Precious.

I couldn't look him in the eyes anymore. He was screaming, nearly crying, and showing himself so vulnerable in front of me... I could only pity myself over the disgusting kind of person I was according to his words, his anger, his pain, and his pride.

- Talk to me! Is this all I am for you? Pretty much nothing, to the point of being ignored and treated like a piece of garbage! He said prey of anguish and impotence.

- I'm sorry. That was all I could say while showing myself cold and careless, kind of disconnected; even when there was rain inside of me with so many thunders threatening with put me down, consuming the last piece of energy that remained in my legs.

He looked at me with so much hatred; I could swear if his eyes were a fire gun, I would've died at that moment but, his eyes weren't done to kill bodies but souls... which is even worse and I lost my soul right away. 

I've lost my heart in his hands and my soul in his eyes... There's nothing left for me, nothing but the memory of those captivating eyes of him, nothing but the memory of those beautiful hands of him... nothing but his memory, his precious memory. I guess that's all I deserve.

Written: July 2015

Selfishness

- Will you be fine? She asked worriedly.

- I am fine. She answered looking at the floor, as if she wasn't there for real, with her head in another place apparently, without life.

- You've been on the bed the last couple of days and it's not exactly out of joy.

- It doesn't mean I am not fine anyways. She said coldly.

- Yes? When was the last time you ate without vomiting? When was the last time you slept without waking up in the middle of the night? When was the last time you spent a whole day without waiting for a call or a message from him!? For God's sake, you're destroying yourself for that man! She said frustrated, not being able to make her understand how dangerous was her situation.

- It's okay, don't worry. She said with a raspy voice and started coughing, so Leticia handed her a hanky and before she could cover her mouth, Leticia saw the blood drizzling and fell in shock.

- Ca... Ca... Catalina... What's going on? Leticia asked with pretty open eyes while Catalina tried covering the blood in her hanky.

- I was coughing. She seemed more present now and finally worried, even if not for the same reasons that Leticia did.

- I have seen blood! Blood! What are you doing to yourself, Catalina? I prohibit it! I definitely prohibit it! Leticia said and started crying wildly while moving her hands up and down looking all around the place not knowing what to do, feeling impotent in front of such a scene.

- I am killing myself, Leticia. And you don't have to put blame on him, because even before him everything was messed up inside of me. He came dressed up like life, he was strong, he was hope himself even when he'd claim I... She laugh and then said ironically. I was hopeful in his life. And the tears appeared up silently. He has always been light, while I am darkness. 

- Oh dear, dear Catalina. I beg you, I beg you to stop doing this. For the love you have for me, for your family, for your friends, stop it. I beg you. Leticia said and got on her knees in front of her while holding her hands, as deep as her love was, as deep as her pain was.

- Leticia... Thanks for staying with me when everybody else left... Thank you for staying even when he, who I love the most, has left. Thank you and I am sorry since I couldn't get enough strength to face such a world, to hold in myself such sorrow of his absence. See, dear? I am tired of trying, my body has gotten enough, my heart bleeds more and more every day and my eyes have forgotten what rest is. And Leticia couldn't understand how a human being could be so selfish, so heartless at the point of leaving a person in such a state even after moaning... and for a second she saw Catalina smiling next to him, she saw her making plans, she saw her fighting against her own monsters and then she saw her crying frantically, she saw her begging him not to abandon her, she saw her writing thousands of letters, she saw her destroyed and she understand Catalina's heartache, she finally understood it all... and how painful understanding was!

- I am sorry for your loss, Catalina. She said while calming down and standing up to make a cup of tea for Catalina. But I beg you not to bring the same kind of pain you hold in your breast to my life. Leticia said while drying her tears.

- Turn up the volume. Catalina asked and Leticia did it obediently.

They both didn't talk about the matter anymore but Leticia prayed Catalina would think about the matter and make one last effort to stay alive, to live; she wanted to be next to her to show her to live for real, without pain, for once.

*music* 
Te voglio bene assai...
ma tanto, tanto bene sai,
è una catena ormai
e scioglie il sangue dint'e vene sai ♪♫

- It's a beautiful song. Catalina said while looking at the radio and finally drawing a real, but melancholic, smile over her tired face.

- Beautiful and sad. Leticia answered looking at her instead.

- Do you think he will ever come back, Let? She asked with a sweet tone, looking at Leticia.

- But darling, he is right here, with you. He has left without himself, he must be all alone by now. Maybe he is missing himself. Leticia answered trying to act joyful with a playful attitude and then caressed Catalina's hair. Catalina closed her eyes smiling, with a little piece of hope while imagining him coming back to her and saying he missed her, he missed himself, he missed them... even if he could never miss all that in the same way she does.

The art of letting go.

- Paolo! She said with the biggest smile a girl can draw on her face.

- Cutie. He said smiling tenderly to her.

- Oh God! I missed you so bad, I can't believe you're back. She said while tons of tears cover her cheeks.

- Back? He asked surprised & for a minute she felt how the world destroy all her hopes one more time.

- But when did I leave? He said with that funny tone of him & she hugged him. Could this last forever? She asked to herself while begging to the Lord they could stay like that forever...

But, since you can only have a little bit of the best things of life, her alarm clock woke her up fading cruelly her dreams. “Sometimes you just can't have what you want, what you want is not always for you.” She said smiling sadly and how hard was for her to learn that lesson, how hard it really was, how hard it still is... She hasn't learnt yet, even through all, the art of letting go.

I miss you, twinklepearl. I love you so much.

Te vomito. #LosHorroresDeMiVida

— “Pero ¿Qué haces?” Preguntó él horrorizado al verla pálida mientras se apretujaba el estómago, para posteriomente empezar a vomitar.

— “Te vomito”. Fue todo lo que ella dijo antes de seguir. ¡Ah! Y que bien que se sentía finalmente deshacerse de él y de toda esa inmundicia que había traído a su vida.

#LosHorroresDeMiVida

------------------------------

— “But, what are you doing?” He asked horrified to see her pale while squeezing her stomach, to start vomiting after that.

— “I vomit you.” It was all she said before continuing. Ah! And how good it feels finally getting rid of him and of all the filth he had brought to her life.

#TheHorrorsOfMyLife

-----------------------------

— “Ma, cosa fai?” Chiese lui inorridito di vederla pallida mentre schiacciava il suo stomaco iniziando a vomitare dopo.

— “Ti vomito” Era tutto quello che lei disse prima di continuare. Ah! e come si sentiva bene finalmente liberandosi di lui e di tutta la sporcizia che ha portato nella sua vita.

#GliOrroriDellaMiaVita

You and that pretty face of yours.

You wanted to know my reasons, the reasons of an absurd like me. How could you expect a sensible answer from such an illogical monster like me? I mean, you said I'm not from this world, so I'm probably a monster dressed up like a person; that's the only thing that gives sense, in my head, to your words. 

Thank God you saved yourself from me. I told you since the beginning, it was weird someone like you liking someone like me... I mean, I even asked you if you were sure about it tons of times, hopefully now you'll have a better life, more expectations... cause with me you didn't have anything... just worries. 

Anyways, can I live in your country? Can I learn your language? Can I adopt kids and call them by the names you wanted? Can I have a life with you even without you? I know it sounds crazy and nonsense, but you know... I am not the most sane person in the world, so after all it makes some sense if I say it, cause it becomes possible, doesn't it? 

I'm tired... I feel sick as heck, I wish I can sleep more and miss you less, I wish I can smile more and cry less, I wish... I wish so many things and for some reasons they're all linked to you. I'm afraid... I'm so afraid. 

Caro Leonard... Guardare la vita in faccia sempre.

Per sempre gli anni che abbiamo trascorso, 

per sempre gli anni, 

per sempre l'amore; 

per sempre, le ore...

- Virginia Woolf.