Cuántas faltas.

¿Respeto? Entonces quieren decir que ¿me respetan pero no toman en consideración alguna la importancia de mis creencias? ¿Debería simple y llanamente hacer caso omiso a sus violaciones a mi libertad? ¿Realmente han llegado a creer que sus creencias, por ser suyas, valen más que las mías, por ser mías? 

Las cosas como pueden llegar a ser... tan absurdas hasta la médula; vivimos en una época tal donde la tolerancia hacia otros cultos no existe para la mayor parte de la población aunque las leyes dictan lo contrario. No sé qué sea del resto del mundo, pero al menos en donde yo vivo la tolerancia en ese aspecto es ciertamente superficial, la gente se contradice a sí misma, aceptan unas cosas y rechazan otras, de manera que ni aceptan todo ni rechazan nada, están cobijados bajo su cómoda zona de confort: en el medio; en un estado-neutro donde creen estar bien, pero están perdidos y seguirán así porque no creen necesitar despertarse.

¿Quitarme esos tabús? Mientras sea yo quién viva “bajo esos tabús” debería estar bien, porque tengo entendido que mis derechos terminan donde empiezan los suyos, pero no me veo sobrepasando los míos y alterando ninguno suyo.

¿Sus festividades? Adelante ¿Sus rezos? Cosa suya ¿Sus costumbres? Mientras no me vea obligada a seguirlas si no quiero ¡Sigan! ¿Pero qué se han creído? Repito, sus derechos acaban donde empiezan los míos. Y soy libre de hacer lo que considere correcto, tanto como lo son ustedes.

De repente me vi rodeada de personas que quieren que los respete pero no me respetan... ya sé que no pienso como ellos, que nuestras opiniones varían, que nuestras dogmas son diferentes, pero sigo siendo parte de ustedes y ustedes siguen siendo parte de mí... ¿Cómo vivimos entonces? ¿En qué momento estos desencuentros se vuelven en recuerdos grotescos del pasado y dejan de repetirse? Porque insisto en que: no estoy perjudicando a nadie... tal vez mis decisiones lleguen a lastimarlos y mis afirmaciones los dejen desconcertados; pero, sigue siendo la forma de vida que yo he escogido, sin embargo, volvemos a esos puntos en los que soy tan pequeña que aun no puedo pensar por mí misma. Es extraño como para otras cosas en cambio, estoy tan pasada en sabiduría que, no saber es una burla de mi parte. 

¿Pero dónde estamos? ¿En qué momento empece a ser una persona sin voz? ¿Fue cuando me cambie de religión? ¿O cuando ustedes decidieron que mi voz no valía más? Pero ¿Quién me ha quitado mis alas? ¿Mis creencias o sus prejuicios para la misma? 

What?

She was trying to go down the streets all drunk and dopey, with all her make up undone cause of her tears, she could barely walk... she was almost crawling in fact, she was so mad with everybody, but especially with herself, it was the first time she tasted alcohol and it was horrible certainly yet she wanted to try, she wanted to forget everything for a little as everybody told her alcohol will do. The past day was probably the worst of her whole life.

[Two days before]

The phone rings while she was in the break of the practice for her show, she looked at the locked screen and took the call.

- Hi! She said and big smiled appear on her face.

- Hey... He replied with a turned off voice. She knew there was something wrong, she knew it since a while ago but she wasn't brave enough to talk about it, she just wanted to let it be, she was waiting it'll be just a matter of time til things get back to normal, but things were turning in a way no one imagine, at least not her.

- How... how are you? She said in a normal tone of voice trying to look calm so he won't feel pity for her.

- I'm doing well. Jey there's something I need to talk with you about.

- Sure, no problem. Is there any cool surprise for me? She said joking but he didn't laugh.

- Tomorrow at the coffee next to your house at eleven a.m. Is it okay for you?

- Yeah. She said now acting as cold as him.

- Okay. Bye then.

- Goodbye Arvad.

She couldn't even slept that night, she was worried to death... and even when she told herself over and over again it was probably a simple joke of him, she was already crying wishing everything'll be fine.

[Next day in the morning, at the coffee]

- What? She said aloud with a shaken face. She was wearing a black and white outfit, black jean, white t shirt and black jacket and white converses.

- Yeah, I'm leaving. My father just told me he got a job for me in this company so I'll take this chance. He answered calmly. He was wearing an immaculate suit, grey pants and waiscoat, and black shirt and classical mocassins.

- Well, that's pretty cool yet I'm not asking about the job but about you and I talking no more. What the heck are you talking about? She asked angrily.

- I need you to calm down.

- I am calm, can you see my freaking face? I'm perfectly calm, a not calm me would slapping you to death so you may come back to your senses. She said staring at him. And he laughed a little bit.

- It's over, Jey. He announced looking at his almost empty cup of tea with milk.

- What's over exactly Ar? She asked smiling spitefully now.

- Everything. I mean, you and I.

- You and I? She asked with a surprise face.

- Yeah. He said this time a bit ashamed starting to think he was actually saying nonsense since she wasn't understanding him.

- There's nothing, before, now or later. And will never be. She said cutting the air with her words and breathing hardly.

- Right. He concluded ashamed but serious and cutting.

- I guess we're done here and you have nothing else to say. I'm leaving first. She said and left the place after thraw him a hard look.

She was walking back to her house but then she thought about all the questions her mom will do and how mad her father will get after seeing her crying over him so she kept on walking without a direction til she found that bar where she lost herself. It was fine anyways, to crawl and vomit was fine, her head was so heavy and she was feeling she'll die at any moment, her whole body was in such a terrible state that her heartache was nothing but a bittersweet mouthful...

She had no idea about how she reached home, the last she remembered was getting into a taxi and giving him her address before she continue vomiting out of the window; thank God she did that at least.

- So is everything clear now?

- It is.

- Did you seriously get I meant? Said a man with a strong face looking her in a hard way.

- Yes, sir. 

- Perfect. Her father said and left the house.

- You know he's doing all these just because he loves you... His mom said looking at her worrily.

- For the first time, I know mom, I really know. She replied and smiled.

The times goes on and the years passed away, she met someone who helped her to build up everything the other person destroyed; thanks to her family and her fiancee she was a new person and she was ready to give the next step, marry him and have a family, all on her own.

They were lay down on the grass looking at the stars that fantastic night and he asked her:

- Do you really want this?

- Yes.

- I hope so. And she smiled, why does he doubt so much? Maybe because he could never forget how hard it was for her to stand up again and he could never imagine he would get it.

Two months later before the wedding Arvad came back... after three years without seeing each other he just appeared up again knocking her door like if nothing has happened, like if nothing has changed.

- Hey girl. He said with a half smile when she opened the door, he was holding something in his arms...

It's okay if it hurts sometimes.

She was crying and crying and crying... I  couldn't help it but feel sad for her, why was that child crying all alone there? I walked towards her and I found out a woman looking at her in the corner while she was talking with other women, I guess it was her mother; instead of walking to the little girl I went to her mother then.

- Good morning madam.

- Good morning young laddy. She said kind of smiling to me.

- Is that your child? I asked while pointing out the baby girl.

- Yes. She replied. I waited for a few seconds but she didn't say nothing else so I continued.

- She is crying, maybe you can't see since here...

- I can. I know she's crying at the moment but she'll gradually stop.

I couldn't believe it! So there was a mom seeing her child crying and not moving for it, it was just incredible for me, I couldn't even understand her type of heart! Maybe I was over reacting though, children cry over anything... maybe it wasn't a big deal.

- She just lost her teddy & she has been crying for days now. She cries for a while, yet you'll see her playing around again. The thing is my dear, that the teddy she lost was very important for her so no one actually knows how she lost it and she doesn't want to tell me. I've thought about getting her a new one, but whenever I get one she rejected it, so lady, what to do? At least I should let her cry as she wants. The mother said and I saw a shadow of sadness over her face, certainly I judged her way too fast and wrongly.

- I see, would you mind if I talk to her? I requested.

- You should ask her instead. It's okay with me in any case. She answered.

I walked towards the child, yet I wasn't sure about how to manage it. I haven't had my own children yet... how could I explain her that God knows better why the teddy is not by her side anymore? I had to try anyways, it was my duty, my duty as future mother.

- Hi. I told her.

- Hello. She replied and smiled.

- How are you beautiful? 

- I am fine, thank you. And you? She said looking at me and cleaning her tears, yet the sadness was still all drawn over her tiny face.

- I am fine, thank God. Are you seriously fine? 

- Yes. She told me and I wasn't sure about asking but I insited.

- But... I saw you crying some minutes ago.

- Yes, but I am fine. 

- Why were you crying then? I was starting to get curious over her answer.

- Because I miss him.

- Who?

- Him.

- Who is he? 

- My teddy. She said and tear fell down, I just hated myself for insisting.

- I am sorry I guess you don't really want to talk about him.

- I can't get him back. She said now crying frantically.

- Why? Have you lost him? Where did it happen? Maybe we can look for him together.

- He left me. She said and fixed me with her gaze.

- How? It was all I could said, how can a teddy leave a person? It wasn't making any sense to me.

- He stopped playing with me, he started playing more with her. He stopped talking to me and started talking to her. He stopped calling me and started calling her. He stopped loving me and now he just love her. She said and couldn't keep on talking because she was in deep pain. I could see it! I could see it! Yet I couldn't understand her... what was she talking about... who left to who? I was confused and feeling like a real fool not understanding a child. I just remained by her side because I couldn't understand and just repeated her words in my head "stopped playing with me", "stopped talking to me", "stopped calling me", "stopped loving me"... And without any intention he appeared up in my mind, it seems that the little girl called him and asked him to come back here and embed me a knife one more time in the same place it used to be, I thought after two years his memory was sleeping peacefully in a far away place inside of me, but he was just there right now, in front of me, he stopped "playing with me" one more time, he stopped talking to me one more time, he stopped calling me one more time and yes, he stopped loving me. Then there I was crying because I lost my best friend one more, but did I actually lose him? Yes, but just because he left me. I was so focused in my thought that I couldn't see how the kid stopped crying and now she was just looking at me really worried.

- Are you okay? She said. I tried to speak but I was just crying frantically as she was a few minutes ago and couldn't say a word out of the pain I was feeling at that very moment without him.

She took my hand in her little hands and prayed: "Dear God, she just lost a teddy like me. Please make her understand that this teddy wasn't for her but for another child and bring her a teddy for her only, a pretty one, the prettiest... even prettier than mine! So one day, we will stop crying for the old one. Amen." And when she finished I was not crying anymore, at the end she told me what I went to tell her, in fact she already knew what I wanted to teach her, who was learning something there was me, me that could give an advice to someone else but coulnd't take it for myself, me that knew God has a purpose for everything but couldn't control my sadness over an old lost, me, the adult here.

- Are you feeling better? She asked and I hugged her.

- Yes baby, I am so sorry, I just wanted to help you but you ended up helping me. I am so sorry over your lost. I told her.

- It's okay, I am fine. I lost my teddy and I am not thinking anymore he will come back, but I miss him... yet I know God will send me another teddy, one that truly loves me and befriend me forever. I just cry sometimes because I miss my teddy & it's okay if you cry, God understand we are sad, but He is the one that will make us happy as well, just wait and see; meanwhile you have the right to cry as much as you need, one day you'll stop crying indeed. She told me and gave me one more lesson of life, I Can Cry, I'm allowed to do it since I am hurt. Late or soon God will heal me, yet my tears don't mean I am not accepting His Will, it just means I am an human being cause certainly I am who I am and not who I thought I was supposed to be...

"Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest" 

[ Qur'an 13:28] ♥

Our own ways.

It's okay, I knew it'll never work... yet I wanted to believe it could.

Deep in my heart, I really wished we could get it, yet I knew we couldn't.

I wish your way is full of harmless flowers, I wish you won't find any rose like you.

Believe it or not, you're one of the best things that have ever happened to me,

I insist you're the best friend I've Ever Had The Pleasure To Have.

May God bless you, you know? As long as you're smiling... I can keep on walking,

you don't need me anymore & maybe, just maybe I don't as well.

The meeting.

We entered his house. 

I was really nervous about how things will go on... I couldn't go when it was me who requested it in first place. As soon as I did he just accepted and I couldn't believe it, it was way too easy and I was not prepared for it yet, but I was very happy about it in fact. Once we were in the living room he excused himself and left the room for a few minutes. I was extremely nervous, like "what to do?", "what to say?", "how to act?" It was way too much on my shoulders! But I couldn't walk back now, not when he was allowing me to.

When he came back I finally saw her, she was beautiful! and smiling. But it was curious... the way she walks I mean, like trying to don't make any noise. As soon as I stood up to greet her properly she put up her hands like "Stop" I asked myself if I was doing something wrong or what, then he laughed over my "what" face and her "please no" face, I was about to laugh hard but I just bit my low lip and remained motionless. He talked finally:

- She doesn't want us to make any sound in order to don't wake the baby up. He said smiling and then everything made sense to me, not the fact of the baby sleeping but the fact of me being there in such an embarrasing situation, him.

- Oh, it's okay. I said almost whispering so the baby won't wake up.

- Thanks. His sister reply and her voice was so nice. What were you waiting for? I asked myself, It's pretty obvious her voice was going to be that good since her brother has the best one. I smiled.

- Peace, I am Jody, nice to meet you. I told her and she walked quietly til she reached me and hugged me. I can't even describe the rain of emotions that I got in that moment, I could never explain how kind was Mahira to me since the beginning.

- Nice to meet you Jody, I am Mahira. I couldn't control my happiness and started crying. She felt my tears in her shoulder and push me away slowly til she had us face-to-face.

- Oh honey, what's wrong? She asked me and he came close to us.

- What's up baby? He asked as well a bit confused over my reaction.

- I'm just, I'm just so happy. It was all I was able to say while I came back to her warm shoulders, feeling her a part of my family since now on, feeling her as my own sister for real, feeling myself part of his life more than any other day, more than ever. And his sister just hugged me tight comforting me.

And while we were there, trying to calm me down, he has left the room one more time and I started asking myself if he got any mad at me and he maybe thought I was over reacting; he was not the type of guys who get mad at me over anything actually, he used to take anything I do in a good way. In fact I could do anything I please and he may smiled at me saying I am nut and I'll laugh with him. But this was different, I mean it was involving his family and I knew how important his family was for him. I started getting worry and stopped crying. Mahira asked me to sit down and she sat down next to me, holding my hand like asking me to chill. I was about to ask about him but he appeared up with tray. 

- I got some tea for you girls. He said with a huge smile over his face and that was it, moments like that used to remind me why I was crazily in love with him since some many years ago. He was different to the rest, he was maybe the same in a lot of boys stuff but he had his strong points that I used to love so badly.

- Thanks. His sister replied.

- Thank you. I said and smiled. 

He sat down in the furniture next to us and as his sister served us the tea, that tea that she didn't allow me to served even when I was on my way to do it, he held my hand. 

We started talking about a few things like how is her life and how is mine mostly, well, I can't say "talk" because as me as her were whispering, but he was just talking in her normal voice tone, which I found strange.

- Why are we whispering while you talk? I asked while I lifted up one of my eyebrowns and wore an "interrogation" face. It was just like I pulled a rope behind his back because he started laughing like a crazy and couldn't stop and so I did, except for his sister who was losing her mind over the baby waking up while we have fun, yet she was smiling & I could say she was having a good time as well.

It was probably one of the best days of my life, it was the beginning of a new stage; we were on our way to make things more serious and getting closer to the idea of a real family. I was ready, was I? Well, I've always been ready, but he was ready, it was him who at the end got all what he need in order to make a family next to me and I was just there, letting him hold my hand through this life and guide me to our destination, the one I could only catch with our holding hands.

One more time.

I was sit down in third and last step of the door to my apartment, I was just taking a rest looking the break of dawn since there with my little dog in my legs, he was so sweet. I remember when I first met him in the streets, he was pretty wild and not friendly at all, yet I could see him hungry and taking any food he may find on the floor and running away with it. I saw him day after day for a whole week, I can't deny I disliked him in the beginning, after I found him funny and even cute, later I just started throwing some food on the floor in purpose so he may get food easier. 

Believe it or not I started getting attach to that vagabond dog. I tried getting close to him but it was not an easy thing, no matter how much food I throw him, he may just get it and run as if I was a dangerous thing that may hurt him at any moment. I realized somehow he was like me, he was just afraid to get hurt and even if it's hard to understand the simple fact of someone getting close to you can end up hurting you deeply because it's never the same when that someone comes in and then out... that person always takes something from you with him, especially if he was too close to your heart.

Even when he didn't seem to have any intention to trust me and tend to act nonchalant to me, I noticed how he used to start waiting for me to go out from home, like if he was wanting me to appear and he used to follow me to the store, to the restaurant, everywhere! Keeping always a prudent distance in any case. I got use to his presence, my days couldn't be complete without him in it. I started bringing dog's food with me everywhere, I even bought dog's toys and tried to find many ways to push him closer to me and let him know he can lower his guard with me since I was not dangerous and he gradually did.

Since the beginning I came to notice he was the boss, certainly I was the human there but he had the whole control. He didn't use to get into my house but just in weird and special ocassions, if he wants me to be by his side at any time of the night he used to bark like saying "come here now" and if I dare not to go to his call he may not visit to me next day and I used to spend the whole day worried... anyways, he didn't use to bark every single night so I was able to sleep properly sometimes. 

My friends loved him and hated him, they used to love him deeply because I used to be happy everyday just to know I'll see my puppy every new day, in the other hand I used to look deeply depressed if he didn't appear in my door every day, sometimes he used to disappear without any apparent reason and another times I was completely aware about the things I may have done to displease him even if I didn't do it with intention. They used to hate the way that little animal could manage me as he pleases, but I was fine with it as long as he remains by my side, believe it or not he was more special to me than any other being, even more than humans... any human, except by my family.


People never came to understand what he used to represent to me, it was never about all the things I used to give him, time, attention, food, gifts, love; it was all about what he used to give me, about all the things he brought to my life... he was not a burden to me, he was my friend! And I am not saying that I didn't have other friends, talking about people, but he was special to me... he was my best friend. I used to close my eyes and still see him, I used to close my ears and still listen to him, I used to close my mind and still find him there... I never requested anything from him but I always got it all, maybe more than what I could ever bear, maybe more than what I actually deserved... because things started changing. I started seeing him spending a lot of time with more dogs and he used to follow a pretty puppy female sometimes, not always though, he was too proud to follow her all the time when she was clearly trying to avoid him. It was curious, her recent attitude I mean, because I remembered I used to see them together pretty often before he got attach to me. And I used to like her too but if he wasn't not friendly, she was totally retiring and never allowed me to even put a finger on her, nor talk cause if I even tried to she may start barking loudly and run.

Lately I saw him behind her the most of the time and little by little he forgot me... she never came back to pay him any attention but he used to spend his time following her or playing around with the rest of the dogs in the neighborhood... or just lay down on his own in a place away from everybody. Even now I ask myself what else should I have done to keep him by my side. Sometimes I think I could have done more, I could have followed him in the same way he used to do with me at the beginning but... I couldn't do so, I mean, I followed him a few times and got nothing but being ignored; he certainly looked at me sometimes and played with me a few minutes but then left me, showing me I wasn't of his interest anymore...

It was hard to accept it, to acknowlegde that I've lost him; day after day, waiting for him, sometimes calling him and following him... I even cried for him! No one could explained why but I cried seas for him yet I couldn't help it... I used to miss his barkings, his looks, his time, his games; no one could get to know what he used to be in my world, no one will ever get it. For me, I wasn't losing an animal, nor a pet, nor one more simple friend, for me... losing him was losing an essential part of my life and without him I was not me anymore but a different version of me, an incomplete one.

And when everything seemed lost for me, there I was, sit down in the door of my place, with him in my legs, touching his hair while we watched together the break of down. No one could ever understand that all I ever wanted from him was his presence in my life, even if he took everything else, as long as he kept on visiting me and making me feel I am part of his life, even a small one, I was happy with it. So there I was, being the happiest girl in the world to have him by my side, one more day... one more time.

The alarm clock sounded and I woke up almost jumping, I looked around and saw my hands... they were empty, I ran to my window and he was not there... he was not coming back and even when I was almost use to the idea, it was still painful, he was still in my dreams and in my day-to-day activities. Only God knew how hard it was, it is and it will always be to bear his absence... I started crying because I wished deep in my heart to sleep forever and have that beautiful dream one more time, I wanted to stuck me in that single moment of peace and happiness with him in my life... one more time.