FOREVER.

Well... thinking about the forever I always asked you to give me... I guess you did what you could, just like me, I did what I could... and at the end this happened to be our little forever.
I believe a longer forever would have been more beautiful, but at the same time more chaotic, after all the fact of coming from two different worlds have ending up affecting us.
I guess things will remain like this, You with Mars and Venus with Me. I will continue visiting your planet, just to make myself yourself about you're fine. We're going to be fine... we're going to get it, even if in different roads. 

May God, praise be upon Him, help us. (Yes, Me and You, even if you wouldn't admit His Existence.)

The days without you.

I find love pathetic. Extremely pathetic.

The way you can't live without that person

How you need insanely that person

And you feel you disappear without him

How you love the same way you breathe

Like if the “one soul two bodies” really exists!

Maybe I hate love! So dependent!

Yes, it's also shinning and colorful

It may have rainbows and flying hearts;

But it's so painful... so dark somehow.

And I am so pathetic, so depending...

How can people fall out of love?

I mean, falling in love just happens

But falling out of love?

Does that just happens as well?

How many days does it last?

Loving sounds like a disease

Like a virus that sicken all your being

So but so powerful that reachs your soul

Am I losing my mind?

Or did love take it away from me?

At this point of my life I doubt everything.

But is it just me or everybody?

I mean, is all this normal?

How can I see his face the way I see the sky?

How can I listen his voice like the best melody?

How can I read his words like poems?

How can I think of him like a charming prince?

Is it just me having this love that eats me?

Or is it everyone in love going through the same?

I've forgotten what life without him is...

And I live without living, no meaning here

I think I haven't just lost him... I lost me as well.

Now

And I'm going to destroy myself as I was doing before you coming in. I'm going to cut my arms in pieces, I'm going to break my neck, I'm going to damage my stomach, I'm going to do to my body all what has been done to my soul, until it can no more, until it'll free my soul from the burden of life. 

Oh, dear mind, so many times you warn my heart about the damn of love, yet I fell the same, I feel the same... I got trapped in his eyes, I made a fool of myself cause of the way he acts, dear Lord! I've wronged me, probably with the most painful love. How I wish I could take my heart out from my breast, so that the pain may stop contaminating my whole self, but... How could this be the ending of my days? 

So kill me, kill me, let my hands to the dirty job, make me bleed & suck my blood, let me with nothing, I won't feel the loss, how could I? Just how? When I've lost it all in those hands of his that have my life and my beating heart.

Let me die peacefully, let me die now...

Todo menos eso.

Y en un abrir y cerrar de ojos perdí todo cuanto amaba... mi existencia misma se deslizaba entre mis manos para seguirlo, negándose a quedarse conmigo y pegándose a él pese a ser aborrecida... nunca pude entenderme menos que en esos momentos, cuando él se alejaba y yo corría tras él sin correr, porque no me iba ni me quedaba, iba tras él corriendo con todas mis fuerzas ahí parada, estática. 

Y no podía culparlo por no entender pero nunca podría perdonarlo por haberse ido, podía perdonarle todo menos el irse, menos el cambiarme, menos el abandonarme, podía incluso arremeter contra mí y dejarme al borde de la muerte física, pero nunca al borde de esta muerte emocional con la que tengo que vivir eternamente, me rehusaba a darle el perdón ante un acto tan detestable, porque independientemente de sus miles de razones "justificadas", para mí nada justificaba que me deje; y, si muriese en mi delante y por eso me dejáse, ni siquiera eso sería perdonable. Porque podría perdonarle que me corte un brazo, una pierna, la lengua, los ojos incluso, que me lastime una y otra vez hasta hacerme pedazos, que me odie a ratos siempre y cuando vuelva a amarme, pero nunca que me deje... Podía perdonarle todo menos que se vaya... menos que me deje en este lugar frío y oscuro en el que me encontró... porque cree castillos en el aire gracias a su presencia y han desaparecido, se desvanecen con su ausencia. 

Graphic Description of Love.

¿Ha sido mi decisión? Nada en esta vida ha sido decisión mía, todo me viene decidido, hasta su entrada y salida... Sin embargo yo, tan insolente, tan terca, tan obstinada, tan arrogante... siempre creyendo que puedo hacer cuanto me viene en gana ¡Ilusa! Ya no tienes nada, nada más que las lágrimas que no dejan de caer ante la perdida de todo, ante la vuelta a la nada, la nada con tanto sentido sin sentido en la que vivo.

En pedazos.

Desgárrame el alma con cada palabra como solo tú tienes permitido hacerlo. Después de todo eres tú, solo tú, el único.

Mine

And I engraved my name
all over your house,
just in case you ever dare to leave me
or kick me out;
you won’t be able to forget me…
not even if you want.

Am I a bad woman?
Or have I just loved you too bad?
Is this even “love”?
Or just an insane wish to have you mine?


I have engraved my name in all your walls…
With the blood of my veins,
with the blood of my heart,
And if I ever leave…
Even if I dare to die by my own hand!
You’re not allowed to forget me,
you’ll remain always mine.



— Madelaine Bustamante

(July 2015)