Y habló el silencio.

Ella se encontraba una vez más ahí... sentada con el papel en mano queriendo dejar salir de lo más recóndito de su ser todo aquello que la oprimía... pero había algo que la detenía, algo que no podía describir pero había. Entonces el papel la miró & ella miró el papel & lo saludó, a lo cual él respondió:

- Hola palabra.

Y ella rió, rió con amargura y lloró al final colmada de dolor; así que sabía quién era... la reconocía sin siquiera haberse anunciado, por primera vez alguien o algo la había anunciado como tal, como palabra... simples letras, porque eso era lo que ella era y no podía ser más que eso. Muchos la había catalogado de ser humano, “ser humano” pensaba ella y reía, “como si alguien en este mundo supiera a ciencia cierta lo que eso implica” decía para sus adentros mientras miraba por la ventana y sólo lograba ver casas y techos. 

“Quisiera ser una casa”, pensó por un momento, pero abandonó de inmediato la idea; después de todo siendo casa no estaría siempre llena, aun siendo una casa se encontraría vacía por minutos, por horas, por días, “pero no siempre” se dijo y sintió una punzada de dolor que no sólo la afligía sino más bien la quebraba, la partía y rehacía, lo que era incluso más doloroso. 

Because, porque, because...

Because no one really knows... how it feels to be scare all the time, to imagine people leaving you alone, to see there's no one in this world that can make you feel safe but God.

Because it hurts to don't be what you want to be to make them happy. 

Porque intento constantemente y no lo logro. 

Because I loose myself trying to be what you want. 

Porque quiero poder complacerte sin que llegues a absorberme. 

Because I love you but I love me too. 

Porque me enfermas & me curas. 

Because you're the best & the worst. 

Porque nuestra amistad vale la pena. 

Because you're not only a friend, but a best friend & that will never change. 

Porque me canso, descanso y vuelvo a cansarme pero

no renuncio porque ¡No Puedo! 

I want it back... The real stuff.

- Do you really think it's okay? You're here... Talking alone again.

- I am not. I'm talking with you.

- With me? And who is me?

- You're him (she says and point out something)

- No, I am not. I'm this empty place, that your old memories will never fill.

- What? Sure. (she says and smiles)

- No, it is not me being funny, it's you remembering him being funny but I am not.

- Sure! (she says and shows a big smile now)

- He's gone.

- He is not.

- I am not him.

- Why don't you want to be him? Why can't I pretend he is here? Why, huh?

- Because it'll hurt you deeper.

- It already hurts! So what?

- It hurts more if you keep on playing to the imaginary friend.

- You think it doesn't hurt losing your best friend so patheticly?

- You think it will help you to feel better?

- It helps me to don't miss him so much.

- You already miss him a lot.

- I don't.

- Why are we talking now then?

Her friends appears...

- Hey! Girl stop talking alone, it's creepy. (says the girl with blond hair)

- I wasn't talking alone.

- Talking with yourself doesn't count as another person. (says the tall guy)

- I wasn't talking with myself!

- So... Who were you talking with? ( says the ginger)

- I was talking with his absence one more time, his presence is here, right here, next to me.

- Okay, you're scaring me. (says the ginger with a horror face)
- This is pathetic, if you want to talk to him why don't you just do it? (the tall guy talked again)

- Because he's offering me to be an useless conversation... Empty & mean.

- And what do you want? (the blondie talked again)

- I want a real friendship... I want our friendship.

Something that will never happen.

- Did he say he'll write you?

- No.

- So, what are you waiting for?

- A message.

- That will never come.

- Apparently...

- You said you were over it.

- And it's true.

- Why are you waiting for a message then?

- Because... because, I don't know. (she starts crying)

She just realized about she was waiting one more time for something that will never happen... Sometimes, she just need that someone to remember her that nothing will ever be the same & she gotta come back to reality.

Lo Que Nunca Será.

- ¿Qué haces? Le dijo sin mirarla.

- Nada. Respondió ella con desgano mientras miraba por la ventana.

- ¿Qué haces? Repitió con un tono de voz más fuerte & la miró.

- Nada. Volvió a responder.

- ¿Qué haces? Dijo encolerizado & agarrándola por su brazo izquierdo.

- Nada... Dijo ella atemorizada por su acción repentina.

- ¿Qué miras entonces?

- La ventana...

- ¿Por qué la miras tanto? ¿Acaso alguien vendrá a verte?

- No. Respondió ella en un soplo & al borde de un llanto. Entonces él advirtió que se había sobrepasado.

- Lo siento. Se disculpo y la soltó.

- Ya, no es nada. Logró articular & se fue a su habitación.

Después de todo aun le dolía saber que él nunca más vendría a verla, que ya no le importaba, que ya no tenía caso esperar o mirar constantemente por la ventana. Sí, ella mejor que nadie lo sabía; pero de vez en cuando le hacía falta esa persona firme & resuelta que le recuerde que ahí donde una vez se presentaba un cuerpo amable se había convertido en un lugar desolado dónde sólo encontraría siempre el dolor que produce esa nostalgia que nunca acabará.

Growing Up.

Sometimes you just have to learn to stop depending

and start to create a way with your own hands...

no matter how hard it seems to be,

you're able to do it. You Can Do It.

I wrote this for you.

I can't even explain how it feels... I'll like to understand what I did... why you did what you did... Maybe I'm just too thick for you, maybe you got done. I knew it, it's so hard to stand me, I knew it wasn't an easy thing since the beginning... But I really thought this time it was gonna be okay, I felt you were a safe place to stay, what a big mistake. I won't ask you to come back... no 'cause deep inside I don't wish it... but 'cause it was your decision to leave, why would I go against your desires? I'm a good girl, do you remember? I'll obey you in every single word, as usual. Are you waiting for me to call? to talk? to try to fix it? I don't even know what have I done... so, waiting for me to give the first step when I don't even understand what's going on is waiting like forever... Why did you do it? Why? Couldn't we fix our problems like normal friends TALKING? it was that hard for us to act normal? I guess it was... because we didn't. I was mad you know... I was really mad, I felt deeply hurt, you touched where it hurts the most... You did what I hate the most... Do you know it? You abandoned me... I'm extremely jealous and crazily possesive because I don't want people that I love to leave me... I want them to stay with me as long as their lifes allow me, that's why I work so hard in every single relationship with the people I love... that's why I give it all. But I just gave you more than all, did you notice it? I hate depending too much on people, at the end they always show me I can't and I shouldn't do it... but you seemed to be secure, a good place to put my heart, you weren't just a friend, can't you see it? You were a best friend, you were A BROTHER, I honestly don't know how I've been facing the latest days... I'm sick, did you know it? You should of get happy, I made you sick & now I'm sick, isn't it great? I hope it is for you... I'll like to hurt myself so you can smile, I really worked so hard to make you happy... I did so many little but important things to show you that you're special... and you're not here now... Can you please come back? You have time yet... it's not too late! Come on! Everything will be the same... I'm so pathetic, ain't I? I'm afraid about stop trusting you... I don't want to stop doing it but... it hurts so much to care so much. Wanna know what I'm doing now? I'm listening his music, yeah, his music... because since you appeared singing his songs, they're stuck in my head... and you're stuck in my heart. Do you remember all those sweet words I used to tell you? Well... they weren't just "sweet words" but real feelings... I really want to hug you, I want to say that I'm sorry for whatever I did, I want you to stay... I want you to say we're going to be best friends forever in sha Allah... Can you say it? Just one more time... I already miss your smile, when you're mad, when you're happy, when you're hyper... You know what used to make me feel really angry when you were angry? I didn't care about you mistreating me... what used to bother me was to know that I couldn't help you, because it doesn't matter how many videos I would do, how many songs I would try to write, how many posts I would publish, how many times I would sing, how many words I would tell you... nothing helps, even when I do my best, I never get it, I never help you to be okay... I really wanna go there and hide myself behind you... Will you still protect me? Can I still hold your hand? Oh, yes, I forgot it, you always put them on your pocket... It's okay, I can still hold your arm, Will you let me? Can I sing one more song for you? But I think this time you won't laugh... Will you cry? I'm asking 'cause I think I'll be crying... just like now, I can cry a river for you... even when I hate crying for my friends, I'm crying for you AGAIN, I've cried so much that I just lost the count, do you know what's the saddest part? My tears won't make you come back... & even if you do, my tears won't make you stay forever... my tears won't do what my heart want you to do. I still want to know the name of your mother! I wanna eat by your side! I wanna run while you walk! I want to repeat after you! I wanna talk with your sisters! I wanna scream 'cause I'm happy to talk with you! Why did you go? Why...? I've been thinking so much about it & I still don't get the answer... Where is my little puppy? I guess he's mad, that's why he's making me cry... You know, even through all I still will be the first person in wish you happy birthday... Yes, I'll beat whoever who even try to be first... I'm going to be the first one & the last one... because I'm going to be there for you in the beginning and in the end. I'm going to be that person who will never stop holding you, even if you already stop it, I'm going to hold your t-shirt, your pant, your shoe, your cap, I won't let you... Who will force me? You left & I let you do it, but I never said I'll leave you too... Did I? No, I didn't, I can't even bear the idea about doing it... It hurts me too much. I will like to hate you... I'll really like to do it... it's too much, it's just too much pain, see I can handle it because I'm not alone... you know Allah is with us, it's just that I'm kind of sad because it's over... Don't you miss my voice? Are you sure about you don't want to listen me singing? Can I talk with your sister one more time?  I guess I can't, I should of stop begging, I bet I look really pathetic... I'm thick so sometimes I just forget to pretend to be smart... You know I know you're not having a good time right now, but I still don't understand the relation between having a bad time in life and leaving one of your best friends... it doesn't make sense at all, I think we should of talk so you can explain me... What do you think? I'll like to go to you & make you stay but... Do you remember how everything started? It wasn't me who go to you but you who came to me... I don't like going behind people because I know I'm pretty annoying, but when you came behind me I felt you really wanted to be my friend... was I wrong? You came & you left... I think it's kind of fair, though, Should I do any move? I'm just confused & this headache will kill me late or soon. I've been trying to pretend I'm strong and I'm going to be okay but I just get tired... I just want you to come here and make me laugh, you're so good in that. I still haven't cried as much as I've laughed cause of you... seems like I need you! So come back, yalla, yalla, yalla! Okay, I know it's useless even dreaming about you'll come to help me... but hey! I like trying & you know it. I'm complaining and whining so much! I should of be more thankful! More more thankful... because I'm grateful even with the bad things you did... You know, for me, a friendship is really unconditional & I really love every single stupid detail of you... everything, I still don't understand why I'm crying so much, I'm going to write the happy part now but I'm still using that sad face on my own happy face, you know thanks for the good times you gave me & for the bad ones as well... thanks for smile and for laugh, thanks for sing, thanks for sending kisses, thanks for getting mad, thanks for being cold, thanks for being funny, thanks for trying to help me with him even when I suck in love, thanks for let me see you on webcam, thanks for talking in arabic, spanish, chinese, german and english with me... and I'm counting even one single word in the mentioned languages, thanks for imagine with me, thanks for the jokes you made me even when it made me looks really ridiculous in front of him at least them made you laugh, thanks for doing meow as a kitty, thanks for answer the phone even when you were sleepy and just said nonsense, thanks for talk with me even when you were sleepy I swear to God that's really funny, thanks thanks thanks a loooooooot for letting me see you smile, thanks for trusting me, thanks for at least pretend you love me, thanks for pay me attention even when I talk too much about him, thanks for act calm even when I was hyper, thanks for breathing, thanks for saying my name in so many ways, thanks for have given me the privilege to know you... but you know? I give thanks the most to God for created you... you're just imperfectly perfect, the best friend ever. I love you so much bunny! ♥

SOMETHING OF ME HAS GONE WITH YOU... AND SOMETHING OF YOU HAVE CAME WITH ME (: I guess that's what real friendship is about...

Someone said goodbye...

You were there... Walking away, saying goodbye without even a little smile... And I was here, right here, watching you go away, asking myself over and over again "is this real?" it looked just like a bad dream... A real nightmare actually, something impossible but at the same time possible cause you were leaving me that night... It's okay, don't worry, this time I will let you fly... If you ever want to come back remember our friendship will always be alive in my heart, but don't forget about you broke it with that... Goodbye.

[ Someone said goodbye... And This Pain Is Just Too Real. ]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo 

Forever with you...

- What are you doing? He screamed while she was packing.

- I'm done with you Amir, everything around seems to be a big mess & I'm done with this situation. She shouted at him.

- But I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I'm going to talk with my mother about this. She's just confused, my father isn't here anymore and she feels alone. She's just trying to take care of her children in the best way she can. He said while crying.

- Okay fine. You have an excellent mother that will never let you grow up, because you're a kid for her yet. Even when you're married and about to be a father also! She put her hands on her face as soon as she said so.

- What? What did you just said Amina...? He stopped crying and focus his view on his wife's belly.

- Nothing. I'm leaving. She said while she takes her bag and walk out of the room.

- This is not fair. And you know it's not good. He said looking at her eyes.

- Having your mother all the time around me, telling me I'm not good enough for his son. Having your brother begging me to leave you because you deserve someone better. Having your sisters ignoring me even when they don't know me at all. Amir, that's not fair at all. She said and her tears appeared.

- But I love you...

- That's not enough. Peace be upon you. Those were her lasts words & Amir never knew about Amina again.

10 years later... [present]

- Mommy.

- Yes my love?

- What are you doing? Why do we always come here? Mommy... did you meet daddy here?

- Yes.

- Mom, do you miss him?

- Yes.

- Mommy, do you think he still love us?

- I know he does.

- How do you know mom? 

- Because I can see his smile through yours every single day.

8 years ago...

The phone is ringing.

- Allo.

- Allo. Woman's crying voice.

- Who is it?

- Amina? Is that you?

- Yes. Who is it?

- Look Amina, Soraya is here. Amir is very sick, he got a heart attack last weekend. He has been trying to find you for this last two years but it seems that you changed your name, thanks God my husband is a detective and he got you. Can you please come back? The whole family will be pleased to have you back... Amir stopped laughing since you left, he doesn't even smile. We've tried to make him get a new wife but he doesn't even talk to us. We really need you...

- I'm on my way Soraya. Majida and I will be there tomorrow morning.

- Who?

- Your niece.

- Do I have... She couldn't finished because Amina hanged up.

They traveled. Amina found Amir on bed & hardly breathing. He was sleeping & looked so haggard. But he wokes up as soon as she went into his room.

- Amina! Amina! 

- Calm down Amir, it's not a dream this time. Amina is here. While she saw this, she cried, it was so sad to see the man she loves the most like this.

- Amina I missed you so much! cogh cogh. I'm sorry, I'm kind of sick.

- It's okay. And who's that little girl behind you? He said and smiled for the baby girl who was hiding behind her mother.

- She's Majida. 

- Masha Allah, she's so beautiful. You should of called her Noor. I bet her father is the happiest man to have her.

- Amir, don't you remember?

- Remember what...?

- I was pregnant when I left you.

- Did you have the child?

- She's the child. And Amir started weepend so badly that Soraya had to ask him to calm down. I think we should leave for now. Amina said

- Can I have my daughter for a minute please? Amir said trying to don't cry anymore.

- Yes. Amina hold her baby and put her on her father's lap.

- Hi precious Majida.

- Peace be upon you. While she was looking at her little hands and didn't understand what was going on.

- Masha Allah, my daughter has a lovely voice. Can you call me baba?

- Mommy... she said and looked at her mother scared.

- Go ahead sweettie. Baba hena.

- Baba...

- Alhamdulillah! I'm the happiest man in the world. Thanks Amina, thank you so much. 

- You're welcome habibi.

- Habibi?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I love you habibeti. He said looking at Amina and hugging Majida. He finally got the happiness he lost for two whole years but his health couldn't help it much longer.

After three weeks he died.

PRESENT

- I miss him mom... but more than nothing I need him. Did he really said my name should of be Noor?

- Yes baby, your daddy was the happiest man in the worldwide when he saw you.

- I'll call my daughter Noor.

- He'll be pleased.

- In sha Allah. Mommy, have you ever loved any other man since daddy passed away.

- No. Because your daddy has never gone. He's always with us in every single sweet detail the world showed us. No one understood why I marry him. I married your father because when no one showed me I was important and beloved, your father proved me I was the world for him. I left him not because I have any doubt of his love but I didn't want to separe him from his family. He gaved me too much & I didn't want to make him lose anything.

- Mom, don't you think we were his family also & he lost us?

- No baby, one week after he died... he said "Amina, you were, you are & you'll always be the queen of my life. You left me but you stayed here, in every single place we visit, in every single morning, in every flower. I can't explain how it comes that you left me but I never felt I lost you. I was just needing your care, that's why I got sick but not cause you weren't here. I love you & Majida more than to my own life & I have never stopped said Alhamdulillah since I met you for the first time."

Amina stopped talking & the tears appear again in her eyes. Majida hugged her.

- Mommy, daddy & I love you so much.

It Will Rain...

You know, sometimes I just stare at the window in case that you come back... you told me you didn't want to talk that day cause you were needing some time for yourself and I gave you as much time as I could... but I couldn't wait too much because you're part of me and without you I feel so incomplete... tell me, should I stop waiting? Even if you say yes, I can not. But it's not that bad as so much people thinks, actually, it's not bad, it's just a little bit hard to handle when... when I want to listen your voice, when I want to listen your laugh, when I want to see your face, when I want to know how you are, when I want to tell you how much I love you, when I want you to tell me how much you miss me... but if I don't think about that, then it's not that hard. You're like the best memory I've ever had, even if I get over you, I still think you'll be my best memory. 

By the way Ybab still wait for you too, do you remember her? Even if you don't, she doesn't forget you. I will never forget that day when you were kind of sad and she cheer you up, you'll never find someone that will love you so much as she does... I'm sure about it, and any female will ever make you laugh so hard and made you feel sweetness at the same time as she did. You were so cautivated cause of little Ybab and I was so happy then... Of course, as long as you'll be happy I was gonna be happy too... But now I'm kind of sad and you're really okay, is weird, isn't it? I wish you were here as before... by my side.

Do you think anything will change if I'm patient enough? I'm not sure about it... but I don't have too much options. I wish one day we can hold our hands forever and never let each other go away... because I can't let you go, you're always here, here with me, in my heart. Maybe I'm asking too much, I know... but that's all what I want... I want you, just you, no one else but you.

[ http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-w3WfgpcGg&ob=av2e ]