She was shaking again, all her body was having compulsions, the nurse called immediately the doctor of the department and he came as soon as possible; he ordered the nurse to give the young lady some pills and they put her to sleep again.
Are you okay?
Yes, I am fine.
So, drugs are doing a great job on you.
Shut up.
What was that?
Nothing.
Why are you here anyways?
I don't know.
I'll go now.
N... okay.
She woke up, she was dreaming about him as usual, she was missing him as usual. She had to talk with her doctor today, after all making her spend her whole life in a mental hospital wasn't the plan of Doctor Amged.
- Hello Menna, how are you feeling today?
- Good, as usual. Thank God.
- Have you been talking with him today?
- With who? Am I even able to talk anyone here? Half of the people here isn't okay in their heads.
- Is everything okay in yours?
- Why do we have to have this conversation every single Wednesday? What's the point?
- We need to see your improvement.
- I haven't talked with him for entire months now.
- What about the dreams? Are you still having them?
- It doesn't count! This is pretty unfair, my dreams are something I can't control.
- Fine. What about the compulsions yesterday?
- What about it? It's not like I control that neither.
- What were you thinking in to get like that?
He said so and she shed a tear, obviously she was thinking about him, killing herself with the remembrance of his death, thinking over and over again how he disappeared without letting any signal of life and made her fall into that eternal state of depression.
- Nothing.
- Why are you crying now?
- Because of nothing.
- What's "nothing" right now?
- Nothing means nothing! What do you want from me? You seem to know everything! So what the heck do you want me to answer? Isn't it obvious? I was thinking about him as usual! I am freaking sick of myself, yet I can't control it! Everyday I ask myself how it comes he has gone and haven't even said goodbye! I keep on thinking he's alive and it hurts to know he abandoned me! then I think about he has died and it hurts even more to imagine he's not breathing any longer while I am! I don't want to get attached to anyone ever again! It hurts too much to care so much! I'm going to spend the rest of my life in this stupid place, so just leave me alone!
- At least you can talk openly about your feelings now... It has been a while since you do so.
- He was being an idiot today in my dreams, after the pills he just appeared there making fun of it, saying I'm in drugs. I frankly don't know how it comes I get attached to people like that, it must be a damnation.
She made the doctor laugh and even her couldn't believe he was laughing at something like that.
- I'm a patient, you suppose to respect me and be serious with me. Don't forget what I was studying, I know well how your behavior must be.
- I wasn't laughing at you.
- Oh really? Then about what?
- About him. I mean, your memories about him are so clear than even your brain works out to make him appear in your life pretending he's still here. It's like a transfer, I guess I don't need to explain what is it, you know it. Yet it's not like you've transfer your regard from him to an object or other person, but you've made the transfer to your brain, to the air that his body left. We don't know if he's dead or alive, so you make sure yourself about don't put that feelings on anyone nor anything else... like if you're waiting for him to appear one day and come back to normality. It's simply amazing because no one in the whole family has gotten into this kind of depression, not even mom. And he used to say you're a strong girl and your love for God was always pushing him to be stronger. Now you're here, stuck in this four walls waiting for a friend that you don't even know if he'll come back. You say you don't control it still you do, because since you want it, your subconscious find a way to bring him back, so at the end, it's still you who's making all this.
- Sure and he has nothing to do here.
- He's not doing anything. We don't know nothing about him since last year.
- It seems like you've gotten used to the idea of his absence.
- He's my brother, it's not like I don't miss him, but it's not the first time he does this. He has done it several times before you met him, yet he has never been away for so long.
- Stop it. The consultation is over. I am still sick, gotta stay here, bye.
- Have sweet dreams Menna.
- Not funny.
- Goodbye girl.
- Peace.
Menna went out to her room and lay down on the bed looking at the window as she used to do.
The nurse came into the doctor's office.
- Is she getting better?
- She still doesn't know who I am. She's waiting for me but she's not letting me get into her world ever again. She expresses herself more openly now, still she makes me see I am no one, the one who left is all and the one that came back, after leaving for only six months, three years ago is no one.
- I think she's improving then. At least she talks more now, this one last long.
- It may be possible.
- Keep on trying doctor, your colleague still needs you.
- Certainly she does, thanks.
- You're welcome boss, excuse me.
- Go ahead. Bye.
