I was there... looking at the blue sky one more time, thinking about all those memories you left for me. Your words... I remember how I fell in love with them, I remember the first day I listened to your voice... that magic moment when we talked for the first time, yes, I remember our conversation, I remember the topics, it feels like it was yesterday and not one year and three months ago. I remember the way you used to make me feel, I remember the laughs... I remember my stupid smile whenever I used to think about you... but more than nothing, I remember all the happiness I felt when I was with you, that happiness that made me forget for a while about my absurd and continuous sadness. Sometimes I ask myself if I could ever find someone like you... yes, someone like you... I want to smile as much as before, I want to feel my life is perfect even when it's not. I want to come back home and know you'll be waiting for me or at least, thinking of me. Am I being selfish? I'm sorry... I guess I'm a bit emotive today, I guess I can't handle it... surely I miss you, but more than nothing, I Need You.
Why is so hard? Why is so hard to forget you...? It was not necessary to tell all those lies if you didn't mean them... now my heart is waiting, did you know it? yes, my heart waits for you every single day, my heart still thinks you love me... and you care about me, although, being honest, my brain and I have realized about the fact that you don't even remember about my existence lately... As usual, you're so busy.
You don't know it, right? How could you know it if I never told you? and I will never do it... I still remember that day... that magic day when you told me you love me, I hardly slept that night, my whole being was so exciting about the fact that you loved me... my only thought was "he loves me" and I couldn't help my smiles and all the happiness that you brought to me with those simple three words.
But in the same way, I remember that beautiful day, I remember that damned day when you told me you didn't love me as before anymore. I never said it but, you broke my heart into thousands of pieces. I had to calm down and talked as normally as I could just to don't make you feel the guilty cause of my pain... and do you know why I did it? No, I'm not a saint, I did it cause of a reason. Yes... I did it cause I love you... Do you remember that time when you asked me if I really love you? You told me: "If you really love me, then please don't hurt me, I don't like to be hurt." I loved you and I love you... that's why I kept all the sorrow to myself and smiled for you... because through that simple detail I was proving to you that I really meant what I said, even when you didn't notice it.
Are you getting bored? Is your heart aching? Have I finally hurt you? Don't worry, even if you read this, how could you know I wrote it for you? even if you think it's for you, you wouldn't be sure and... will you dare to ask me? I bet you would do it, but I'm sure you won't read this.
Nowadays I just want to talk about you... it's like I have all those things that hurt me stuck in my heart... because I can't let you go... I want to let you go... but how? how can I let you go? You don't know but... I have changed so many things just for you and cause of you... When we started chatting, I used to talk Spanish all the time, even when I was on a call with you, do you remember? "English please" I used to forget you don't speak Spanish... but look, now I can talk in English and don't even think about the Spanish language, why? yes, because of you. I'm going to tell you one more secret about languages now, I was looking for Arabic and german courses just cause of you... I wanted to talk with you in your own language, I wanted to talk with you in any language you talk... if you talk with signals, I would learn it for you too. It was cause of you that I changed the language in my networks and it's cause of you that I started uploading posts in English... I changed my whole world's letters for you, but that's nothing...I have done so much.
Do you remember when I asked you about eating pig? Your exact answer was: "Eww, that's disgusting" I stopped eating pig cause of my religion surely, but I stopped eating pig even before I changed my religion... whenever I used to think about eating pig I used to hear in my head: "eww, that's disgusting" and I didn't want to eat pig anymore. Yes, I changed my food for you.
When we used to talk, I told you I want to live in England... and you told me you want to live in Canada... guess what? I have searched for Canada's information and I have decided I can live in Canada, it's even closer to my country. Yes, I changed one of my principal dreams, cause of you.
Before I met you, I used to take a nap every day, after I met you, I change my naps for an afternoon with you... Yes, I changed my horaries cause of you and I've lost you.
Do you remember my favorite color? Yes, it's pink and I like black too, but have you realized how much I use purple now? Right. I add your favorite color to my favorite color lists. Now everything is pink, purple and black. You like turtles, right? I like them too, but the last time I bought one I thought about you... and I smiled because you like them too. That was not a change, but that turtle is part of my life... also you.
You know, I shouldn't be so sad or angry... in fact, you have done so many good things for my life, thanks for all the support, in anything I do, about being a psychologist, you told me I could do it; about being a writer, you told me I'm a great one; about talking Arabic, you told me I could even do it better than you soon. Whenever I tell you something, you never say I can't... you just tell me I can get it. I love when you do that... especially cause whenever I feel something about that is hard, I remember your simple words and feel happy cause you trust me and I should of trust me too.
Right now I feel miserable, we haven't talked about nine days ago, feels like dying and I have decided to forget you, again... I ask myself how many time will I keep my word this time? how many times would I be without talking to you? I can't believe in myself when I say I'm going to get over you... because as soon as I think so, my heart hurts more.
Can't you stop being so funny? so cute? so adorable? so respectful? so smart? so gorgeous? so perfect? If you could do that, then things for me could be a little bit easier... but you can not. Because it's not only about the way you really are, but the way I feel you are for me.
Tell me baby... will it hurt you to know that thinking about you still hurts me? it breaks me down.
Well, it feels like I have let go of the impotence for now... I guess I'll continue with this another day...
Oh yes, one last thing... do you know what? You're very special to me too. Thanks for telling me I'm very special to you about two weeks ago... thanks to you, I feel important. I Adore You My Precious.
P.D.: I feel too tired to check out my mistakes, I'm sorry for them, but baby... you understood what I say, right? Well, that's important... Yeah, I still remember it, you're a genius! Not me, YOU! ♥
No One, But YOU.
