going to inherit the earth. We are wise enough to see that. Let us set an example for him."

Then the elephants put their grizzled heads together and pondered. What kind of example could they show to man? They could show him that their power was much greater that his, for that was certainly true. They could display their anger before him, which was terrible enough to uproot whole forests. Or they could lord it over man through fear, trampling his fields and crushing his huts.
In moments of great frustration, wild elephants will do all of these things, but as a group, putting their heads together, they decided that man would learn best from a kinder message.

"Let us show him our reverence for life," they said. And from that day on, elephants have been silent, patient, peaceful creatures. They let men ride them and harness them like slaves. They permit children to laugh at their tricks in the circus, exiled from the great African plains where they once lived as lords.
But the elephants' most important message is in their movement. For they know that to live is to move. Dawn after dawn, age after age, the herds march on, one great mass of life that never falls down, an unstoppable force of peace.

Innocent animals, they do not suspect that after all this time, they will fall from a bullet by the thousands. They will lie in the dust, mutilated by our shameless greed. The great males fall first, so that their tusks can be made into trinkets. Then the females fall, so that men may have trophies. The babies run screaming from the smell of their own mothers' blood, but it does them no good to run from the guns. Silently, with no one to nurse them, they will die, too, and all their bones bleach in the sun.

In the midst of so much death, the elephants could just give up. All they have to do is drop to the ground. That is enough. They don't need a bullet: Nature has given them the dignity to lie down and find their rest. But they remember their ancient pact and their pledge to us, which is sacred.
So the elephants march on, and every tread beats out words in the dust: "Watch, learn, love. Watch, learn, love." Can you hear them? One day in shame, the ghosts of ten thousand lords of the plains will say, "We do not hate you. Don't you see at last? We were willing to fall, so that you, dear small ones, will never fall again."

— Michael Jackson

Things happen.

- A man came to ask for your hand, Miss Charlotte. The maid said.

- What!? Tette said in deep anger. What have you said, Margaret? She insisted.

- Your brother is talking with him right now. It seems he met you at the library and fell in love.

Charlotte tried to think fast over the people she may talked to in the library and she remember a good looking man asking for her recommendations over what to read in the romance section which was her favorite. She could never imagined such person would dare to come to her house and even ask for her hand in such way. She was walking to her room when the doors of her father's office in the middle of the living room, opened up and her brother appeared up with a huge smile and called her.

- Tette! Come here, dear. Come here. Meet this wonderful gentleman! Mr. Marthon, he is the owner of a library chain. To be more specific the one you like the most!

- Good afternoon, sir. She said with total annoyance in her face. Mr. Marthon got a bit surprised, it was the first time he'll meet her without a shining smile over her pretty face, when she was in his library she seemed happy and excited the whole time... Maybe cause of the books she was reading... Once he thought that it was maybe, just maybe, because of him; he was sure about it wasn't like that now.

- Good afternoon, Miss Charlotte. It's a pleasure to meet you here. I hope this won't stop you from going to the library. You see, things like this happen... He said with some embarrassment.

- I have no idea about what you're talking about, sir. I guess you can update me about the news. She said calmly but with a tone that hides anger and displeasure.

- I guess your brother will let you know, my lady. I will get going. It's almost dinner time and it's getting dark outside. He said in a hurry.

- Oh, dear friend! I thought you would stay for dinner, at least. What a pity you're leaving so soon... Oh Tette, take off that face of yours. Smile a bit. You're scaring our guest. Her brother said playfully and that only made her ever angrier.

- I believe if he wants to go you should allow it, dear brother. You're just putting him in an uncomfortable situation. She said sharply.

- It's not like that. Her brother said getting finally serious.

- I will go now, Mr. Bukow. Thanks for meeting me. Good afternoon. He said and left the living room as fast as possible.

- But what's wrong with you? Charles asked once Mr. Marthon left. You should treat with more kindness to a guest. He claimed a bit mad.

- He came asking for my hand!? How dare you to even receive him in the house? What am I going to do if Hayes asked once people start to talk about it? Rumors run fast! Charlotte cried with deep anger.

- Charlotte, he hasn't even talked to you in the last months. What are you talking about, sister? You even said yourself it was over. Charles said making fun of her own words even when he knew well his sister would keep on thinking and talking about him to Margaret.

- I prohibite you to ever let any man into our house when you already know his intentions. She said crying.

- You can't prohibite me anything, Tette. Instead of giving me such orders you should clear up your heart and get over such man. Mr. Marthon is a good man, in fact. Don't worry I didn't accept anything, I just talked to him. If any other man ask for your hand it'll be exactly the same, I will only talk to him and always get to know whether you have some interest in him or not. You can't keep on thinking about a man that doesn't want you anymore for the rest of your life. You're too precious, Tette. He said now holding her hand affectionately.

- How can you know if he doesn't love me anymore? She asked looking at him in the eyes, because deep inside she felt Hayes love for her was still alive even through all.

- It doesn't matter if he deos or not, Charlotte. If the man already gave up, it's not worthy. He doesn't deserve for you to wait for him, until he has the guts to get you back. He said annoyed now.

- But... She said feeling guilty.

- No "but's" Charlotte. I don't want you to explain me his reasons anymore, I don't need to listen your faults anymore. Because it doesn't matter how it happened, he left the battlefield and it doesn't matter all the qualities you may find in him, he stopped deserving you the moment he left that door after cancelling the engagement. I don't care what you did, I know you. If you did anything to hurt that man feelings in any way, he still had to endure it to have you in his life, if he isn't here today it means it wasn't worthy for him; and he shouldn't be worthy for you, damn it! It's over, Charlotte! So you better start opening your eyes and heart to other options, because life is just beginning for you and you're an amazing woman. I would never give you to anyone against your will, but know that I will also never allow myself to give your hand again to a man that lack worth to me, I wouldn't make that mistake twice! You're my sister and my responsability. He said tired and Charlotte just looked at him surprised for his commitment and the sweetness of his love. He seriously was the best brother she could ask for, even when many times she could behave like the cruelest sister for him.

- Fine then. It was all she said while she walked to him and hugged him tight.

There is nothing to be afraid of, Tette Bukow. How could you while having a fair God and such a brother by your side? She thought for herself and gave herself strength and peace.

Written September 12nd 2016
Completed October 1st 2016

Different "roses"

Drawing and Picture by Madeline Bustamante

Dear little prince, 

    I wonder if my rose is as beautiful as yours... Surely his prickles hurt deeper than your rose's thorns. 

Libertades

Y me pides que me calle, 

que guarde silencio, 

que me apague, 

que desaparezca de tu vida, 

que te deje en paz, 

de una buena vez. 

Pago por ver esa fría vida,

de absoluto silencio 

en la que estás acostumbrado a vivir;

Pago por ver la dicha

de la que parecen envueltos tus días

sin la molestia de mi sentir.

No te culpo por anhelar libertad

te culpo, por siempre, por las cadenas...

Esas prisiones por las que me inculpaste

que aun hoy me pesan,

esas que dijiste, se debían solo a mí

¡Te culpo por mentir!

Y me pregunto qué quieres

Si hablo, soy vil

Si callo, soy ruin

Si soy y si no soy...

¡En tu tierra no hay perdón!

Pero mi fe es la del rigor, ¿no?

Me pides silencio...

Silencio, silencio, silencio

¡Silencio en la corte!

El juez, la víctima y el testigo

Ha pedido silencio;

Regocíjate con tu terreno baldío.

Me pregunto por qué lloro,

Perdona ¿Está permitido llorar?

En la oscuridad de tus paisajes

Donde me siento a perderme

Lejos de mi luz y mi gloria

Cerca tan solo de mi perdición.

Delirante obsesión,

¡Una loca, una maldita loca!

Y, a la vez, tu mayor logro...

Silencio... Sí, entiendo. Silencio

Me retiro, he desarreglado mucho

Disfruta los gritos de tu alma

Me llevo, conmigo, tu paz interior.

— Madelaine Bustamante.

Amandola

- ¡Espera! Ella gritó pero yo no podía parar de correr, tenía que escaparme antes de que sus mentiras me anclaran a su lado una vez más. Sin importar cuan dulce pareciese, cargaba en su boca el arma más letal que jamás he conocido.

- ¡Detente! Gritó una vez más y su voz parecía cansada, una parte de mí esta preocupado por su bienestar, me exigía volver para hacerla descansar, tomarle el pulso, asegurarme de que no se estaba sobre esforzando; pero otra parte de mí, la que me había mantenido con vida hasta ahora, me decía que no me detenga, era parte de mi supervivencia el alejarme de ella y del veneno mortal que conlleva cada una de sus palabras.

- ¡Oye! Vuelve. Dijo agotada, escuche cómo sus pasos cesaron detrás de mí y mis ojos me traicionaron, sentí como mi corazón se estrujaba una y otra vez; porque a pesar de todo, y por encima de todo, yo la amaba... Pero ella no parecía tener verdaderas intenciones amarme, no sé en qué momento empece a darme cuenta de que no me amabas en realidad, no sé en qué momento me desperté del sueño en el que me habían sumergido sus palabras; pero supongo que todo empezó cuando sus silencios comenzaron a extenderse a lo largo de nuestra platicas, donde solo percibía ecos del amor que me profesaba en el pasado, pero necio como siempre me negaba a dejar ir lo único que hasta el momento sentía me mantenía con vida: Ella.

Deje de correr porque ya no tenía sentido seguir haciéndolo, ella ya no estaba ahí amenazándome con su tierna sonrisa y el precioso sonido de su risa: con hacerme caer una vez más en su trampa, en la cual irremediablemente caería si me quedaba a su lado; porque con ella me pierdo... es extraño pensar cómo era ella siempre quién decía haberse perdido en mí tras conocerme, pero era yo quién quería volver y gritarle "¡Yo también me perdí! Yo también me perdí a mí mismo en ti!" Ni siquiera entiendo por qué me tomaba el tiempo de negarlo, no sé por qué me lo preguntaba siquiera. Probablemente ella quería hacerme caer en sus juegos mentales; porque más allá de todo, ella era un especie de bruja descorazonada, con un montón de embrujos bajo la manga, que me hacían: volverme loco, desconocerme, odiarme, anularme, todo el tiempo... empiezo a pensar que todo fue planeado. 

No habían pasado ni diez minutos cuando recibí un mensaje de texto de ella:

"Ya te extraño, mi amor. ¿Por qué te echaste a correr? No logre alcanzarte, sabes lo lenta que soy... ¡Yo soy chiquita! Y tú demasiado grande. Avísame donde encontrarnos. Te amo". 

Parecía dulzura, juro que parecía dulzura, pero parecía, solo parecía... porque lo suyo era maldad pura ¡era un engaño! La mentira más grande disfrazada ¡Pero que dulces suenan sus engaños inclusive! Aun cuando ya estoy enterado de lo que realmente son; sigue sonando como una melodía hermosa cada cosa que ella dice... 

Nunca sentí tanto miedo por mí mismo, como el miedo que su sola existencia me generaba. Sabía que no iba a ser fácil, que de ahora en adelante no pararía, que no había poder humano que la haga desistir de su cometido más que el de su propia voluntad. De repente sentí que la frialdad propia de mi alma recubría mi corazón, por ilógico que sonase me sentía abandonado aun cuando era yo dejándola y no al contrario. Empece a odiarla, tan extenso como fue mi amor por ella logró ser mi odio, porque se iba con ella lo mejor de mí, mis últimos restos de humanidad; y porque ella era lo mejor que jamás me había pasado, porque tan miserable e inmunda sentía mi existencia que aun algo tan corrupto, falso y desquiciadamente enfermo como ella era la cosa más linda que jamás me había sucedido... a pesar de todo, y por encima de todo ella seguía siendo mi única oportunidad de saborear un poco la dulzura de la vida en mis días tan llenos de amargura y tristeza, porque independientemente de todo debo admitir que yo... la sigo amando.